Click here to Introduction
Bi-Polar Expectations
Have you ever noticed how people say one thing and expect something else? The world is full of little conflicts where we are required to something completely opposite for what we feel we should do. Sometimes those moments are necessary; it's difficult to let the youngster go off to school even though you know they need educated both mentally and socially. Then there are the moments when you have to wonder, is this generalization really right for me?
Because not every child should go off to school. Depending on the school itself as well as the child's individual abilities, public Kindergarten may not be the right choice. There are schools where Kindergartners mix with much older children who are as likely to be carrying weapons as not. If the young child is expected to grow up and remain in that area, then it would be very appropriate for them to learn how to deal with that environment, but you wouldn't send a mentally challenged child into that environment.
Not all challenges are obvious. Some children are unable to conform to the expectations of school. Even though many children are still medicated with such prescriptions as Ritalin, some teachers understand Kinetic Learners and can adjust their expectations accordingly; often providing the child with a coping mechanism such as finger-play that allows them to succeed in a stationary setting. More often, however, teachers expect students to sit still, listen and follow directions, and to behaving according to the standards set before them by the institution of education that they find themselves in.
Just as the Muslim student in my Christian pre-school class, there are just some conformity's that cannot be. My mental health is very much the same. I have been told this, that and the other by "medical professionals" who have no idea what my priorities are and how they fit whit the person I want to be. Like most teachers, they don't care as long as I don't disturb their expectations, but the moment someone chooses to be different, they are a "problem".
I understand that there are times when conforming is necessary, but does that include those things that go against my priorities? Lately I feel like they do. Having been out or work for six months due to my "emotional issues", I am feeling pressured to seek my aid through conformity to the standards of others. It does not seem to matter that I have reached this point through adhering to instructions from the same kind of people who I am expected to turn to for help now. The last time I asked these people for help, they locked me up, purposefully keeping me in pain and distress.
To some people that is an exaggeration. A 24 hour lock-up without medication is no big deal. Let's forget that my stress induced pain made me want to kill myself to begin with. Not that suicide is my first choice, but there have been moments of pain so intense and for so long, that I knew I couldn't live like that. Even after the medication had my thoughts spinning into realms of low self-worth, I had enough "Me" left to know there was something more wrong than the pain. In my need to survive, I was mistaken for a lost cause. In locking me up, they disturbed my personal value system. The only thing of value was my ability to keep breathing without affecting someone else's ability to do so.
I requested my personal physician and therapist be contacted and I was denied. I requested medical attention and was denied. Even the simple request for a washcloth was denied, causing me to substitute a sock. What worth is a person who has to use a sock for a washcloth?! If I were not a strong, emotionally capable person, they would have finished off what the medications had started. Part of me still wants to torture those individuals who treated me so poorly; death is too good for them.
That is not the person I want to be. That was part of the reason I tried the medications and counseling to begin with. The anger I felt seemed disproportionate to the situations, even to my warped perspective. Instead of finding relief, everything went worse, until I stood up for myself. The moment I decided to take my life back, was the moment my healing began.
I understand that there are medication that help people; even people like me. I am even accepting that there may come a time when I will be better with some kind of medication, but now is not that time. Because I refuse to participate in the medicate zombies of the "Bi-Polar" world, I am being criticized. I have tried several different things and it always comes down to the same results: I do not like who I am on the medications. I watch friends and family survive through them and one phrase has begun prominent, "I need to change my meds again."
Why would I want to be at the mercy of something I cannot control? It takes time to build up these medications in the body so they work "properly" and it takes time to get rid of them when they don't. Everything that goes into that body affects the medications, as well as outside influences. The world is constantly changing around us. When one "problem" is addressed, another often comes up to take it's place. If I am dependent on a medication to regulate my emotions, how can I judge for myself the propriety of those emotions? If I take a medication to balance, then someone dies, do I automatically call the doctor to get a change in medication to accommodate these new feelings? Not if I don't have insurance.
I shouldn't need insurance in order to survive. I shouldn't need someone else to tell me if my emotional output is appropriate. That does not mean I shouldn't self-check through the opinions of people who know and love me, but that does not include the opinion of a professional who has no understanding of my priorities.
Let me tell you, psychologists, therapists and other types of counselors do not think it appropriate to put anything before your self, no matter how they may try to placate you. My priorities are God, Family, Self. My therapist thought it best if I put myself first so I could take care of the other two. I believe that when you put God first, these other things will work out the way they should, but that, apparently, is part of what makes me "crazy", or maybe it had more to do with my refusal to agree with him.
And therein, lies the problem. I don't think counselors expect me to agree with them the moment I walk in the door, but they apparently do before they will declare me "sane". It is my lack of agreement ad refusal to conform to standards I feel are WRONG that has me in this position. I understand that my priorities do not fit in with the priorities of most people. Then again I have a very different perspective.
