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The Process of Pain 1
Pain exists as a method of communication between our physical being, and our consciousness. We are not all physicians and psychiatrists, so our being comes up with all kinds of creative ways to make us aware of specific needs. Pain is just one form, but it is a significant one.
I currently face two very specific pains cause by two completely different reasons. In addition to a currently-being-investigated physically caused pain in my shoulder, I also have Fibromyalgia, which I thought was very much under control. Then this week happened.
Not that my week has been so drastically different than most weeks, nor was it as horrible as some others have faced. Like most humans, my stresses ebb and flow with tide of being. Also like most humans, my physical and mental being have specific limitations.
Physically, turning on the lawn mower is a specific limitation. It makes me disproportionately angry that, after recently discovering a way to out-smart this limitation, this current shoulder problem has created yet another "I can't" in my life. I hate "I can't". "Hate" and "Can't" are curse words in my mouth. But I must accept that I am human, and as such, when my shoulder is screaming "Can't!" I need to accept that it is also likely telling me, "If you try you will make it worse!"
For a change I have pain pills on hand, and we have seen how those turn "I can't!" into "Ha, ha! I told you I could!" and the repercussions of such behavior. It's likely that the extremities of the problem with my shoulder is in direct proportion to my inability to listen and follow directions. How wonderfully ironic that I should have used that phrase so often as a pre-school teacher.
Not only do I have this awareness of physical limitations, after thinking I had adjusted my life to accommodate my psychological pain, this week the Fibromyalgia pain has returned. In the past six months, this specific pain in my right side has rarely made itself known, and on occasions where it did flare up, I could contribute a specific cause which soon resolved itself. In "doctor-speak" this occasional level 5 pain has become a constant 7 over the past 32 hours. This pain has been worse and has lasted for much longer, so I am not yet too concerned about it; but I am concerned.
In theory, FM is the results of chemicals produced during stress (through our "Fight-or-Flight Response") which are not adequately used. For example, whereas humans usually required an abundance of adrenaline to fight their prey or run from a predator, now our stressors usually require little, if any, actual physical response. IN addition, instead of an immediate resolution, most stressors now last over an extended period of time. Mind you this is not the end all-be-all scientific explanation, and there are many theories still being examined, but this is one specific explanation that makes sense to me.
Having been a pre-school teacher who exposed her students to various types of learning, I have enough knowledge to investigate this theory for myself. As mentioned previously, I have eliminated specific types of situations that were obvious causes of significant emotional distress, and though not exactly practical, the improvement in my health has seemed disproportionate to the causes: by eliminating a public life, I eliminate most of my pain.
Through the blessings of understanding friends and family, and the immediate support of my husband and my dad, in spite of the impracticality of this arrangement, I have been permitted the time personally needed to re-introduce public interactions gradually. This included the realization that expectations, both mine as well as others, often created a more significant reaction, than the actual event. By arranging immediate isolation possibilities, as well as time of exposure, in addition to understanding of other participants as to the arrangements, I have been able to nearly eliminate even my social anxieties.
I am not a degreed scientists, however, and this experiment I call my life is not in a controlled setting. Not only do I have very little ability to manipulate every variable according to desire, I am also an obviously subjective observer. There is also the problem that, being human, I may very well make mistakes in my interpretations of my observations. This makes me wonder if I am even as "well" as I think I am.
I have accepted that others think I am psychologically much better off than I really am, even though I try to share this process as openly as I am able. I believe I have accurately exhibited my push through negativity in any form, to a positive out come, allowing for time of emotional rest more often than I allow for physical recuperation. Even so, as I sit here and try to understand this renewed pain, the awareness of these things I have successfully hidden from the outside world, is exactly those things that, will not be ignored:
It is not just our financial situation that causes me concern, but the financial state of the world! I do not believe I can personally do anything to stop the crisis I believe is upon us, and yet I must accept it. I am not nearly as Zen as you think I am. I understand that those numbers and little pieces of paper and metal are really worth nothing more than an agreed upon opinion. Humans agree on very little and never for long. The gold that that trash is supposed to represent has no value to the starving: you cannot eat it, even if there was enough to cover what we have agreed to.
