Click here to Introduction
Simple Accaptance
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a few years ago, after nearly two years of unexplained pain. That's not the beginning though.
I am psychologically unbalanced; like most people. Unlike most people, I am acutely aware of my reactions, as well as the reactions of others. Because I am not only exceptionally tuned in emotionally, but have had an unusual upbringing in which life was treated as an experiment, I am overly observant. Previously, I reacted to things I did not understand, and tended towards hopefulness and helpfulness in situations that did not warrant it.
Things were not perfect, but we had been able to show a profit in our small business. In spite of being in a small Appalachian town, our lingerie store not just doing well, but helping us do well for the community we loved. It was still a bit too far away from home, as we discovered when Grandpa got ill. I did not mind coming home; I always knew I would. We were raised to take care of our own. I was also raised with an odd perspective of death, so losing Grandpa, though it was difficult, was not the end of the world, nor the beginning of my pain.
It did contribute, as we struggled with Grandma's deteriorating health and our ability to care for her, balanced against our upbringing. Although we were raised that it was nearly sinful to put a family member "in a home", we were discovering that Grandma was going to have to go someplace with more in depth care. This is where the pain started.
Finding a job in a bad economy is not easy and I had two part time jobs, plus the care of Grandma. Still, we were beginning to find our rhythm until my primary job was not receiving expected returns, although my work was exceptional. Poor health and a poor economy makes a significant impact in one's income when they work in the real estate industry.
I was first diagnosed with Shingles, which took place after the first problem check. Subsequent pain was thought to be a result of the dual-sided Shingles, but, although the rash and sensitive spots left, specific other pains were getting worse. I had overcome Migraine headaches in my early 20's, so I have been no stranger to pain. The worst headache I got had me beating my head against the ground. That's sort of how I felt about the pain in my side.
Of course during this process, it is important to know that I do not, nor have not had, health insurance. We could no longer afford to keep Grandma, and my health wouldn't allow it, so she went to Dad's. My medical expenses kept rising, and we were getting no answers. My pay was also continuing to have problems, and my supervisor at my secondary job was quite insensitive. Neither boss cared that I was lying on the couch thinking that there was no way I was going to live with that kind of pain for the rest of my life.
It didn't matter if I was still or if I moved. I went from bed to the couch, where I spent my day in tears wondering how I was going to accomplish anything if I couldn't figure out what was causing this pain. My legs were sensitive, I couldn't wear much of anything because of the pain of being touched. Then I lost my mind.
Tests showed there was no reason for the pain, so we tried medications that chemically altered the thought process. Some of them would lower the pain enough for me to try to function, but I still couldn't manage without too many pain pills. The only people whose touch I could stand was the children, and even when they got rough, the pain was different and tolerable. If their parents' shook my hand, my entire body was usually in pain so terrible, I felt on the edge of actually throwing up. Nausea by then was a part of my existence.
So I went to a pain specialist. My General Practitioner seemed excited about it; he was sure I had fibromyalgia, and this specialist also had it. That sounded great to me-to be treated by someone with that disorder. Apparently there are sets of pain spots which, when pushed, causes pain. There are nearly 20 of them, but apparently if the first 6 spark, the rest are not checked, and you are diagnosed. Had I known that, and where he was going to push, I could have told him those spots have hurt for ages! I am still not certain that anyone might have hurt in such spots when that much pressure was applied.
Still I was so grateful to have a name to associate with my pain, I couldn't help but feel better. The relief was so intense, I sat in my car for several minutes just crying. Then I started taking the medication the Pain Specialist prescribed. Yes, the pain seemed much better right away, but it was still pretty intense. Then my thoughts really started wondering.
Whereas it was true that I thought about killing myself when we didn't know why I was in so much pain, I only wanted to end the pain, not to die. It wasn't very long after the medication change that I simply wanted to die. I had created all this debt, and apparently would be in pain for the rest of my life, and my dreams were crumbling at my feet, and my husband couldn't possibly be happy with me, blah, blah blah! Most of it was true, but the direction my thoughts went in, were not mine to control.
This is important. If your thoughts are beyond your control, your actions are soon to follow. Although the co-worker I yelled at needed to be told her behavior was inappropriate, it didn't need to be done in an inappropriate way. Fortunately I was on my way out-of-town where we discovered the change in my anxiety with the change of atmosphere. When we returned, so did the heightened state of anxiety. Something was not right, but I didn't know what.
