Click here to Introduction
FaceBook as an Aid
Today I had a visit with an old friend from my school days. It's hard for people who thought they knew me well to understand my social anxieties. To them I have always radiated confidence and emotional security. Most, in fact, absolutely do not believe me when I tell them of my earliest days; even though they babysat me over night about once each month, I was too shy to speak to my favorite Aunt and Uncle. My closest Uncle, Dad's brother, and I I never really had a one-on-one conversation until I was through high school. Between singing in choir and the Order of Rainbows for girls, I learned how to work through such shyness, but now, it seems I have reverted back to the feelings that made me avoid people anyway.
One-on-one, I am currently doing well, which makes it even more difficult for people to see the truth of my nature. It's not a lack of confidence that keeps me away. It's not even fear. I'm crazy not stupid. I know no one is out to get me, but I also know people are basically selfish creatures and, until they get to know me, they have no concern for my well-being. If I get in someone's way, they usually will have no problems hurting me. Unfortunately I am not only emotionally sensitive, I am also physically sensitive in such a way as to receive excruciating pain from a gentle touch. Avoiding situations where I can expect to face pain, is apparently part of what makes me "crazy", because I will not take mind-numbing medications.
Instead I have worked through my issues in more concrete ways. By using Cognitive Therapy (changing thoughts with purpose and intent) I am able to work through most situations, although I require alone time after the incident to adjust to the pain of the stress. By knowing my body and mind, I adjust my surroundings to accommodate my needs. Over the past 7 months, my Fibromyalgia pain has practically dissolved. I realize I cannot avoid people forever though.
When I first returned from my Little Adventure, I was unable to even text the people I had previously been in everyday communication with. Phone calls and even e-mails had the power to bring on a full anxiety attack. As much as I avoided people, I had found a very satisfying outlet in an unexpected place: FaceBook.
I am not a tech-ie, but I have had a few computer games I have gotten wrapped up in. My need to organize and re-arrange found it's match in a FaceBook app called Yoville. Although I understand the farms are not real, the planting of crops and decorating seasonally gave me satisfaction as I played the various farm applications. The mindlessness and odd focus of playing the games, allowed a healing to take place. Maybe the dedicated timing with which I played was exactly what I needed to pull together the scattered pieces of my mind and allow me to actually focus on my needs.
I am certain there are people out there who have been highly irritated by my FaceBooking. For the past 7 months I have not been bringing in an income. The distance provided by Internet communication, in their opinion, should have been enough for me to at least try to make money. My husband should not have had to bear the burden of our finances alone. Never mind that these kinds of thoughts send me into a spiral of panic in themselves. It was my observations of this that lead me to understand that money and finances are an evil in my heart. I understand money is necessary, which is why I have, though the evidence might suggest the contrary, been working hard to find balance.
My personal balance can be maintained through something as mundane as FaceBook. At first I only accepted "Friend Requests" from people I knew. At my least sociable, we would send "gift requests" to one another, and the people who were used to hearing me "blah, blah, blah" (as I like to call it) were content to just know I was still alive, even if I wasn't ready to share. Mama and I have always had an unusual relationship, but when we play FB games together, it's like both of us reading separate books in the same room. In depth interaction is not required.
Slowly I added a friend base and occasional status changes, eventually commenting on tidbits from other people. Through FaceBook, I evolved my social interaction, even finding great satisfaction in my interactions. From the people that I considered family, to old high school comrades who thought I was some kind of mirage, I slowly became more and more interactive. Through encouragement and coercion, I even began to play some of the games with complete strangers.
This has been a huge deal for me. Even though I still have extreme issues with lots of people in public buildings, I have been able to actually go to the grocery store, or even interact with friends of friends in person. I could not have done that without having first eased myself into it through FaceBook.
The thing to understand is, FaceBook is a safe environment without isolation. The more friends you have on FB, the more difficult it become to isolate. You have several different ways of communicating on FB, from private messages and chats, to social commentary and statuses. I was in complete control of the level of interaction. For example, if I was having a difficult day and I felt the need to take refuge in my fake fish tank, I could still receive notifications that someone wanted to chat with me, but I didn't have to answer them. To my shame, technology makes it easy to pretend I didn't see the chat box, because there are times when a game prevents the chats from working. Maybe it wasn't the nicest thing to do, but it was possible, and there have been times when I haven't felt the ability to present the public persona I wanted to maintain.