Science is based on the empirical. Even such "pseudo-sciences" as Psychology and Sociology are based on empirical observations. I am quite certain I could conform to the materialistic expectations of reality if I wasn't quite certain that what really matters has very little to do with the empirical. I understand and accept that humans are physical beings with physical needs, and that the ethereal is often impacted by the empirical. Perhaps that is why the physical has taken precedence over all things during this time and place. To my understanding, the physical is of very little importance in the cosmic purpose.
I also understand that it is likely my cosmic perspective that causes others to dismiss me as "crazy". Not everyone is intended to understand existence the same way. Humans fit into generalizations, making it easy to establish expectations of patterned behaviors, thoughts even priorities. When someone does not conform to those generalizations, they are feared. I don't think most people are afraid of me, but I do make them fear.
Because I hold myself to a higher truth than they can even conceive. God is not just a word I use to comfort me. The earth is not just the planet I live on. Joan of Arc was burned for being a witch; Jesus was crucified for living according to his priorities. I am lucky to be in a time where my ramblings will merely be called "crazy". I understand that people who speak out for Faith, are doomed to be criticized. You have to have heard before you can begin to understand that when God calls, you have no choice.
Don't get me wrong, I also understand that "hearing voices" is a dangerous thing. Most people don't know that I have actually heard the Voice of God, even if I don't call It Jehovah. Although I took comfort in what I heard, I still questioned everything until I discovered that one of the words I heard, was actually Hebrew. I don't know Hebrew and had not been exposed to it much at all, and yet there was that word; not just a word with random meaning. "I am here". God in the now.
Some people will deny that I ever heard it, and others will believe me and still call me crazy. I am not the one saying that different individuals with different perceptions based on difference experiences all have to conform to one standard of living. I am not the one who says we must look to man-made solutions to man-made problems, instead of addressing the problems as men. I am not the one insisting that everyone else be like me, but I am the one accepting the need to at least appear to conform for the comfort of the people I love. I will cautiously take the some of the steps you insist I take; knowing even in my fear, that my Faith will carry me, even when I don't understand the situation. After all, I am the one who took that horrible little adventure into Hell and have turned it into this:
I have the strength other lean on when they are weak.
I am the one who calms when others are in turmoil.
I have the clarity to see us through emotional distress when others are blinded by reality.
I have the passion to move forward when barriers seem insurmountable.
I am nothing to myself-less than insignificant. It is in my service to others that I have value, and I am blessed more than most to be able to be of service every day. If these things make me "crazy" or " a bad person" or even just plain "Wrong" then I gladly accept these monikers. In the end I will be able to meet my Creator eye-to-eye and know that I have done well with the life It gave me.
Because not every child should go off to school. Depending on the school itself as well as the child's individual abilities, public Kindergarten may not be the right choice. There are schools where Kindergartners mix with much older children who are as likely to be carrying weapons as not. If the young child is expected to grow up and remain in that area, then it would be very appropriate for them to learn how to deal with that environment, but you wouldn't send a mentally challenged child into that environment.
Not all challenges are obvious. Some children are unable to conform to the expectations of school. Even though many children are still medicated with such prescriptions as Ritalin, some teachers understand Kinetic Learners and can adjust their expectations accordingly; often providing the child with a coping mechanism such as finger-play that allows them to succeed in a stationary setting. More often, however, teachers expect students to sit still, listen and follow directions, and to behaving according to the standards set before them by the institution of education that they find themselves in.
Just as the Muslim student in my Christian pre-school class, there are just some conformity's that cannot be. My mental health is very much the same. I have been told this, that and the other by "medical professionals" who have no idea what my priorities are and how they fit whit the person I want to be. Like most teachers, they don't care as long as I don't disturb their expectations, but the moment someone chooses to be different, they are a "problem".
I understand that there are times when conforming is necessary, but does that include those things that go against my priorities? Lately I feel like they do. Having been out or work for six months due to my "emotional issues", I am feeling pressured to seek my aid through conformity to the standards of others. It does not seem to matter that I have reached this point through adhering to instructions from the same kind of people who I am expected to turn to for help now. The last time I asked these people for help, they locked me up, purposefully keeping me in pain and distress.
To some people that is an exaggeration. A 24 hour lock-up without medication is no big deal. Let's forget that my stress induced pain made me want to kill myself to begin with. Not that suicide is my first choice, but there have been moments of pain so intense and for so long, that I knew I couldn't live like that. Even after the medication had my thoughts spinning into realms of low self-worth, I had enough "Me" left to know there was something more wrong than the pain. In my need to survive, I was mistaken for a lost cause. In locking me up, they disturbed my personal value system. The only thing of value was my ability to keep breathing without affecting someone else's ability to do so.
I requested my personal physician and therapist be contacted and I was denied. I requested medical attention and was denied. Even the simple request for a washcloth was denied, causing me to substitute a sock. What worth is a person who has to use a sock for a washcloth?! If I were not a strong, emotionally capable person, they would have finished off what the medications had started. Part of me still wants to torture those individuals who treated me so poorly; death is too good for them.