I made an appointment with my Pain Specialist, who told me to decrease the medication by half, then gradually increase it to triple the dosage, and he'd see me in 6 months. Since I have no insurance, I do not have the money for the lawyer. Since I did not actually attempt suicide, but instead contacted my GP, who immediately took my off the new medication and prescribed a mild sedative with 24/7 supervision, I am also not eligible for the class-action lawsuit.
I am, however, grateful that I had the opportunity to see a therapist who, as well as my GP, realized that the medication was changing my personality and that I needed to be in a free environment while it left my system, not locked up in a hospital. Unfortunately, the people at the only kind of place I could afford for the outpatient counseling I needed to get through it, is also the kind of place where police take prisoners who are out of control. The individuals working at the particular location were also not exceptionally skilled at their jobs, nor were they willing to call my therapist nor GP. The details of that experience can be read here: http://tauntabeanie.weebly.com/escape-from-netcare.html
Because I am who I am, and tend towards positivity, I have been able to overcome that experience by allowing it to teach me more about myself and to become a motivator to better things. Because of the one medication that took away my ability to control my own thinking, I have eliminated all my "take daily" medications. If I need to take something, and it is something I have taken before, then I will take it. My goal is to eliminate all prescriptions.
It is not just the one medication that makes this my goal. Previously, what I thought was arthritis pain (as diagnosed by a doctor) was increasing in intensity, and I had reached the maximum dosage. If I forgot to take the pill, I was in tears when I woke up. The pain in my side overshadowed the joint pains, but there were still days when I couldn't brush my teeth well because my wrists hurt so bad. I ran out of that medication about 6 months ago now. The only pains I have are from tendinitis in my shoulder, and the low back, whereas before it was my wrists, elbows, hips, knees, ankles and even feet.
Because of the intensity of what I experienced at NetCare, I stopped interacting with anyone except my husband. Eventually I spread out my interactions with others, ironically with the help of strangers on FaceBook and those silly games. The computer has been an excellent way to interact with others while keeping my pain in check.
Most significantly, I keep my Fibromyalgia controlled by controlling my interactions with others, and being OK with doing so! I was an exceptionally shy child who forced herself to be a social butterfly. This goes against my nature. It is possible that the demands of current society is the cause of so much pain. It is the natural way of humans to adapt to their current circumstances. We have been taught to make a career the center of our lives, even identifying ourselves by our jobs. My GP said to me when this all began, "Maybe not everyone is supposed to work outside of the home. You know, it's OK to be a housewife."
By today's standards, "to be a good housewife" is to bring in an income while maintaining the home. That is true of all partners, because, as a society, we have made our financial situation the basis of our security. As one who has lost emotional security, I am here to inform you money may be helpful, but it is not everything. My pain was caused primarily by money. When conversations about finances arise, I have to leave the room; within 15 minutes I am ready to vomit because of the pain in my side.
It is not just money issues that cause my pain to return. As soon as I leave my driveway, the pain in my side emerges. It recedes once I am out of the city, and it stays at a tolerable level as long as I am out-of-doors. I have even participated in massive crowds without intolerable pain, but they have been outside. The few times I have been in crowded rooms, it has been with people who know what is going on, and they understand when I head for the door in a rush. Well, as much as someone on the outside can understand. I have even begun to go to specific types of restaurants, as well as take some significant road trips without excessive pain.
The constants are indoors or out-of-doors, and how many people are around. The variable is the amount of pain in my side. If I do not force interaction, I do not have pain, even without traditional medication. Therefore, I have found another potential resolution to Fibromyalgia.
It's a much more difficult resolution than taking a pill, even without insurance. I may know that, by accepting my non-social behavior as my natural state of being, I am resolving problems, but others do not see the resolutions, because of "the plank in their eye"; I do not bring in an income, and am in fact costing, so what I consider a resolution is actually a problem. Fortunately I do not accept that my personal worth lies in the value of my income.
I am not anyone's idea of "normal", nor am I really that different. We all have some kind of issue we are dealing with. We all have something from our past that affects the way we make decisions, and we are all impacted by the standards of the society in which we grew up. The difference is, I not only question these things, but I am not afraid to stand alone against the standards. I accept that not everyone has the ability to do so; I have been blessed beyond anything I could possibly deserve in the Klan that cares for me. This family both of DNA, but primarily of choosing have been present and accounted for as I have undergone this journey of change. Hopefully this change is not just a personal resolution, but it may be a social revolution.
