My Greatest Fear
College taught me that all humans are born with the fear of falling. I can't imagine being one of the parents who submitted their infants to such a test, but not only is this an accepted fact, but for those who have had training in early childhood development, you learn that the next natural fear for a child is losing their chief caregiver, such as a parent. Having been born into what became a fantasy land of "happily ever after" created primarily (though with strenuous aid by others) by my grandfather, who was not only a caregiver, but playmate, confidante, and Priest in the purest sense of the word, losing Papa was my greatest fear.
This manifested in nightmares after I was taken from that world, that could not be soothed except for the sound of his voice. Many of those nightmares involved his death. As a youth, I got physically ill at hospitals, and when we went caroling at the homes in town. The thought of losing my grandparents; my grandpa specifically, was just more than I could tolerate.
Papa has been gone nearly 10 years now, and I not only learned to deal with the physical reactions caused by the fear of the loss, but the emotions attached to the loss itself. It is not that I do not feel sadness at the loss, but I chose the directions of my memories. I have been able to do this through several methods:
Beyond my personal control, but through the Grace of a Greater Being who has direct and Personal Impact on my Individual Being;, I have been exposed to death in a gradually intensifying way. As people in the family died, my grandparents took me to increasingly beloved funerals where, not only was I intensifying my familial relationships, but I was sharing laughter and lessons in the memories of the recently lost.
As my experience with death increased in its emotional attachment therefore intensity, I was learning how to process the passing. It has been very rare that I have even been to a funeral that focused on the actual passing, but on the positive of the moment, rather it was the individual for whom we were present, or the others gathered that day.
These experiences lead up to my ability to be present with the dying. Pets are an important part of a child's life; they can teach us how to process the moment of death. Things that cannot be explained to the human mind happen during a passing. If you have experienced it with a long-loved pet, you will begin to understand how it can impact you when it is a human. No, it is not the same, it is just one step in a lesson.
Because I held Silver as she left This Experience, I was also able to be present for a dear Uncle as he chose to say good-bye. I am not a Christian, but I made it a point to spend my designated time with him singing the old hymns his mother, My Grandma (so called because I felt like I never had to share her, unlike Grandma Vi) sang to them as children. Having had premonitions of death in the past, that lead to emotional distress for years afterward, I did not want to go. I knew he was waiting for those living in the house to leave before he did so himself, but I was raised to love Family through actions not just words. I knew a nurse was going to be present during at least part of the time.
And so I Gathered my Self, and the sheets of music that would be such a comfort, and I confidently bid my cousin and her family to take a few hours to rest and enjoy their meal. I said hello, and I chatted a bit, and then I began to sing. And the Experience Changed. The nurse arrived and I made all the appropriate movements, but my Being was not of that room. The nurse looked at me and spoke, and I Understood, and I returned to the songs.
I did not sing alone. Though my voice stopped to great the nurse, the music continued. As I Escorted my Uncle to The Next Great Adventure, I Understood I need not fear death. I did not need to know what came next, but I knew that there was so much More than our small human Minds Understand.
Then it came time to say good-bye to Papa.
I had made special trips to visit others before their passing, but I was not prepared for this. I Remember everything about his final day as others remember the birth of their child. I remember his laughter at something on TV, and his calling for me; "Make sure she knows that is ALWAYS HER ROOM!" I remember the quiet discussion with Grandma Vi and the decision to call the EMS. I remember him walking out the door the last time.
I could have stopped right then. I could have allowed my mind to fold in on itself, and left the rest of the world to rot without me. It doesn't take death to commit suicide. Instead I grabbed the computer, Papa's favorite music, and my Appalachian stubbornness, and I stood at his bedside as much as I was permitted. Even watching through the window when they made me leave. My grandpa was an amazing man, but that is not this story. This story is about how he did not let the dentist give him anything for pain as he had his teeth drilled upon, and he came out of his drug-induced coma to say good-bye in a panic because of the tube down his throat.
It was I who calmed him, reminding him to draw on whatever gave him strength at the dentist, to allow him strength for This Moment. That was our good-bye.
It was the moment I faced, head on, my absolute worst fear. I calmly stepped outside, and waited at the window in case Grandma needed me as they pulled the tubes out. I could barely speak, yet my mouth kept going. My State of Being only revealed itself in my inability to call up the exact song to play, but it did not matter; an unexpected song had the entire family singing along.
More often than not, I act out of Responsibility. I am aware that Others are watching to see how I respond, and so I try to teach through my behavior. Two of the great-grandchildren were present and so I asked them for their favorite memory of Grandpa Eddy. My beloved Papa left this world to the sound of the laughter of his most beloved family; It was a Good Death. And it was I who had made it so.
