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The Significance Of Relationships
It's no secret that many people share their lives with me. Though they may not always agree with me, they often come to me to seek advice or just for a sounding board so they can deal with the nuances of a relationship without jeopardizing the relationship from a moment's emotions. Sometimes the immediate reaction cannot be contained, and it is recovery that they seek.
This is a blessing, not just in the faith these people impart upon me, but in my ability to take my observations and to learn from them and then to share them. Sometimes I can do this directly, and what I learn from a conversation on one side, I can share wisdom on another. Sometimes it is in a general revelation that I can make the difference.
It is also no secret that I have had unconditional support from certain relationships, while others I have permitted to wound me. While I do not think that those who have hurt me have done so with intent, it has come to my notice, that most of us don't understand our impact on the people in our lives.
I have successfully overcome PTSD and fibromyalgia with little aid from medications. It has taken some extreme changes, and many people would say that I have instead been defeated by it, but this would come from people who have little experience of life. Most people with FM are in constant pain. Even with the aid of medication, they experience continued pain at certain times of the day, or even through their day. With the exception of a long-standing low back problem, I am usually pain free.
My pains (which observation has allowed me to pin-point as FM) return under specific conditions. Certain situations (such as driving) and certain people (who are unaware) cause my pain to return. During the hectic and illness riddled holiday season, even the general pains returned, which is not surprising.
What is surprising is is the unawareness of the impact specific people have on this kind of pain. FM is but one condition that is affected by relationships, but it's emotion/physical connection makes it a perfect example; when distressed, pain increases. People suffering with things like Depression or Bi-Polar Disorder do not always have a direct physical correlation that is so easily observable, but the status of relationships also directly affect those disorders as well.
Most people have key relationships that they deal with on a regular basis. The amount of time spent with the individual is as much a factor as the attitudes taken in the relationship, but it is the perceptions of the infilled that creates the most significant impact. (Note: Being human none of us have perfect understanding, which means we easily and often misunderstand one another, which is why it is the perception, not the actual state that is significant.)
Partners: Most humans have been cultured to require a life-partner. This in itself is an unnecessary stressor. Whereas it can be easier to handle life's upsets with a steady partner, that partner is also a human individual with their own weaknesses and problems. In a good relationship, both individual's take on the other's problems, and if you are already trying to do too much, this can be more harmful than helpful. Sometimes it is better to be able to lean on friends and family than to have to aid a partner when you already feel you are failing.
However supportive partners may hope to be, they are only human, and, no matter how much they may wish to wave a wand or give us a pill that makes everything all better, the reality is often that they are, at least at some point, making the condition worse. It is not easy to be the life-partner of someone with FM. You know your most beloved is in pain and there is nothing you can do to help them. At least that is what you think.
Although it may not be easy, a partner can make a huge difference in a sufferer's pain. Although giving in to every whim is never good, resistance is always bad. Listing can be more important than talking, and allowing your partner to follow their inclinations may help resolve pain issues or at least ease them. You do not know what is best for them, in spite of your ability to observe. Encouragement can be perceived as being forced in a certain direction. It is a very fine line you walk, but when you listen, you will know when to push and when to hold.
Parents: Some sufferers may not have to deal with these relationships in a current sense, but even if parents are gone or just absent, this is a significant life relationship for all humans. Un-resolved issues that linger on the mind is as detrimental as a physical individual pushing their perspectives. For some, counseling is the only available way to deal with these relationships, but if you are a parent in presence, you have the ability to make a difference. Be aware of what you project, and how your child might perceive you, your words, and actions. Understand that the sufferer is more perceptive than even infants and animals, and your mood directly impacts their pain levels.
As parents we strive for perfection, knowing we will fail. Adult children understand that you have usually done your best with whatever moment has come. If you have un-resolved issues, it is better to deal with them or stay away from your child: you are causing them to feel the pain you think you are keeping in your own heart. If you cannot conscientiously project positivity, you are a detriment to their well being. Balance your time in such a way as to be able to share sparingly as you conquer your own problems, and make it a point to rejoice together in every small accomplishment.
Children: You do not need to ask a young child to change anything: their levels of perception are often as great as those of the sufferer. Young children often will unhesitatingly respond to a need for compassion, even when they have no understanding of words. They do not need to be told of a problem before they sense it, and their responses know no artifice.
As they grow, they often become points of pain in themselves; learning how to adjust to the un-kind world that is causing their parent so much pain. Do not be afraid to share experiences with them. This is how they learn. If they only see part of the problem, they only receive partial understanding. It is here that we prevent the perpetuation of such disorders.