I am psychologically unbalanced; like most people. Unlike most people, I am acutely aware of my reactions, as well as the reactions of others. Because I am not only exceptionally tuned in emotionally, but have had an unusual upbringing in which life was treated as an experiment, I am overly observant. Previously, I reacted to things I did not understand, and tended towards hopefulness and helpfulness in situations that did not warrant it.
Things were not perfect, but we had been able to show a profit in our small business. In spite of being in a small Appalachian town, our lingerie store not just doing well, but helping us do well for the community we loved. It was still a bit too far away from home, as we discovered when Grandpa got ill. I did not mind coming home; I always knew I would. We were raised to take care of our own. I was also raised with an odd perspective of death, so losing Grandpa, though it was difficult, was not the end of the world, nor the beginning of my pain.
It did contribute, as we struggled with Grandma's deteriorating health and our ability to care for her, balanced against our upbringing. Although we were raised that it was nearly sinful to put a family member "in a home", we were discovering that Grandma was going to have to go someplace with more in depth care. This is where the pain started.
Finding a job in a bad economy is not easy and I had two part time jobs, plus the care of Grandma. Still, we were beginning to find our rhythm until my primary job was not receiving expected returns, although my work was exceptional. Poor health and a poor economy makes a significant impact in one's income when they work in the real estate industry.
I was first diagnosed with Shingles, which took place after the first problem check. Subsequent pain was thought to be a result of the dual-sided Shingles, but, although the rash and sensitive spots left, specific other pains were getting worse. I had overcome Migraine headaches in my early 20's, so I have been no stranger to pain. The worst headache I got had me beating my head against the ground. That's sort of how I felt about the pain in my side.
Of course during this process, it is important to know that I do not, nor have not had, health insurance. We could no longer afford to keep Grandma, and my health wouldn't allow it, so she went to Dad's. My medical expenses kept rising, and we were getting no answers. My pay was also continuing to have problems, and my supervisor at my secondary job was quite insensitive. Neither boss cared that I was lying on the couch thinking that there was no way I was going to live with that kind of pain for the rest of my life.
It didn't matter if I was still or if I moved. I went from bed to the couch, where I spent my day in tears wondering how I was going to accomplish anything if I couldn't figure out what was causing this pain. My legs were sensitive, I couldn't wear much of anything because of the pain of being touched. Then I lost my mind.
Tests showed there was no reason for the pain, so we tried medications that chemically altered the thought process. Some of them would lower the pain enough for me to try to function, but I still couldn't manage without too many pain pills. The only people whose touch I could stand was the children, and even when they got rough, the pain was different and tolerable. If their parents' shook my hand, my entire body was usually in pain so terrible, I felt on the edge of actually throwing up. Nausea by then was a part of my existence.
So I went to a pain specialist. My General Practitioner seemed excited about it; he was sure I had fibromyalgia, and this specialist also had it. That sounded great to me-to be treated by someone with that disorder. Apparently there are sets of pain spots which, when pushed, causes pain. There are nearly 20 of them, but apparently if the first 6 spark, the rest are not checked, and you are diagnosed. Had I known that, and where he was going to push, I could have told him those spots have hurt for ages! I am still not certain that anyone might have hurt in such spots when that much pressure was applied.
Still I was so grateful to have a name to associate with my pain, I couldn't help but feel better. The relief was so intense, I sat in my car for several minutes just crying. Then I started taking the medication the Pain Specialist prescribed. Yes, the pain seemed much better right away, but it was still pretty intense. Then my thoughts really started wondering.
Whereas it was true that I thought about killing myself when we didn't know why I was in so much pain, I only wanted to end the pain, not to die. It wasn't very long after the medication change that I simply wanted to die. I had created all this debt, and apparently would be in pain for the rest of my life, and my dreams were crumbling at my feet, and my husband couldn't possibly be happy with me, blah, blah blah! Most of it was true, but the direction my thoughts went in, were not mine to control.
This is important. If your thoughts are beyond your control, your actions are soon to follow. Although the co-worker I yelled at needed to be told her behavior was inappropriate, it didn't need to be done in an inappropriate way. Fortunately I was on my way out-of-town where we discovered the change in my anxiety with the change of atmosphere. When we returned, so did the heightened state of anxiety. Something was not right, but I didn't know what.