But my greatest fear only began there. The very worst of it, the moment of letting go, may have passed, but there was still much to do. There is finalizing the passing. I knew I was not expected to survive Papa's passing. Maybe in form, but not my mind. But what is the point of loving and learning, if not to apply it?
I did not do well, but I sang at my grandpa's funeral. Most people do not know that I am afraid to sing in public at all. I have, on many occasions taken that fear in hand, and did it rather I really wanted to or not. I knew I was not likely to sing pure that day, but the point is sometimes to do it, not to do it well. Then I stepped behind the curtain, as they closed my Papa's coffin.
This was IT. I would never see his body again. I was, in fact, the last person to see his body, as I twisted shut his coffin, in a final gesture of strength. I needed to prove to myself that I could let go of what was no longer important. And I did.
But that was only a gesture, and not true to reality at all. In order to set a good example for others, I had to get on with my life. I returned to my home and business, several states away, where I missed my first Christmas at home. I never expected that to come up in my life, and if asked, I would have said I could not have survived it. No one knows the screams and tears held within a pillow of pain. Until today, I have never spoken of the regret that I did not come home that year.
But all things happen for a specific reason; I do not believe in coincidence. Losing Papa wasn't the only Great Fear of my life. Being childless has also been one. Having my intentions, rather with words or actions, be misunderstood is another. Losing my independence is one of my current Greatest Fears, but being condemned is the worst.
You see, only a few years after facing the death of my grandpa, then coming to terms with the probability that I will be childless, I encountered the loss of my independence. This was more than just physical confinement and treachery by people whose job it is to help me. I lost my ability to control my own thoughts.
There are times when my thoughts run away with me, either one drawing on another until I reach a point of intensity disproportionate to the catalyst. Other times my mind is racing with what needs to be done and how to do it, and since there is so much required, my mind bounces from one need to the other until no two thoughts string together.
These are minimal losses of control that I am aware of as they take place, and can often find alternative directions, either by giving myself a mental "what for" (Yes, I talk to myself, and usually I also listen! It's called "Cognitive Therapy" not "Multiple Personality Disorder".), or I distract myself with activities that require concentration or activation of specific parts of my brain, until I again feel like I have direction.
I lost the ability to do that. From being suicidal in my teens, to discovering Awareness in my twenties, it had taken a life-time to be able to accomplish that kind of control. I was not everything I wanted to be, and I was not thrilled with who I saw in the mirror, but I Understood that was the way of the world. I was attempting to accept my place in "the real world" when everything fell apart, and I realized I was no longer in charge of my brain.
This has a specific meaning for me; I no longer cared when my thoughts went negative. Because I have found even strangers Sharing with me in our first Encounter, I have had an unusual Perspective. The Culmination of that being that I, as an Individual, can Impact the world, one person at a time. That means, when I progress with Positive Intent, I will receive Positive Results. They may not be exactly what I expect, but it is usually in expectations that we find disappointment anyway. It is enough for me that there came something Positive, even if it is not specifically for me.
So when I say "I was no longer in charge of my brain" I mean that I did not care about Positive Consequences. I did not think much beyond what I did not have. This was more than the throes of Clinical Depression, as I allowed my actions to negate my Standards. This happened in a number of ways, but most obviously was in my permission of physical realities to overcome my Spiritual Priorities. It was not enough to have thoughts of suicide running through my brain again, I had to inappropriately verbalize to see there was a bigger problem.
I have been blessed with the opportunity to take a step back. I have been taking fear after fear head on most of my life, without seeing them for what they were, or being prepared for them. From Grandma Vi's move to the Masonic home, to my Partner's ability to accept the extreme changes I was making in my life, I have stepped in directly and done the best I had with what I had.
My Greatest Fear has changed; death is no longer a part of it. I Understand that there are Other Things Beyond Us, most humans don't understand those Other Things have Impact on Us, and We have very little Time to Understand and Pass On the Knowledge. I understand very little about This World as it is, much less the next. I do Know that each Individual leaves Behind a Legacy, Big or small. Whatever This is, or for however long It has, I have a Legacy that will make an Impact.
I abhor fear, but I am Afraid of many things. Some people would call them "phobias", but those, by definition, are irrational. If you have followed along, you are well aware that there are rational explanations for every one of my Fears. Not only has the rational for my Fears been Established, my Individual Security has been Destroyed in every way, shape and form. Most people would not still be Here.
But I AM.
