Waiting To Die
I am afraid to sing in front of ANYONE! It doesn't matter who it is, really. The song (do I know I can do it well?) is what really matters most. The reason? It's the same reason I most fearful of this trip; People can't help judging one another.
That doesn't mean to say that all judgments are bad. Someone I am visiting disliked a poem I wrote; seems it was entirely to insightful in such a short time. This person has also since been observed putting some of my work with their "Important Papers". I cannot help but wonder what this person thinks at the fact that I have chosen to be so Public as a career? I am about to find out.
In fact, I am about to find out a great deal about what people think of me. People whose good opinion I crave, but I'm not certain it is for the right reasons. My perspective, however, does not matter. It is theirs that I seek. Actions speak loudly, especially when words are in short supply.
There are a lot of things in short supply, including understanding. I have been remiss, assuming Others have generally the same perspective as I have had. I have since learned to marvel in the differences between the extremes.
As well as learning that I am an extreme for many people.
I am extremely open. I am extremely honest. And I am extremely flawed. I am stubborn when committing to my personal priorities, and while that irritates those who think they are incorrectly ordered, it absolutely infuriates those who see how I actually practice what they wish they could. Or at least they say they believe in it, even if they do not themselves see their own conflict.
I live my life very much in public, and it is not easy for the people that I know. I understand why someone would want to detach themselves from someone like me. If it's not my loud opinions that are bothersome, it's the inconsistencies, or worse, the silence. It is not my mortality that is the problem, it is my humanity.
With a heart of yearning beyond anything I have known, I long to Share an Experience of Unconditional Love. I Understand-not everyOne has had the Benefit of My Experience-not everyOne knows what Unconditional Love is, or how to actually put it into action. In some way, shape, or form, I have fear from the places I am visiting. I have pain when I drive, which seems to be caused by an expectation that people are generally unkind, particularly when it's a stranger in a car. I know this Journey will Change Me and I do not have any clue yet how. I am afraid because people are generally thoughtless, and can hurt you even though they do not intend to do so.
Every time I step out my door, I do so in fear, and judgment of that fear. I expect no less from Others. By moving forward, I am moving through my fear. It may be my companion, but it is I who control the path.
That doesn't mean to say that all judgments are bad. Someone I am visiting disliked a poem I wrote; seems it was entirely to insightful in such a short time. This person has also since been observed putting some of my work with their "Important Papers". I cannot help but wonder what this person thinks at the fact that I have chosen to be so Public as a career? I am about to find out.
In fact, I am about to find out a great deal about what people think of me. People whose good opinion I crave, but I'm not certain it is for the right reasons. My perspective, however, does not matter. It is theirs that I seek. Actions speak loudly, especially when words are in short supply.
There are a lot of things in short supply, including understanding. I have been remiss, assuming Others have generally the same perspective as I have had. I have since learned to marvel in the differences between the extremes.
As well as learning that I am an extreme for many people.
I am extremely open. I am extremely honest. And I am extremely flawed. I am stubborn when committing to my personal priorities, and while that irritates those who think they are incorrectly ordered, it absolutely infuriates those who see how I actually practice what they wish they could. Or at least they say they believe in it, even if they do not themselves see their own conflict.
I live my life very much in public, and it is not easy for the people that I know. I understand why someone would want to detach themselves from someone like me. If it's not my loud opinions that are bothersome, it's the inconsistencies, or worse, the silence. It is not my mortality that is the problem, it is my humanity.
With a heart of yearning beyond anything I have known, I long to Share an Experience of Unconditional Love. I Understand-not everyOne has had the Benefit of My Experience-not everyOne knows what Unconditional Love is, or how to actually put it into action. In some way, shape, or form, I have fear from the places I am visiting. I have pain when I drive, which seems to be caused by an expectation that people are generally unkind, particularly when it's a stranger in a car. I know this Journey will Change Me and I do not have any clue yet how. I am afraid because people are generally thoughtless, and can hurt you even though they do not intend to do so.
Every time I step out my door, I do so in fear, and judgment of that fear. I expect no less from Others. By moving forward, I am moving through my fear. It may be my companion, but it is I who control the path.