I don't think this is extreme thinking, it is a simple fact we all accept. I will never be the kind of person who accepts gold as a substitute for the value of a person and their abilities. When you bury your hands in the garden with me, our time and efforts and even materials used are worth much more than the paper you might want to give me for spending time organizing your computer files. Even if I accept that it is better for me to work in trade in matters of concern, that doesn't mean that I don't worry that not having money could do worse than kill me because I cannot afford adequate medical care; it lowers my value in the eyes of people who say they love me.
It is not just the fact that there are individuals who are unkind to me that drains my strength, but the cruelty I hear about every single day! It always disturbed me when people would pull pranks on others, unless it was one of those mutually fun contests many families have. I even understand that each individual has their own individual expectations of others and in their definitions and behaviors. Most of the time I even understand that so much of what is rude and cruel, is just selfishness revealed, and can be the perpetrator's method of survival. Survival has made me not only act out in cruel ways, but I have reveled in the pain it caused. I can understand what can make people step over the line of their selves. Even though I may go out of my way to show love to those who miss it from places where it should be given freely, I cannot love the entire world every single moment. I also know it is unrealistic to even want to, but this is also one of those burdens I carry pushed deep inside and try to hide away from your rational mind.
It's not even that I really do think I can be and do more for myself, but that I am so much less than what I should be for others. Maybe it is because of my over-all psychology, but I think I feel my faults and limitations deeper than the average person. I am aware that to have cosmic concerns makes me "delusional" in the eyes of "rational minds". I may embrace your definition of my "crazy", but that does not mean it is not a burden. I merely accept what I cannot change, and I cannot change how others define me. I will not change my cosmic concerns; they make me an individual that I can be proud of. If there is something in you to change, I will leave that between you and God, by whatever Name.
That does not mean that there are not things that I can change. Part of being mentally healthy is understanding how your environment affects your psychology. Through personal observations, you can know what actions improve your well-being. It is not unusual for cleaning to be an action that creates a positive emotional response. Some people spend their energies trying to battle such an obsession, while others are able to moderate the need for physical order. My skills at such moderation is fair at best, as the lame shoulder can attest. However, as I process this renewed FM pain, I can balance specific known factors, and possible resolve this current issue: I am more psychologically balanced when in a clean environment, and physical activity should balance the "Fight-or-Flight Response" chemicals.
My hypothesis therefore would be: Cleaning my house will alleviate, if not eliminate my side pain. The problem will, of course, be how to do so without the interference of my left arm.
I currently face two very specific pains cause by two completely different reasons. In addition to a currently-being-investigated physically caused pain in my shoulder, I also have Fibromyalgia, which I thought was very much under control. Then this week happened.
Not that my week has been so drastically different than most weeks, nor was it as horrible as some others have faced. Like most humans, my stresses ebb and flow with tide of being. Also like most humans, my physical and mental being have specific limitations.
Physically, turning on the lawn mower is a specific limitation. It makes me disproportionately angry that, after recently discovering a way to out-smart this limitation, this current shoulder problem has created yet another "I can't" in my life. I hate "I can't". "Hate" and "Can't" are curse words in my mouth. But I must accept that I am human, and as such, when my shoulder is screaming "Can't!" I need to accept that it is also likely telling me, "If you try you will make it worse!"
For a change I have pain pills on hand, and we have seen how those turn "I can't!" into "Ha, ha! I told you I could!" and the repercussions of such behavior. It's likely that the extremities of the problem with my shoulder is in direct proportion to my inability to listen and follow directions. How wonderfully ironic that I should have used that phrase so often as a pre-school teacher.
Not only do I have this awareness of physical limitations, after thinking I had adjusted my life to accommodate my psychological pain, this week the Fibromyalgia pain has returned. In the past six months, this specific pain in my right side has rarely made itself known, and on occasions where it did flare up, I could contribute a specific cause which soon resolved itself. In "doctor-speak" this occasional level 5 pain has become a constant 7 over the past 32 hours. This pain has been worse and has lasted for much longer, so I am not yet too concerned about it; but I am concerned.
In theory, FM is the results of chemicals produced during stress (through our "Fight-or-Flight Response") which are not adequately used. For example, whereas humans usually required an abundance of adrenaline to fight their prey or run from a predator, now our stressors usually require little, if any, actual physical response. IN addition, instead of an immediate resolution, most stressors now last over an extended period of time. Mind you this is not the end all-be-all scientific explanation, and there are many theories still being examined, but this is one specific explanation that makes sense to me.
