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Unconditional Love
I don't know why I am always surprised to learn that a person does not understand unconditional love. I learned the hard way that, not only do people experience life very differently from one another, but that we do not even agree on definitions. Maybe it's because I am quite sure I am not the only one who means it when I say "I love you."
Perhaps it is because my experience has been so different that I only tell someone I love them when I mean unconditionally. Those who have watched my life have seen certain relationships where they do not understand the possibilities for continuance, yet these bonds never break. I have known that I put myself out more often for those whom I love than most people do. It's a "fault" I bear with a joyous heart. It's the way I was raised to be, and I am in agreement with it.
That's probably why I feel so deeply the impact of the shock to learn that what I thought was mutually unconditional love, is only one sided. That impact may also be why I currently feel like there are a lot less people who truly love unconditionally, than those who say "I love you," and mean "I love what I want you to be."
We have all known those people who are only around when all is well. Wanting to participate only in the celebrations, they are like those who only love you when you are strong. Weaknesses and life's drama are not suitable in these relationships. Whatever their words may be, their actions reveal the truth of the "fair weather friends" who unable to be found should you have needs.
Then there are other people who are only around when you are in need. They seem like a great friend, and yet when things are going well, they are nowhere to be seen. These "foul weather friends" need to be needed, which may not be a bad thing unless they also criticize your accomplishments and keep you from being that something more. They don't want you to succeed, because if you do, you will no longer need them. I have friends for whom I specifically try to be there when I think they will need someone. I hope they do not think of me as a "foul weather friend" because I would love to share in the revelry of their successes. Good friends do both.
There are others for whom this current experience has become so difficult that their survival has made them selfish. One must be self-focused in order to make their proper choices in each moment, but this is not the same as being self-centered. In our healing process we can often exclude others out of a need to survive the current catastrophe. Isolation has become my personal savior, but I make a conscientious effort to assist my loved ones in need, if only to remind them that I love them in spite of my indulgence. "Right" or "wrong", I value my self-worth in terms of how I help others, so my perspective is surly biased.
There are many more than I knew who cannot suffer conflict in love. These are the people who walk away or shun you in their anger. Not the ones who have to leave shared space before they say something they will regret, but the ones who do not value the relationship enough to regret. They may remain polite, but, rather than suffer argument, they keep their disagreement to themselves, as well as all their thoughts once shared, cutting you with their exclusions. I have sorrowed for some who have walked away, more than anyone should survive. But I have a faith and understanding greater than most others.
Arguments and disagreement do not have to mean the love and support stop. We do not even need to understand one another in order to love one another. Maybe you did not know that you could be disappointed in me and still love and respect me. It's much harder, of course, but it is possible. Working through the impossible is rather what unconditional love was about, or that is, at least, my understanding of it.
On days like this, I will continue to allow you break my soul with the sorrows of the shame you lay on my shoulders; I do not bear this mantle alone. I have made the best choices I could in each moment, being true to the person I want to be. I have not, and will no conform to a life that is in conflict with my beliefs. If this means you cannot love me, that is your choice to make; just as it is my choice to continue to love you through your anger and my disappointment. When you need me, I am still here, though you must forgive me if I sit alone to cry.
Perhaps it is because my experience has been so different that I only tell someone I love them when I mean unconditionally. Those who have watched my life have seen certain relationships where they do not understand the possibilities for continuance, yet these bonds never break. I have known that I put myself out more often for those whom I love than most people do. It's a "fault" I bear with a joyous heart. It's the way I was raised to be, and I am in agreement with it.
That's probably why I feel so deeply the impact of the shock to learn that what I thought was mutually unconditional love, is only one sided. That impact may also be why I currently feel like there are a lot less people who truly love unconditionally, than those who say "I love you," and mean "I love what I want you to be."
We have all known those people who are only around when all is well. Wanting to participate only in the celebrations, they are like those who only love you when you are strong. Weaknesses and life's drama are not suitable in these relationships. Whatever their words may be, their actions reveal the truth of the "fair weather friends" who unable to be found should you have needs.
Then there are other people who are only around when you are in need. They seem like a great friend, and yet when things are going well, they are nowhere to be seen. These "foul weather friends" need to be needed, which may not be a bad thing unless they also criticize your accomplishments and keep you from being that something more. They don't want you to succeed, because if you do, you will no longer need them. I have friends for whom I specifically try to be there when I think they will need someone. I hope they do not think of me as a "foul weather friend" because I would love to share in the revelry of their successes. Good friends do both.
There are others for whom this current experience has become so difficult that their survival has made them selfish. One must be self-focused in order to make their proper choices in each moment, but this is not the same as being self-centered. In our healing process we can often exclude others out of a need to survive the current catastrophe. Isolation has become my personal savior, but I make a conscientious effort to assist my loved ones in need, if only to remind them that I love them in spite of my indulgence. "Right" or "wrong", I value my self-worth in terms of how I help others, so my perspective is surly biased.
There are many more than I knew who cannot suffer conflict in love. These are the people who walk away or shun you in their anger. Not the ones who have to leave shared space before they say something they will regret, but the ones who do not value the relationship enough to regret. They may remain polite, but, rather than suffer argument, they keep their disagreement to themselves, as well as all their thoughts once shared, cutting you with their exclusions. I have sorrowed for some who have walked away, more than anyone should survive. But I have a faith and understanding greater than most others.
Arguments and disagreement do not have to mean the love and support stop. We do not even need to understand one another in order to love one another. Maybe you did not know that you could be disappointed in me and still love and respect me. It's much harder, of course, but it is possible. Working through the impossible is rather what unconditional love was about, or that is, at least, my understanding of it.
On days like this, I will continue to allow you break my soul with the sorrows of the shame you lay on my shoulders; I do not bear this mantle alone. I have made the best choices I could in each moment, being true to the person I want to be. I have not, and will no conform to a life that is in conflict with my beliefs. If this means you cannot love me, that is your choice to make; just as it is my choice to continue to love you through your anger and my disappointment. When you need me, I am still here, though you must forgive me if I sit alone to cry.