That is not the person I want to be. That was part of the reason I tried the medications and counseling to begin with. The anger I felt seemed disproportionate to the situations, even to my warped perspective. Instead of finding relief, everything went worse, until I stood up for myself. The moment I decided to take my life back, was the moment my healing began.
I understand that there are medication that help people; even people like me. I am even accepting that there may come a time when I will be better with some kind of medication, but now is not that time. Because I refuse to participate in the medicate zombies of the "Bi-Polar" world, I am being criticized. I have tried several different things and it always comes down to the same results: I do not like who I am on the medications. I watch friends and family survive through them and one phrase has begun prominent, "I need to change my meds again."
Why would I want to be at the mercy of something I cannot control? It takes time to build up these medications in the body so they work "properly" and it takes time to get rid of them when they don't. Everything that goes into that body affects the medications, as well as outside influences. The world is constantly changing around us. When one "problem" is addressed, another often comes up to take it's place. If I am dependent on a medication to regulate my emotions, how can I judge for myself the propriety of those emotions? If I take a medication to balance, then someone dies, do I automatically call the doctor to get a change in medication to accommodate these new feelings? Not if I don't have insurance.
I shouldn't need insurance in order to survive. I shouldn't need someone else to tell me if my emotional output is appropriate. That does not mean I shouldn't self-check through the opinions of people who know and love me, but that does not include the opinion of a professional who has no understanding of my priorities.
Let me tell you, psychologists, therapists and other types of counselors do not think it appropriate to put anything before your self, no matter how they may try to placate you. My priorities are God, Family, Self. My therapist thought it best if I put myself first so I could take care of the other two. I believe that when you put God first, these other things will work out the way they should, but that, apparently, is part of what makes me "crazy", or maybe it had more to do with my refusal to agree with him.
And therein, lies the problem. I don't think counselors expect me to agree with them the moment I walk in the door, but they apparently do before they will declare me "sane". It is my lack of agreement ad refusal to conform to standards I feel are WRONG that has me in this position. I understand that my priorities do not fit in with the priorities of most people. Then again I have a very different perspective.
Science is based on the empirical. Even such "pseudo-sciences" as Psychology and Sociology are based on empirical observations. I am quite certain I could conform to the materialistic expectations of reality if I wasn't quite certain that what really matters has very little to do with the empirical. I understand and accept that humans are physical beings with physical needs, and that the ethereal is often impacted by the empirical. Perhaps that is why the physical has taken precedence over all things during this time and place. To my understanding, the physical is of very little importance in the cosmic purpose.
I also understand that it is likely my cosmic perspective that causes others to dismiss me as "crazy". Not everyone is intended to understand existence the same way. Humans fit into generalizations, making it easy to establish expectations of patterned behaviors, thoughts even priorities. When someone does not conform to those generalizations, they are feared. I don't think most people are afraid of me, but I do make them fear.
Because I hold myself to a higher truth than they can even conceive. God is not just a word I use to comfort me. The earth is not just the planet I live on. Joan of Arc was burned for being a witch; Jesus was crucified for living according to his priorities. I am lucky to be in a time where my ramblings will merely be called "crazy". I understand that people who speak out for Faith, are doomed to be criticized. You have to have heard before you can begin to understand that when God calls, you have no choice.
Don't get me wrong, I also understand that "hearing voices" is a dangerous thing. Most people don't know that I have actually heard the Voice of God, even if I don't call It Jehovah. Although I took comfort in what I heard, I still questioned everything until I discovered that one of the words I heard, was actually Hebrew. I don't know Hebrew and had not been exposed to it much at all, and yet there was that word; not just a word with random meaning. "I am here". God in the now.
Some people will deny that I ever heard it, and others will believe me and still call me crazy. I am not the one saying that different individuals with different perceptions based on difference experiences all have to conform to one standard of living. I am not the one who says we must look to man-made solutions to man-made problems, instead of addressing the problems as men. I am not the one insisting that everyone else be like me, but I am the one accepting the need to at least appear to conform for the comfort of the people I love. I will cautiously take the some of the steps you insist I take; knowing even in my fear, that my Faith will carry me, even when I don't understand the situation. After all, I am the one who took that horrible little adventure into Hell and have turned it into this:
I have the strength other lean on when they are weak.
I am the one who calms when others are in turmoil.
I have the clarity to see us through emotional distress when others are blinded by reality.
I have the passion to move forward when barriers seem insurmountable.
I am nothing to myself-less than insignificant. It is in my service to others that I have value, and I am blessed more than most to be able to be of service every day. If these things make me "crazy" or " a bad person" or even just plain "Wrong" then I gladly accept these monikers. In the end I will be able to meet my Creator eye-to-eye and know that I have done well with the life It gave me.