Which has been another amazing bi-product of my FB interactions. I have been blessed with being able to write my feelings and experiences, which has made all this possible. I can take the most horrible of experiences and turn it into something positive. Although I do not try to hide how I feel any longer, I still do not want to be interactive when I am in a negative place. I understand that I have some emotional issues that can lead me to saying things that are not the kind of things I want to put out into the world. I get that I don't drive because I could hurt someone over a stupid slight, and when I am already angry, I could hurt someone's feelings over something stupid too. I don't want to be that person, so I can choose to not interact on those days.
Lately I am noticing that that my personal isolation is doing a dis-service to others. My cultivating a life on FB has turned into more than I imagined. I thought FB would serve me in my purpose, but I have come to understand it helps me serve the purpose God has for me. And it feels very odd to say such a thing. Every morning I feel like I must open up my FB account, in case I am needed.
Because in learning to heal myself, I have been useful in serving others as well. Sometimes I am needed by a friend who just doesn't know how to break the depressive cycle they are in and they just need me to remind them that someone really does care. Sometimes it's someone who just needs to spout off about something to a person they know will not judge them for their release. Sometimes it is someone in crisis who needs to not be alone at that moment and they have no where else to go, who knows they can find a caring heart just a click away. Sometimes it's a person who just needs to say, "I'm in a fight for my life too. Thanks for sharing your struggles."
Because that is what I am here to do. I share the inner turmoil of my heart; the struggles with my sanity in a world gone crazy. Each time I put down words to send out into the universe, I do it for a specific audience. I do it because I know I am not the only one who struggles. I know I am not the only one who has been harmed by conformity. I know there is someone out there who needs this bit of encouragement. Life is a struggle, there's no question, but it is in our struggles that make this experience worth while. I'm not saying "If I can do it, you can do it." I am telling you that we all have problems, but it is up to you to figure out what best serves your needs. There are more ways to heal than doctors and psychiatrists know about. There may be things you are already doing that is leading you to your ideal state of being. Investigate your own life. Try new things. Support one another. Above all, as you struggle with your own world, keep in mind that together we are making a difference!
One-on-one, I am currently doing well, which makes it even more difficult for people to see the truth of my nature. It's not a lack of confidence that keeps me away. It's not even fear. I'm crazy not stupid. I know no one is out to get me, but I also know people are basically selfish creatures and, until they get to know me, they have no concern for my well-being. If I get in someone's way, they usually will have no problems hurting me. Unfortunately I am not only emotionally sensitive, I am also physically sensitive in such a way as to receive excruciating pain from a gentle touch. Avoiding situations where I can expect to face pain, is apparently part of what makes me "crazy", because I will not take mind-numbing medications.
Instead I have worked through my issues in more concrete ways. By using Cognitive Therapy (changing thoughts with purpose and intent) I am able to work through most situations, although I require alone time after the incident to adjust to the pain of the stress. By knowing my body and mind, I adjust my surroundings to accommodate my needs. Over the past 7 months, my Fibromyalgia pain has practically dissolved. I realize I cannot avoid people forever though.
When I first returned from my Little Adventure, I was unable to even text the people I had previously been in everyday communication with. Phone calls and even e-mails had the power to bring on a full anxiety attack. As much as I avoided people, I had found a very satisfying outlet in an unexpected place: FaceBook.
I am not a tech-ie, but I have had a few computer games I have gotten wrapped up in. My need to organize and re-arrange found it's match in a FaceBook app called Yoville. Although I understand the farms are not real, the planting of crops and decorating seasonally gave me satisfaction as I played the various farm applications. The mindlessness and odd focus of playing the games, allowed a healing to take place. Maybe the dedicated timing with which I played was exactly what I needed to pull together the scattered pieces of my mind and allow me to actually focus on my needs.