Although once you claim responsibility for a child, you are forever linked to them, it is in claiming personal responsibility that we become adults. Whatever may have occurred in one's youth, it is still your choice in how you will allow those things to impact you. Sometimes it is regret for an adult child's past that can cause FM pain to surface; the way you raised them is why they are the way they are, for good or bad. Although this is true, you must understand that even adults teach one another. Just as with a teenage child, sharing allows them to grow in understanding, so it is with the adult child. As an adult child, just as with a parent, if you cannot control your projections in a positive way, avoid your parent with FM. Making such choices is part of being an adult.
Siblings/Close Friends: Not everyone has blood siblings, but they are likely to have friends just as close. These can be key relationships for the FM sufferer. It is to these individuals that the sufferer goes when there is a need to express negativity in a way that does not harm other relationships. Sometimes we need to complain about our partner, parents, or children before returning to the relationship with a balance of emotion that allows for fruitful resolution. Not everyone can afford a therapist for a sounding board and even then, they are not always available at the moment that they are most needed.
So often it is the receptiveness of these relationships that allow us to address our own health, rather it is FM or "normal" people. We go to someone close that is not under the same roof to sound off our concerns and anger, which helps restore our personal balance. These are imperative to all humans, but when what was once unconditional, becomes perceived as a negative, these relationships can create even more damage. It is not easy to sit aside and hear complaints. Sometimes it is not easy to even understand the disorder. Understanding is not required for love to take place, only acceptance. Acceptance goes a long way toward healing.
Co-workers: It is true; some people use their diagnosis as an excuse. They find solace within their weakness and expect more than just sympathy from others. When there is proximity without love, it becomes even more difficult to prevent the projection of negativity. Your co-worker may be using their FM as an excuse, but by providing a negative environment, you perpetuate the need for the excuse. By providing a positive environment, you may find yourself unexpectedly creating a haven in which healing can take place. Sometimes it is the work place instead of the home where we find our greatest solace.
Whatever your relationship, you have an impact on how others feel, both emotionally and physically. We all contribute to the energies around us, for better or worse. Even strangers can have a significant impact on someone with fibromyalgia; how much more significant does your relationship affect them? Talk to one another. Rejoice together in everything you can, and understand that we know the world is not always kind. We want to be needed as well, not just isolated, but it is the spirit in which you share that makes the difference.
This is a blessing, not just in the faith these people impart upon me, but in my ability to take my observations and to learn from them and then to share them. Sometimes I can do this directly, and what I learn from a conversation on one side, I can share wisdom on another. Sometimes it is in a general revelation that I can make the difference.
It is also no secret that I have had unconditional support from certain relationships, while others I have permitted to wound me. While I do not think that those who have hurt me have done so with intent, it has come to my notice, that most of us don't understand our impact on the people in our lives.
I have successfully overcome PTSD and fibromyalgia with little aid from medications. It has taken some extreme changes, and many people would say that I have instead been defeated by it, but this would come from people who have little experience of life. Most people with FM are in constant pain. Even with the aid of medication, they experience continued pain at certain times of the day, or even through their day. With the exception of a long-standing low back problem, I am usually pain free.
My pains (which observation has allowed me to pin-point as FM) return under specific conditions. Certain situations (such as driving) and certain people (who are unaware) cause my pain to return. During the hectic and illness riddled holiday season, even the general pains returned, which is not surprising.
What is surprising is is the unawareness of the impact specific people have on this kind of pain. FM is but one condition that is affected by relationships, but it's emotion/physical connection makes it a perfect example; when distressed, pain increases. People suffering with things like Depression or Bi-Polar Disorder do not always have a direct physical correlation that is so easily observable, but the status of relationships also directly affect those disorders as well.
Most people have key relationships that they deal with on a regular basis. The amount of time spent with the individual is as much a factor as the attitudes taken in the relationship, but it is the perceptions of the infilled that creates the most significant impact. (Note: Being human none of us have perfect understanding, which means we easily and often misunderstand one another, which is why it is the perception, not the actual state that is significant.)
Partners: Most humans have been cultured to require a life-partner. This in itself is an unnecessary stressor. Whereas it can be easier to handle life's upsets with a steady partner, that partner is also a human individual with their own weaknesses and problems. In a good relationship, both individual's take on the other's problems, and if you are already trying to do too much, this can be more harmful than helpful. Sometimes it is better to be able to lean on friends and family than to have to aid a partner when you already feel you are failing.
