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Fear Is the Mind Killer
I do not think there is much difference between PTSD fear and other kinds of fear, except maybe intensity and control. I grew up in an environment of great mental capacity. It is not so much that anyone was any smarter than anyone else, but the fact the brain was openly studied and discussed, gave me greater ability to control my mind, especially in matters of fear.
I have been raped more than once; the last time at gun point, so when I say I know my mind can do amazing things, you should not doubt me. Yesterday was an experience that felt every bit as horrible as that rape. Who else would compare an MRI to being raped at gun point? But I used the same technique to get through the situation and calm the trembling that was prolonging my agony. Thank you "Dune"! "I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer."
"Fear is the mind killer." This line continues to run through my brain as I look at my life and try to figure out how to progress. Fear seems to hold me back, and I find that unacceptable. I am not just an American, but a Deeter (and that makes me stubborn) and Eddy (and that makes me gritty) and I AM VENUS! There is no tennis player, bathing suit, razor or even goddess who can be better at being Venus than I am. There is no greater Venus!
And yet I allow fear to dictate what I can and cannot accomplish? Through yesterday's terror, I have come to understand-more than any drinking, smoking or drugs, fear kills my brain. In order to conquer fear, I allow my mind to slip into a trance that pulls me away from "the real world". In this state, I am only vaguely aware of outside influences, and keenly focused on the internal. The more distractions, the more focused, until I reach that point in which I am afraid I will not turn back.
because there is very little to keep me here. We live in a cruel world where people are selfish, even when it is not a matter of self-survival, and human priorities have made us a plague upon the Earth. As I age I see things getting worse all around me, not better. I will not participate in such a place.
But I will participate in something better; a Greater Good that I believe in! It has nothing to do with this incarnation of "daily grind" and everything to do with possibilities. The only thing I fear about everyday life, is that it will continue to remind me that my fight to make this existence a better place is futile. When I watch the news, I am reminded that this world doesn't want to be a better place. When I am disappointed by people I love, I am made aware that most people don't care if this world is a better place.
But some do! And it is for those few that I understand I need to keep my mind safe. Keeping my mind safe is not just cloaking it in thoughts of hope, or even withdrawing from the wounds being inflicted. To keep my mind safe, I must balance my exposure to the outside world, with those internal journeys that show me what could be.
I could choose to conquer my fears by hardening my heart and soul against others, and treating them the way I expect they will treat me. Of course that contributes to the over-all problem. I could choose to cloud my vision and contribute to "the daily grind" thereby teaching others around me that there is nothing more important that conforming to the current machine. Of course that is precisely how the Nazis grew so large. I can draw on hate just as easily as I draw on compassion. If I did, what would that make me?
I'll tell you: it would make me something less than Venus. It would make me self-loathing. I realize most people (especially "professionals") would probably consider me suicidal/delusional. If there is no value (according to my personal standards) to this life, I do not want to participate. But I do believe there is value and that I can help lead the entire world to a better state of being. That sounds delusional even to me.
Really though, is it so bad to believe in oneself? When you have seen evidence of your individual impact on others, times and time again, and that impact has positive results in the lives of yet other with whom there has been nothing beyond the sharing of your ideas from a third party, you must acknowledge the possibility that one persona can indeed change the world. It takes one person, one time, in that one right moment. From that one, many can grow. This is logic, not delusion.
I do not think I live my life in fear. My mind is well; well enough to overcome those oddities that make me unique and individual. I have chosen a difficult lifestyle that allows me to cultivate the possibilities I see in this "real world" with the grace not just of the Creator, but the love that It has blessed me with; truly I am nothing without the support of those closest to me.
I live my life with great show of strength and humanity. It takes more from me to live according to my beliefs than it did to not kill myself through years of abuse and rapes. I am not perfect. I cannot always have a positive attitude, nor do I always make what seems to be the "right" choices. What choices I do make, I stand behind, even when the un-seen consequences try to crush my spirit. In those moments when I let the fallibility of my human being have precedence, I also have the strength to learn from the mistake and twist the outcome to something better.
It only seems that I live my life in fear. The truth is, I live in spite of fear. I am afraid I will be mis-understood. I am afraid I will be criticized. I am afraid people who loved me will not be able to love the truth of me. Mostly I am afraid that I will let the world once again bury the truth of me beneath the rubble of its hope.
