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Manic Panic
I make an effort to balance the negative with the positive. The fact is, I truly believe the bulk of this incarnation's experience is intended to be negative. This is a cruel selfish world, and most people may not be out to get me, but if I get in their way, they will not hesitate to hurt me, in whatever form they feel is necessary. That doesn't mean that the over-all experience is negative.
I realize this is a part of why, not only do other people perceive me as "crazy", but I might actually be more than a little off my rocker. This opinionated state of being may well be contributing to the difficulties of my personal existence, but it also means my particular brand of "crazy" makes my life much better than most people.
As a perfect example, I submit these past few weeks. My personal security has been breached, causing me to place excess emphasis on the physical space I call home. Any unknown day, I must evacuate this place of security; this only place of complete security. In addition to the expected loss of my physical security, I must eliminate over 60 years of family accumulation. That is a lot of boxes to sort, sell, distribute or re-pack. If my mental state were not limitations enough, I also have health issues that hinder my abilities to physically process in addition to the mental/emotional constraints.
That does not, however, mean that I am incapable of being positive in the face of a situation that is potential incapacitating. My friends like to make fun of what they call my "OCD". When I am hyper-organized (such as all the pantry labels alphabetized and turned outward), my emotional foundation is eerily secure. For the psycho with my unique qualifications, this means that organizing this move can actually secure some of the braces that have begun to slip.
My brain has a difficult time focusing when I am in a panic, and this move certainly has put me in such a state. When I stop at the end of the day, my thoughts flit through my head like 12 hummingbirds going after the same flower; none of them stay still long enough for me to catch the picture. Unchecked, these thoughts made up of all the things I didn't get done, or the people for whom I feel responsible that i have had to set aside until I process my own issues, or even worries from by-gone days, will shift through my brain with such convolution, that I actually become light-headed and ill.
When I wake up in the morning, I set about my day's tasks with an immediacy that disturbs anyone near me, and a dedication that causes me more physical distress than it may be worth. To consistently progress in any task during the day, is how I attempt to maintain my focus.
Mania hits people in different ways. Many people think of mania as a high in which everything is pleasant and hyper-cheerful. That is not necessarily the case. A dear friend of mine experiences mania in terms of physical and mental agitation, but without focus. In my case, my mania is usually surrounded by the kind of ridiculous positivity that gives mania its stereotypes, however I have learned to harness these problems to produce a positive effect.
That does not mean that I am consistent, nor that I don't have the negativity. I am in a current state of extreme panic. I am unable to sit still without my blood pressure increasing to a noticeable level. If I don't keep it in check, the thoughts that flow through my head lead down the road of "cannot's" and "should not have's" that make me feel like giving up; this is just too big for me.
Sometimes I stop and I let myself have a good cry. The battles I face are too difficult for any one human. In my acceptance of that, I also have to accept that I am not facing my battles alone. Even those friends who are in the midst of their own war for survival, will find time to step away from their current horror just to remind me that they love me. They cannot help me, but that does not mean they are not with me.
Sometimes I stop and force myself to breath. There is nothing I can do about the past, rather I chose to regret it or not. Even yesterday is beyond me, and what I did not do right then, maybe I can fix today, or maybe I will have to learn to live with it. Each mistake does not slap me every moment, so I must put them aside until they rear back to strike again. It's not like I can't bit off a finger of the next slap aimed at me. The future is not likely to happen the way I expect, bad or good, and so it is also out of my control. I can only put a plan into place and work towards that goal with the understanding that my personal malleability is one of the things that makes me the awesome person people come to when life gives them the unexpected.
However I may get to it, I have an understanding of this state of manic panic. There is no point in letting it overcome me, but it is as much a part of who I am as is my sensitivity to Spiritual matters or the children I love. Like the children, my emotional state must be taken in hand and guided. When given direction the children and my fragile psyche will usually find some way to progress within the necessary boundaries, maybe not without occasional temper tantrums, but when disciplined with love and understanding, even the craziest among us get where we need to be.
I realize this is a part of why, not only do other people perceive me as "crazy", but I might actually be more than a little off my rocker. This opinionated state of being may well be contributing to the difficulties of my personal existence, but it also means my particular brand of "crazy" makes my life much better than most people.
As a perfect example, I submit these past few weeks. My personal security has been breached, causing me to place excess emphasis on the physical space I call home. Any unknown day, I must evacuate this place of security; this only place of complete security. In addition to the expected loss of my physical security, I must eliminate over 60 years of family accumulation. That is a lot of boxes to sort, sell, distribute or re-pack. If my mental state were not limitations enough, I also have health issues that hinder my abilities to physically process in addition to the mental/emotional constraints.
That does not, however, mean that I am incapable of being positive in the face of a situation that is potential incapacitating. My friends like to make fun of what they call my "OCD". When I am hyper-organized (such as all the pantry labels alphabetized and turned outward), my emotional foundation is eerily secure. For the psycho with my unique qualifications, this means that organizing this move can actually secure some of the braces that have begun to slip.
My brain has a difficult time focusing when I am in a panic, and this move certainly has put me in such a state. When I stop at the end of the day, my thoughts flit through my head like 12 hummingbirds going after the same flower; none of them stay still long enough for me to catch the picture. Unchecked, these thoughts made up of all the things I didn't get done, or the people for whom I feel responsible that i have had to set aside until I process my own issues, or even worries from by-gone days, will shift through my brain with such convolution, that I actually become light-headed and ill.
When I wake up in the morning, I set about my day's tasks with an immediacy that disturbs anyone near me, and a dedication that causes me more physical distress than it may be worth. To consistently progress in any task during the day, is how I attempt to maintain my focus.
Mania hits people in different ways. Many people think of mania as a high in which everything is pleasant and hyper-cheerful. That is not necessarily the case. A dear friend of mine experiences mania in terms of physical and mental agitation, but without focus. In my case, my mania is usually surrounded by the kind of ridiculous positivity that gives mania its stereotypes, however I have learned to harness these problems to produce a positive effect.
That does not mean that I am consistent, nor that I don't have the negativity. I am in a current state of extreme panic. I am unable to sit still without my blood pressure increasing to a noticeable level. If I don't keep it in check, the thoughts that flow through my head lead down the road of "cannot's" and "should not have's" that make me feel like giving up; this is just too big for me.
Sometimes I stop and I let myself have a good cry. The battles I face are too difficult for any one human. In my acceptance of that, I also have to accept that I am not facing my battles alone. Even those friends who are in the midst of their own war for survival, will find time to step away from their current horror just to remind me that they love me. They cannot help me, but that does not mean they are not with me.
Sometimes I stop and force myself to breath. There is nothing I can do about the past, rather I chose to regret it or not. Even yesterday is beyond me, and what I did not do right then, maybe I can fix today, or maybe I will have to learn to live with it. Each mistake does not slap me every moment, so I must put them aside until they rear back to strike again. It's not like I can't bit off a finger of the next slap aimed at me. The future is not likely to happen the way I expect, bad or good, and so it is also out of my control. I can only put a plan into place and work towards that goal with the understanding that my personal malleability is one of the things that makes me the awesome person people come to when life gives them the unexpected.
However I may get to it, I have an understanding of this state of manic panic. There is no point in letting it overcome me, but it is as much a part of who I am as is my sensitivity to Spiritual matters or the children I love. Like the children, my emotional state must be taken in hand and guided. When given direction the children and my fragile psyche will usually find some way to progress within the necessary boundaries, maybe not without occasional temper tantrums, but when disciplined with love and understanding, even the craziest among us get where we need to be.