However supportive partners may hope to be, they are only human, and, no matter how much they may wish to wave a wand or give us a pill that makes everything all better, the reality is often that they are, at least at some point, making the condition worse. It is not easy to be the life-partner of someone with FM. You know your most beloved is in pain and there is nothing you can do to help them. At least that is what you think.
Although it may not be easy, a partner can make a huge difference in a sufferer's pain. Although giving in to every whim is never good, resistance is always bad. Listing can be more important than talking, and allowing your partner to follow their inclinations may help resolve pain issues or at least ease them. You do not know what is best for them, in spite of your ability to observe. Encouragement can be perceived as being forced in a certain direction. It is a very fine line you walk, but when you listen, you will know when to push and when to hold.
Parents: Some sufferers may not have to deal with these relationships in a current sense, but even if parents are gone or just absent, this is a significant life relationship for all humans. Un-resolved issues that linger on the mind is as detrimental as a physical individual pushing their perspectives. For some, counseling is the only available way to deal with these relationships, but if you are a parent in presence, you have the ability to make a difference. Be aware of what you project, and how your child might perceive you, your words, and actions. Understand that the sufferer is more perceptive than even infants and animals, and your mood directly impacts their pain levels.
As parents we strive for perfection, knowing we will fail. Adult children understand that you have usually done your best with whatever moment has come. If you have un-resolved issues, it is better to deal with them or stay away from your child: you are causing them to feel the pain you think you are keeping in your own heart. If you cannot conscientiously project positivity, you are a detriment to their well being. Balance your time in such a way as to be able to share sparingly as you conquer your own problems, and make it a point to rejoice together in every small accomplishment.
Children: You do not need to ask a young child to change anything: their levels of perception are often as great as those of the sufferer. Young children often will unhesitatingly respond to a need for compassion, even when they have no understanding of words. They do not need to be told of a problem before they sense it, and their responses know no artifice.
As they grow, they often become points of pain in themselves; learning how to adjust to the un-kind world that is causing their parent so much pain. Do not be afraid to share experiences with them. This is how they learn. If they only see part of the problem, they only receive partial understanding. It is here that we prevent the perpetuation of such disorders.
Although once you claim responsibility for a child, you are forever linked to them, it is in claiming personal responsibility that we become adults. Whatever may have occurred in one's youth, it is still your choice in how you will allow those things to impact you. Sometimes it is regret for an adult child's past that can cause FM pain to surface; the way you raised them is why they are the way they are, for good or bad. Although this is true, you must understand that even adults teach one another. Just as with a teenage child, sharing allows them to grow in understanding, so it is with the adult child. As an adult child, just as with a parent, if you cannot control your projections in a positive way, avoid your parent with FM. Making such choices is part of being an adult.
Siblings/Close Friends: Not everyone has blood siblings, but they are likely to have friends just as close. These can be key relationships for the FM sufferer. It is to these individuals that the sufferer goes when there is a need to express negativity in a way that does not harm other relationships. Sometimes we need to complain about our partner, parents, or children before returning to the relationship with a balance of emotion that allows for fruitful resolution. Not everyone can afford a therapist for a sounding board and even then, they are not always available at the moment that they are most needed.
So often it is the receptiveness of these relationships that allow us to address our own health, rather it is FM or "normal" people. We go to someone close that is not under the same roof to sound off our concerns and anger, which helps restore our personal balance. These are imperative to all humans, but when what was once unconditional, becomes perceived as a negative, these relationships can create even more damage. It is not easy to sit aside and hear complaints. Sometimes it is not easy to even understand the disorder. Understanding is not required for love to take place, only acceptance. Acceptance goes a long way toward healing.
Co-workers: It is true; some people use their diagnosis as an excuse. They find solace within their weakness and expect more than just sympathy from others. When there is proximity without love, it becomes even more difficult to prevent the projection of negativity. Your co-worker may be using their FM as an excuse, but by providing a negative environment, you perpetuate the need for the excuse. By providing a positive environment, you may find yourself unexpectedly creating a haven in which healing can take place. Sometimes it is the work place instead of the home where we find our greatest solace.
Whatever your relationship, you have an impact on how others feel, both emotionally and physically. We all contribute to the energies around us, for better or worse. Even strangers can have a significant impact on someone with fibromyalgia; how much more significant does your relationship affect them? Talk to one another. Rejoice together in everything you can, and understand that we know the world is not always kind. We want to be needed as well, not just isolated, but it is the spirit in which you share that makes the difference.