But I am The Venus. I am The Taunta who lives with an open heart and a generous soul. I will teach the world to be a better place by living the example in spite of these difficulties. I will teach you how to turn these difficulties into an existence of value.
I have been raped more than once; the last time at gun point, so when I say I know my mind can do amazing things, you should not doubt me. Yesterday was an experience that felt every bit as horrible as that rape. Who else would compare an MRI to being raped at gun point? But I used the same technique to get through the situation and calm the trembling that was prolonging my agony. Thank you "Dune"! "I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer."
"Fear is the mind killer." This line continues to run through my brain as I look at my life and try to figure out how to progress. Fear seems to hold me back, and I find that unacceptable. I am not just an American, but a Deeter (and that makes me stubborn) and Eddy (and that makes me gritty) and I AM VENUS! There is no tennis player, bathing suit, razor or even goddess who can be better at being Venus than I am. There is no greater Venus!
And yet I allow fear to dictate what I can and cannot accomplish? Through yesterday's terror, I have come to understand-more than any drinking, smoking or drugs, fear kills my brain. In order to conquer fear, I allow my mind to slip into a trance that pulls me away from "the real world". In this state, I am only vaguely aware of outside influences, and keenly focused on the internal. The more distractions, the more focused, until I reach that point in which I am afraid I will not turn back.
because there is very little to keep me here. We live in a cruel world where people are selfish, even when it is not a matter of self-survival, and human priorities have made us a plague upon the Earth. As I age I see things getting worse all around me, not better. I will not participate in such a place.
But I will participate in something better; a Greater Good that I believe in! It has nothing to do with this incarnation of "daily grind" and everything to do with possibilities. The only thing I fear about everyday life, is that it will continue to remind me that my fight to make this existence a better place is futile. When I watch the news, I am reminded that this world doesn't want to be a better place. When I am disappointed by people I love, I am made aware that most people don't care if this world is a better place.
But some do! And it is for those few that I understand I need to keep my mind safe. Keeping my mind safe is not just cloaking it in thoughts of hope, or even withdrawing from the wounds being inflicted. To keep my mind safe, I must balance my exposure to the outside world, with those internal journeys that show me what could be.
I could choose to conquer my fears by hardening my heart and soul against others, and treating them the way I expect they will treat me. Of course that contributes to the over-all problem. I could choose to cloud my vision and contribute to "the daily grind" thereby teaching others around me that there is nothing more important that conforming to the current machine. Of course that is precisely how the Nazis grew so large. I can draw on hate just as easily as I draw on compassion. If I did, what would that make me?
I'll tell you: it would make me something less than Venus. It would make me self-loathing. I realize most people (especially "professionals") would probably consider me suicidal/delusional. If there is no value (according to my personal standards) to this life, I do not want to participate. But I do believe there is value and that I can help lead the entire world to a better state of being. That sounds delusional even to me.
Really though, is it so bad to believe in oneself? When you have seen evidence of your individual impact on others, times and time again, and that impact has positive results in the lives of yet other with whom there has been nothing beyond the sharing of your ideas from a third party, you must acknowledge the possibility that one persona can indeed change the world. It takes one person, one time, in that one right moment. From that one, many can grow. This is logic, not delusion.
I do not think I live my life in fear. My mind is well; well enough to overcome those oddities that make me unique and individual. I have chosen a difficult lifestyle that allows me to cultivate the possibilities I see in this "real world" with the grace not just of the Creator, but the love that It has blessed me with; truly I am nothing without the support of those closest to me.
I live my life with great show of strength and humanity. It takes more from me to live according to my beliefs than it did to not kill myself through years of abuse and rapes. I am not perfect. I cannot always have a positive attitude, nor do I always make what seems to be the "right" choices. What choices I do make, I stand behind, even when the un-seen consequences try to crush my spirit. In those moments when I let the fallibility of my human being have precedence, I also have the strength to learn from the mistake and twist the outcome to something better.
It only seems that I live my life in fear. The truth is, I live in spite of fear. I am afraid I will be mis-understood. I am afraid I will be criticized. I am afraid people who loved me will not be able to love the truth of me. Mostly I am afraid that I will let the world once again bury the truth of me beneath the rubble of its hope.
But I am The Venus. I am The Taunta who lives with an open heart and a generous soul. I will teach the world to be a better place by living the example in spite of these difficulties. I will teach you how to turn these difficulties into an existence of value.