I am not only still Here, but I am preparing to Take On every remaining Fear in the most Direct way I can. Some of them are Physical and ridiculous, at least to my mind, while others are merely in my mind. Through this Journey I not only venture into a Physical realm of discomfort, but an Emotional and Spiritual one as well. When I return, I will be, yet again, Changed. The only Thing left to Fear is the "Cannot's"!
This manifested in nightmares after I was taken from that world, that could not be soothed except for the sound of his voice. Many of those nightmares involved his death. As a youth, I got physically ill at hospitals, and when we went caroling at the homes in town. The thought of losing my grandparents; my grandpa specifically, was just more than I could tolerate.
Papa has been gone nearly 10 years now, and I not only learned to deal with the physical reactions caused by the fear of the loss, but the emotions attached to the loss itself. It is not that I do not feel sadness at the loss, but I chose the directions of my memories. I have been able to do this through several methods:
Beyond my personal control, but through the Grace of a Greater Being who has direct and Personal Impact on my Individual Being;, I have been exposed to death in a gradually intensifying way. As people in the family died, my grandparents took me to increasingly beloved funerals where, not only was I intensifying my familial relationships, but I was sharing laughter and lessons in the memories of the recently lost.
As my experience with death increased in its emotional attachment therefore intensity, I was learning how to process the passing. It has been very rare that I have even been to a funeral that focused on the actual passing, but on the positive of the moment, rather it was the individual for whom we were present, or the others gathered that day.
These experiences lead up to my ability to be present with the dying. Pets are an important part of a child's life; they can teach us how to process the moment of death. Things that cannot be explained to the human mind happen during a passing. If you have experienced it with a long-loved pet, you will begin to understand how it can impact you when it is a human. No, it is not the same, it is just one step in a lesson.
Because I held Silver as she left This Experience, I was also able to be present for a dear Uncle as he chose to say good-bye. I am not a Christian, but I made it a point to spend my designated time with him singing the old hymns his mother, My Grandma (so called because I felt like I never had to share her, unlike Grandma Vi) sang to them as children. Having had premonitions of death in the past, that lead to emotional distress for years afterward, I did not want to go. I knew he was waiting for those living in the house to leave before he did so himself, but I was raised to love Family through actions not just words. I knew a nurse was going to be present during at least part of the time.
And so I Gathered my Self, and the sheets of music that would be such a comfort, and I confidently bid my cousin and her family to take a few hours to rest and enjoy their meal. I said hello, and I chatted a bit, and then I began to sing. And the Experience Changed. The nurse arrived and I made all the appropriate movements, but my Being was not of that room. The nurse looked at me and spoke, and I Understood, and I returned to the songs.
I did not sing alone. Though my voice stopped to great the nurse, the music continued. As I Escorted my Uncle to The Next Great Adventure, I Understood I need not fear death. I did not need to know what came next, but I knew that there was so much More than our small human Minds Understand.
Then it came time to say good-bye to Papa.
I had made special trips to visit others before their passing, but I was not prepared for this. I Remember everything about his final day as others remember the birth of their child. I remember his laughter at something on TV, and his calling for me; "Make sure she knows that is ALWAYS HER ROOM!" I remember the quiet discussion with Grandma Vi and the decision to call the EMS. I remember him walking out the door the last time.
I could have stopped right then. I could have allowed my mind to fold in on itself, and left the rest of the world to rot without me. It doesn't take death to commit suicide. Instead I grabbed the computer, Papa's favorite music, and my Appalachian stubbornness, and I stood at his bedside as much as I was permitted. Even watching through the window when they made me leave. My grandpa was an amazing man, but that is not this story. This story is about how he did not let the dentist give him anything for pain as he had his teeth drilled upon, and he came out of his drug-induced coma to say good-bye in a panic because of the tube down his throat.
It was I who calmed him, reminding him to draw on whatever gave him strength at the dentist, to allow him strength for This Moment. That was our good-bye.
It was the moment I faced, head on, my absolute worst fear. I calmly stepped outside, and waited at the window in case Grandma needed me as they pulled the tubes out. I could barely speak, yet my mouth kept going. My State of Being only revealed itself in my inability to call up the exact song to play, but it did not matter; an unexpected song had the entire family singing along.
More often than not, I act out of Responsibility. I am aware that Others are watching to see how I respond, and so I try to teach through my behavior. Two of the great-grandchildren were present and so I asked them for their favorite memory of Grandpa Eddy. My beloved Papa left this world to the sound of the laughter of his most beloved family; It was a Good Death. And it was I who had made it so.
But my greatest fear only began there. The very worst of it, the moment of letting go, may have passed, but there was still much to do. There is finalizing the passing. I knew I was not expected to survive Papa's passing. Maybe in form, but not my mind. But what is the point of loving and learning, if not to apply it?
