Click here to Introduction
An Explanation
I accept the fact that my current situation is pretty much my fault.
I am the one who is having difficulties that, although there are incredible exceptions, people are basically crappy to one another, and I feel compelled to either be unreasonably kind or just kill them. I also accept that I can dope myself up, and resolve this situation risking the pain that makes me want to kill myself, or the uncontrolled thoughts that lead me to wanting to kill myself. Maybe I am of no value to other people unless I conform to their standards; say what they will, people want you to be and do very specific things, using their actions to clarify.
Before you judge, you need to understand that he does everything he can to pay the bills, and I do everything I can to provide the groceries. I have faced down my phobia ALONE in order to not disturb the lives of other people, and I have been rejected in the process. I have stepped outside of my personal morals, to have my phobias CONFIRMED! And I am still going.
I REFUSE to conform to your standards. I have a higher Authority to answer to. It doesn't take gun fire to make a soldier. It doesn't take death make a trauma. It only takes YOU.
I REFUSE to accept defeat. Just because I have to struggle through each day, does not make me any less than you. We all have our struggles, mine are just different, just as are my strengths. When you have thought you were defeated, I did not turn away, but held you up until you found your own feet. I had faith in your value as another being, even knowing your weaknesses. Why do you add to the burden of mine?
I REFUSE to accept that you know what you are doing. You would not seek to add to my burden, even if you would avoid relieving it. I understand that you want me to be "on my own" as any nurturing mentor would do. I have always known that you and I understand all of this in very different ways. I realize you don't know what all love can be.
Neither can I. No amount of disappointment has taught me that love can be disappointing. Maybe that's why I can look at my husband, knowing we are not bringing in enough money to pay the bills, and still be happy. When I said "for richer or for poorer", I expected it to be more "for poorer" than "for richer", but I never expected it to be this bad. In spite of my fears, I still BELIEVE that all this is worth it. And it amazes me, because this has been the hardest day I have had in months.
You need to understand that that is partly because of you. "Right" or "wrong" you have that kind of impact in my life. It's what I gave you when I made you my "friend". It's part of "caring". Yes, I extend myself way too far, but, to deferring degrees, I DO genuinely care about everyone. I think that is part of making this a better existence, which is what I live to do; one person at a time.
That means you. You, an individual to whom I have given the ability to influence my very being, undoubtedly more than I should. "Professionals" say that only I have the ability to control what I feel, but I don't think they understand "empathy". This is what really connects us. This is what causes us to care for strangers, thinking "How would I want my loved one cared for if I was not there to do it." Then I get disappointed when I see that that same "loved one" does not care for me when they ARE there to do it, and I am deeply disappointed.
You cannot possibly know how much or even when I am hurting, because you are so far away. The other side of the room, or the other side of the world doesn't matter. I am here. I don't understand this, and I don't know what's next. What I do know is that I will continue to love and believe that there is something more to this than my pain.
I am the one who is having difficulties that, although there are incredible exceptions, people are basically crappy to one another, and I feel compelled to either be unreasonably kind or just kill them. I also accept that I can dope myself up, and resolve this situation risking the pain that makes me want to kill myself, or the uncontrolled thoughts that lead me to wanting to kill myself. Maybe I am of no value to other people unless I conform to their standards; say what they will, people want you to be and do very specific things, using their actions to clarify.
Before you judge, you need to understand that he does everything he can to pay the bills, and I do everything I can to provide the groceries. I have faced down my phobia ALONE in order to not disturb the lives of other people, and I have been rejected in the process. I have stepped outside of my personal morals, to have my phobias CONFIRMED! And I am still going.
I REFUSE to conform to your standards. I have a higher Authority to answer to. It doesn't take gun fire to make a soldier. It doesn't take death make a trauma. It only takes YOU.
I REFUSE to accept defeat. Just because I have to struggle through each day, does not make me any less than you. We all have our struggles, mine are just different, just as are my strengths. When you have thought you were defeated, I did not turn away, but held you up until you found your own feet. I had faith in your value as another being, even knowing your weaknesses. Why do you add to the burden of mine?
I REFUSE to accept that you know what you are doing. You would not seek to add to my burden, even if you would avoid relieving it. I understand that you want me to be "on my own" as any nurturing mentor would do. I have always known that you and I understand all of this in very different ways. I realize you don't know what all love can be.
Neither can I. No amount of disappointment has taught me that love can be disappointing. Maybe that's why I can look at my husband, knowing we are not bringing in enough money to pay the bills, and still be happy. When I said "for richer or for poorer", I expected it to be more "for poorer" than "for richer", but I never expected it to be this bad. In spite of my fears, I still BELIEVE that all this is worth it. And it amazes me, because this has been the hardest day I have had in months.
You need to understand that that is partly because of you. "Right" or "wrong" you have that kind of impact in my life. It's what I gave you when I made you my "friend". It's part of "caring". Yes, I extend myself way too far, but, to deferring degrees, I DO genuinely care about everyone. I think that is part of making this a better existence, which is what I live to do; one person at a time.
That means you. You, an individual to whom I have given the ability to influence my very being, undoubtedly more than I should. "Professionals" say that only I have the ability to control what I feel, but I don't think they understand "empathy". This is what really connects us. This is what causes us to care for strangers, thinking "How would I want my loved one cared for if I was not there to do it." Then I get disappointed when I see that that same "loved one" does not care for me when they ARE there to do it, and I am deeply disappointed.
You cannot possibly know how much or even when I am hurting, because you are so far away. The other side of the room, or the other side of the world doesn't matter. I am here. I don't understand this, and I don't know what's next. What I do know is that I will continue to love and believe that there is something more to this than my pain.