I am certain there are people out there who have been highly irritated by my FaceBooking. For the past 7 months I have not been bringing in an income. The distance provided by Internet communication, in their opinion, should have been enough for me to at least try to make money. My husband should not have had to bear the burden of our finances alone. Never mind that these kinds of thoughts send me into a spiral of panic in themselves. It was my observations of this that lead me to understand that money and finances are an evil in my heart. I understand money is necessary, which is why I have, though the evidence might suggest the contrary, been working hard to find balance.
My personal balance can be maintained through something as mundane as FaceBook. At first I only accepted "Friend Requests" from people I knew. At my least sociable, we would send "gift requests" to one another, and the people who were used to hearing me "blah, blah, blah" (as I like to call it) were content to just know I was still alive, even if I wasn't ready to share. Mama and I have always had an unusual relationship, but when we play FB games together, it's like both of us reading separate books in the same room. In depth interaction is not required.
Slowly I added a friend base and occasional status changes, eventually commenting on tidbits from other people. Through FaceBook, I evolved my social interaction, even finding great satisfaction in my interactions. From the people that I considered family, to old high school comrades who thought I was some kind of mirage, I slowly became more and more interactive. Through encouragement and coercion, I even began to play some of the games with complete strangers.
This has been a huge deal for me. Even though I still have extreme issues with lots of people in public buildings, I have been able to actually go to the grocery store, or even interact with friends of friends in person. I could not have done that without having first eased myself into it through FaceBook.
The thing to understand is, FaceBook is a safe environment without isolation. The more friends you have on FB, the more difficult it become to isolate. You have several different ways of communicating on FB, from private messages and chats, to social commentary and statuses. I was in complete control of the level of interaction. For example, if I was having a difficult day and I felt the need to take refuge in my fake fish tank, I could still receive notifications that someone wanted to chat with me, but I didn't have to answer them. To my shame, technology makes it easy to pretend I didn't see the chat box, because there are times when a game prevents the chats from working. Maybe it wasn't the nicest thing to do, but it was possible, and there have been times when I haven't felt the ability to present the public persona I wanted to maintain.
Which has been another amazing bi-product of my FB interactions. I have been blessed with being able to write my feelings and experiences, which has made all this possible. I can take the most horrible of experiences and turn it into something positive. Although I do not try to hide how I feel any longer, I still do not want to be interactive when I am in a negative place. I understand that I have some emotional issues that can lead me to saying things that are not the kind of things I want to put out into the world. I get that I don't drive because I could hurt someone over a stupid slight, and when I am already angry, I could hurt someone's feelings over something stupid too. I don't want to be that person, so I can choose to not interact on those days.
Lately I am noticing that that my personal isolation is doing a dis-service to others. My cultivating a life on FB has turned into more than I imagined. I thought FB would serve me in my purpose, but I have come to understand it helps me serve the purpose God has for me. And it feels very odd to say such a thing. Every morning I feel like I must open up my FB account, in case I am needed.
Because in learning to heal myself, I have been useful in serving others as well. Sometimes I am needed by a friend who just doesn't know how to break the depressive cycle they are in and they just need me to remind them that someone really does care. Sometimes it's someone who just needs to spout off about something to a person they know will not judge them for their release. Sometimes it is someone in crisis who needs to not be alone at that moment and they have no where else to go, who knows they can find a caring heart just a click away. Sometimes it's a person who just needs to say, "I'm in a fight for my life too. Thanks for sharing your struggles."
Because that is what I am here to do. I share the inner turmoil of my heart; the struggles with my sanity in a world gone crazy. Each time I put down words to send out into the universe, I do it for a specific audience. I do it because I know I am not the only one who struggles. I know I am not the only one who has been harmed by conformity. I know there is someone out there who needs this bit of encouragement. Life is a struggle, there's no question, but it is in our struggles that make this experience worth while. I'm not saying "If I can do it, you can do it." I am telling you that we all have problems, but it is up to you to figure out what best serves your needs. There are more ways to heal than doctors and psychiatrists know about. There may be things you are already doing that is leading you to your ideal state of being. Investigate your own life. Try new things. Support one another. Above all, as you struggle with your own world, keep in mind that together we are making a difference!