I made an appointment with my Pain Specialist, who told me to decrease the medication by half, then gradually increase it to triple the dosage, and he'd see me in 6 months. Since I have no insurance, I do not have the money for the lawyer. Since I did not actually attempt suicide, but instead contacted my GP, who immediately took my off the new medication and prescribed a mild sedative with 24/7 supervision, I am also not eligible for the class-action lawsuit.
I am, however, grateful that I had the opportunity to see a therapist who, as well as my GP, realized that the medication was changing my personality and that I needed to be in a free environment while it left my system, not locked up in a hospital. Unfortunately, the people at the only kind of place I could afford for the outpatient counseling I needed to get through it, is also the kind of place where police take prisoners who are out of control. The individuals working at the particular location were also not exceptionally skilled at their jobs, nor were they willing to call my therapist nor GP. The details of that experience can be read here: http://tauntabeanie.weebly.com/escape-from-netcare.html
Because I am who I am, and tend towards positivity, I have been able to overcome that experience by allowing it to teach me more about myself and to become a motivator to better things. Because of the one medication that took away my ability to control my own thinking, I have eliminated all my "take daily" medications. If I need to take something, and it is something I have taken before, then I will take it. My goal is to eliminate all prescriptions.
It is not just the one medication that makes this my goal. Previously, what I thought was arthritis pain (as diagnosed by a doctor) was increasing in intensity, and I had reached the maximum dosage. If I forgot to take the pill, I was in tears when I woke up. The pain in my side overshadowed the joint pains, but there were still days when I couldn't brush my teeth well because my wrists hurt so bad. I ran out of that medication about 6 months ago now. The only pains I have are from tendinitis in my shoulder, and the low back, whereas before it was my wrists, elbows, hips, knees, ankles and even feet.
Because of the intensity of what I experienced at NetCare, I stopped interacting with anyone except my husband. Eventually I spread out my interactions with others, ironically with the help of strangers on FaceBook and those silly games. The computer has been an excellent way to interact with others while keeping my pain in check.
Most significantly, I keep my Fibromyalgia controlled by controlling my interactions with others, and being OK with doing so! I was an exceptionally shy child who forced herself to be a social butterfly. This goes against my nature. It is possible that the demands of current society is the cause of so much pain. It is the natural way of humans to adapt to their current circumstances. We have been taught to make a career the center of our lives, even identifying ourselves by our jobs. My GP said to me when this all began, "Maybe not everyone is supposed to work outside of the home. You know, it's OK to be a housewife."
By today's standards, "to be a good housewife" is to bring in an income while maintaining the home. That is true of all partners, because, as a society, we have made our financial situation the basis of our security. As one who has lost emotional security, I am here to inform you money may be helpful, but it is not everything. My pain was caused primarily by money. When conversations about finances arise, I have to leave the room; within 15 minutes I am ready to vomit because of the pain in my side.
It is not just money issues that cause my pain to return. As soon as I leave my driveway, the pain in my side emerges. It recedes once I am out of the city, and it stays at a tolerable level as long as I am out-of-doors. I have even participated in massive crowds without intolerable pain, but they have been outside. The few times I have been in crowded rooms, it has been with people who know what is going on, and they understand when I head for the door in a rush. Well, as much as someone on the outside can understand. I have even begun to go to specific types of restaurants, as well as take some significant road trips without excessive pain.
The constants are indoors or out-of-doors, and how many people are around. The variable is the amount of pain in my side. If I do not force interaction, I do not have pain, even without traditional medication. Therefore, I have found another potential resolution to Fibromyalgia.
It's a much more difficult resolution than taking a pill, even without insurance. I may know that, by accepting my non-social behavior as my natural state of being, I am resolving problems, but others do not see the resolutions, because of "the plank in their eye"; I do not bring in an income, and am in fact costing, so what I consider a resolution is actually a problem. Fortunately I do not accept that my personal worth lies in the value of my income.
I am not anyone's idea of "normal", nor am I really that different. We all have some kind of issue we are dealing with. We all have something from our past that affects the way we make decisions, and we are all impacted by the standards of the society in which we grew up. The difference is, I not only question these things, but I am not afraid to stand alone against the standards. I accept that not everyone has the ability to do so; I have been blessed beyond anything I could possibly deserve in the Klan that cares for me. This family both of DNA, but primarily of choosing have been present and accounted for as I have undergone this journey of change. Hopefully this change is not just a personal resolution, but it may be a social revolution.