Waiting Worries
It seems that we can take on anything, as long as we are active. We can face a fear, overcome an obstacles, conquer cancer. The key is to keep moving forward. So what do you do when the only thing to do is wait?
So often, the challenges of not having enough time to accomplish everything is balanced by the time spent waiting to know what to do. In my case at the moment, it's waiting for a loved one to finish yet another appointment. We've already been through the wait of diagnosis.
As we waited, I was able to move forward, even if we couldn't really make any plans. I didn't know if I could plan to go to a nephew's first birthday party in a few months, but I could still plan what was for dinner. There was always something that needed done that could take my mind away from the worry of waiting, even if only for a moment.
It's much different when the wait happens in a small corner of uncomfortable chairs in the midst of strangers and stale air. For me, a waiting room is like living in a nightmare where all my PTSD triggers are gathered. Fortunately I believe in taking my fears head on.
I am going to spend an awful lot of time waiting over the next 7 weeks. Fortunately I had a build up of expectations during innumerable tests, visiting my anxieties several times a week. As of next week it will be a daily adventure.
Most of the time I have spent in prayer. It seems that there are many people who are as bad off or even worse than we are. Giving my energies for the sake of others has been a good way to wait, but it also has firmly entrenched the worry in my heart as I take on these other burdens gratefully.
I have also had time to think. I think not only of how much I care for others, but how much they care for me. I mourn for the loss of intimacy with some, and lift up the troubles that have separated us. I see my blessings through the eyes of some, and offer peace and security for those who have none.
I think about the time I have, and how to best use it. I allow my mind to roam between what I need to do to be my best, and how I can use my best to make the world better. I think about how to spend this time waiting.
Reading is not for everyone, but I chose carefully what books I carry with me. Sometimes fiction takes my mind away from the troubles of the moment, giving my brain a moment's vacation even if my body cannot go. More often I chose something of personal use; psychology, sociology or religion.
Today I have chosen to write. I have not been able to do as much lately. My mind has been chaotic and distracted, but today I force myself to focus.
As I sit here I have a choice. Every tie I pack my bag for the hospital I have a choice. I allow myself no judgment in what choice I make; sometimes we need to be frivolous while other times it's more appropriate to be useful. Input balanced with output.
The one choice I must not make is to allow myself to be overwhelmed with the worry. Although I do not control the outcome of the lives of those I love, I do control the atmosphere I am in. I can make this place, this moment better, just by projecting the positive.
I sit and wait. I watch and I listen. I see how others spend their time. I observe the emotions that pass their faces like thoughts etched in expression. I smile. They nod. A hesitant peace covers the space. I have done well with my waiting.
So often, the challenges of not having enough time to accomplish everything is balanced by the time spent waiting to know what to do. In my case at the moment, it's waiting for a loved one to finish yet another appointment. We've already been through the wait of diagnosis.
As we waited, I was able to move forward, even if we couldn't really make any plans. I didn't know if I could plan to go to a nephew's first birthday party in a few months, but I could still plan what was for dinner. There was always something that needed done that could take my mind away from the worry of waiting, even if only for a moment.
It's much different when the wait happens in a small corner of uncomfortable chairs in the midst of strangers and stale air. For me, a waiting room is like living in a nightmare where all my PTSD triggers are gathered. Fortunately I believe in taking my fears head on.
I am going to spend an awful lot of time waiting over the next 7 weeks. Fortunately I had a build up of expectations during innumerable tests, visiting my anxieties several times a week. As of next week it will be a daily adventure.
Most of the time I have spent in prayer. It seems that there are many people who are as bad off or even worse than we are. Giving my energies for the sake of others has been a good way to wait, but it also has firmly entrenched the worry in my heart as I take on these other burdens gratefully.
I have also had time to think. I think not only of how much I care for others, but how much they care for me. I mourn for the loss of intimacy with some, and lift up the troubles that have separated us. I see my blessings through the eyes of some, and offer peace and security for those who have none.
I think about the time I have, and how to best use it. I allow my mind to roam between what I need to do to be my best, and how I can use my best to make the world better. I think about how to spend this time waiting.
Reading is not for everyone, but I chose carefully what books I carry with me. Sometimes fiction takes my mind away from the troubles of the moment, giving my brain a moment's vacation even if my body cannot go. More often I chose something of personal use; psychology, sociology or religion.
Today I have chosen to write. I have not been able to do as much lately. My mind has been chaotic and distracted, but today I force myself to focus.
As I sit here I have a choice. Every tie I pack my bag for the hospital I have a choice. I allow myself no judgment in what choice I make; sometimes we need to be frivolous while other times it's more appropriate to be useful. Input balanced with output.
The one choice I must not make is to allow myself to be overwhelmed with the worry. Although I do not control the outcome of the lives of those I love, I do control the atmosphere I am in. I can make this place, this moment better, just by projecting the positive.
I sit and wait. I watch and I listen. I see how others spend their time. I observe the emotions that pass their faces like thoughts etched in expression. I smile. They nod. A hesitant peace covers the space. I have done well with my waiting.