Having been a pre-school teacher who exposed her students to various types of learning, I have enough knowledge to investigate this theory for myself. As mentioned previously, I have eliminated specific types of situations that were obvious causes of significant emotional distress, and though not exactly practical, the improvement in my health has seemed disproportionate to the causes: by eliminating a public life, I eliminate most of my pain.
Through the blessings of understanding friends and family, and the immediate support of my husband and my dad, in spite of the impracticality of this arrangement, I have been permitted the time personally needed to re-introduce public interactions gradually. This included the realization that expectations, both mine as well as others, often created a more significant reaction, than the actual event. By arranging immediate isolation possibilities, as well as time of exposure, in addition to understanding of other participants as to the arrangements, I have been able to nearly eliminate even my social anxieties.
I am not a degreed scientists, however, and this experiment I call my life is not in a controlled setting. Not only do I have very little ability to manipulate every variable according to desire, I am also an obviously subjective observer. There is also the problem that, being human, I may very well make mistakes in my interpretations of my observations. This makes me wonder if I am even as "well" as I think I am.
I have accepted that others think I am psychologically much better off than I really am, even though I try to share this process as openly as I am able. I believe I have accurately exhibited my push through negativity in any form, to a positive out come, allowing for time of emotional rest more often than I allow for physical recuperation. Even so, as I sit here and try to understand this renewed pain, the awareness of these things I have successfully hidden from the outside world, is exactly those things that, will not be ignored:
It is not just our financial situation that causes me concern, but the financial state of the world! I do not believe I can personally do anything to stop the crisis I believe is upon us, and yet I must accept it. I am not nearly as Zen as you think I am. I understand that those numbers and little pieces of paper and metal are really worth nothing more than an agreed upon opinion. Humans agree on very little and never for long. The gold that that trash is supposed to represent has no value to the starving: you cannot eat it, even if there was enough to cover what we have agreed to.
I don't think this is extreme thinking, it is a simple fact we all accept. I will never be the kind of person who accepts gold as a substitute for the value of a person and their abilities. When you bury your hands in the garden with me, our time and efforts and even materials used are worth much more than the paper you might want to give me for spending time organizing your computer files. Even if I accept that it is better for me to work in trade in matters of concern, that doesn't mean that I don't worry that not having money could do worse than kill me because I cannot afford adequate medical care; it lowers my value in the eyes of people who say they love me.
It is not just the fact that there are individuals who are unkind to me that drains my strength, but the cruelty I hear about every single day! It always disturbed me when people would pull pranks on others, unless it was one of those mutually fun contests many families have. I even understand that each individual has their own individual expectations of others and in their definitions and behaviors. Most of the time I even understand that so much of what is rude and cruel, is just selfishness revealed, and can be the perpetrator's method of survival. Survival has made me not only act out in cruel ways, but I have reveled in the pain it caused. I can understand what can make people step over the line of their selves. Even though I may go out of my way to show love to those who miss it from places where it should be given freely, I cannot love the entire world every single moment. I also know it is unrealistic to even want to, but this is also one of those burdens I carry pushed deep inside and try to hide away from your rational mind.
It's not even that I really do think I can be and do more for myself, but that I am so much less than what I should be for others. Maybe it is because of my over-all psychology, but I think I feel my faults and limitations deeper than the average person. I am aware that to have cosmic concerns makes me "delusional" in the eyes of "rational minds". I may embrace your definition of my "crazy", but that does not mean it is not a burden. I merely accept what I cannot change, and I cannot change how others define me. I will not change my cosmic concerns; they make me an individual that I can be proud of. If there is something in you to change, I will leave that between you and God, by whatever Name.
That does not mean that there are not things that I can change. Part of being mentally healthy is understanding how your environment affects your psychology. Through personal observations, you can know what actions improve your well-being. It is not unusual for cleaning to be an action that creates a positive emotional response. Some people spend their energies trying to battle such an obsession, while others are able to moderate the need for physical order. My skills at such moderation is fair at best, as the lame shoulder can attest. However, as I process this renewed FM pain, I can balance specific known factors, and possible resolve this current issue: I am more psychologically balanced when in a clean environment, and physical activity should balance the "Fight-or-Flight Response" chemicals.
My hypothesis therefore would be: Cleaning my house will alleviate, if not eliminate my side pain. The problem will, of course, be how to do so without the interference of my left arm.