I did not do well, but I sang at my grandpa's funeral. Most people do not know that I am afraid to sing in public at all. I have, on many occasions taken that fear in hand, and did it rather I really wanted to or not. I knew I was not likely to sing pure that day, but the point is sometimes to do it, not to do it well. Then I stepped behind the curtain, as they closed my Papa's coffin.
This was IT. I would never see his body again. I was, in fact, the last person to see his body, as I twisted shut his coffin, in a final gesture of strength. I needed to prove to myself that I could let go of what was no longer important. And I did.
But that was only a gesture, and not true to reality at all. In order to set a good example for others, I had to get on with my life. I returned to my home and business, several states away, where I missed my first Christmas at home. I never expected that to come up in my life, and if asked, I would have said I could not have survived it. No one knows the screams and tears held within a pillow of pain. Until today, I have never spoken of the regret that I did not come home that year.
But all things happen for a specific reason; I do not believe in coincidence. Losing Papa wasn't the only Great Fear of my life. Being childless has also been one. Having my intentions, rather with words or actions, be misunderstood is another. Losing my independence is one of my current Greatest Fears, but being condemned is the worst.
You see, only a few years after facing the death of my grandpa, then coming to terms with the probability that I will be childless, I encountered the loss of my independence. This was more than just physical confinement and treachery by people whose job it is to help me. I lost my ability to control my own thoughts.
There are times when my thoughts run away with me, either one drawing on another until I reach a point of intensity disproportionate to the catalyst. Other times my mind is racing with what needs to be done and how to do it, and since there is so much required, my mind bounces from one need to the other until no two thoughts string together.
These are minimal losses of control that I am aware of as they take place, and can often find alternative directions, either by giving myself a mental "what for" (Yes, I talk to myself, and usually I also listen! It's called "Cognitive Therapy" not "Multiple Personality Disorder".), or I distract myself with activities that require concentration or activation of specific parts of my brain, until I again feel like I have direction.
I lost the ability to do that. From being suicidal in my teens, to discovering Awareness in my twenties, it had taken a life-time to be able to accomplish that kind of control. I was not everything I wanted to be, and I was not thrilled with who I saw in the mirror, but I Understood that was the way of the world. I was attempting to accept my place in "the real world" when everything fell apart, and I realized I was no longer in charge of my brain.
This has a specific meaning for me; I no longer cared when my thoughts went negative. Because I have found even strangers Sharing with me in our first Encounter, I have had an unusual Perspective. The Culmination of that being that I, as an Individual, can Impact the world, one person at a time. That means, when I progress with Positive Intent, I will receive Positive Results. They may not be exactly what I expect, but it is usually in expectations that we find disappointment anyway. It is enough for me that there came something Positive, even if it is not specifically for me.
So when I say "I was no longer in charge of my brain" I mean that I did not care about Positive Consequences. I did not think much beyond what I did not have. This was more than the throes of Clinical Depression, as I allowed my actions to negate my Standards. This happened in a number of ways, but most obviously was in my permission of physical realities to overcome my Spiritual Priorities. It was not enough to have thoughts of suicide running through my brain again, I had to inappropriately verbalize to see there was a bigger problem.
I have been blessed with the opportunity to take a step back. I have been taking fear after fear head on most of my life, without seeing them for what they were, or being prepared for them. From Grandma Vi's move to the Masonic home, to my Partner's ability to accept the extreme changes I was making in my life, I have stepped in directly and done the best I had with what I had.
My Greatest Fear has changed; death is no longer a part of it. I Understand that there are Other Things Beyond Us, most humans don't understand those Other Things have Impact on Us, and We have very little Time to Understand and Pass On the Knowledge. I understand very little about This World as it is, much less the next. I do Know that each Individual leaves Behind a Legacy, Big or small. Whatever This is, or for however long It has, I have a Legacy that will make an Impact.
I abhor fear, but I am Afraid of many things. Some people would call them "phobias", but those, by definition, are irrational. If you have followed along, you are well aware that there are rational explanations for every one of my Fears. Not only has the rational for my Fears been Established, my Individual Security has been Destroyed in every way, shape and form. Most people would not still be Here.
But I AM.
I am not only still Here, but I am preparing to Take On every remaining Fear in the most Direct way I can. Some of them are Physical and ridiculous, at least to my mind, while others are merely in my mind. Through this Journey I not only venture into a Physical realm of discomfort, but an Emotional and Spiritual one as well. When I return, I will be, yet again, Changed. The only Thing left to Fear is the "Cannot's"!