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Parental Pride
Today is not the best of days. Maybe it is the headache I woke up with. Maybe it is because of the political rhetoric caused by the inappropriate behavior of a frustrated individual. Maybe it is natural disasters and unusual patterns being ignored by a worldwide population. Maybe it is just that I have neither the heath to accomplish necessary goals, nor the money to afford assistance. Maybe I am just overwhelmed.
Part of me thinks it best to just cancel today's plans and attempt to accomplish more in my immediate area as I progress with a move that has taken over six months to get to a state where my house is un-cleanable. This is not a good point from which to move forward for someone who requires at least a sense of order. I could stay here and try to recapture order in this space at least. Then I will have a foundation from which to move forward.
But I made a commitment to someone else. I can take the medications I hate to ensure my ability to maintain control over the extremes that make my heart race and my hands shake and push forward. Just in the actions of advancing, maybe I will break this spell.
Because that is exactly what it feels like: I am under some spell of miasma that burdens every breath. Even the words, which usually flow so freely, stick somewhere between my heart and my hands. Words which heal me, at this moment I find distressing. People who are encouraging, at this moment I feel are a heavier burden than I can bear.
I am ill. Although I have been in and out of various physical difficulties such as a bought of flu, this illness is simply a darkness that binds my spirit and affects my body. I would cry, but that would be distressing to others, so I will wait. I will breath. I will maintain, until I am alone again when I can release, and know that I can let this darkness pass through me and take away the shadows something has imprinted on my spirit, leaving behind a refreshed and cleansed being.
A shower, tears, and maybe even screams of anguish captured by a pillow. A visit to a grave, where pure understanding resides, and then, only then, will I concede to chemical resolutions and the forward momentum they force through. I will survive this day, and it will be fruitful, if only for the span of a single breath. This pain and darkness will not defeat me; I thrive in a challenge.
Part of me thinks it best to just cancel today's plans and attempt to accomplish more in my immediate area as I progress with a move that has taken over six months to get to a state where my house is un-cleanable. This is not a good point from which to move forward for someone who requires at least a sense of order. I could stay here and try to recapture order in this space at least. Then I will have a foundation from which to move forward.
But I made a commitment to someone else. I can take the medications I hate to ensure my ability to maintain control over the extremes that make my heart race and my hands shake and push forward. Just in the actions of advancing, maybe I will break this spell.
Because that is exactly what it feels like: I am under some spell of miasma that burdens every breath. Even the words, which usually flow so freely, stick somewhere between my heart and my hands. Words which heal me, at this moment I find distressing. People who are encouraging, at this moment I feel are a heavier burden than I can bear.
I am ill. Although I have been in and out of various physical difficulties such as a bought of flu, this illness is simply a darkness that binds my spirit and affects my body. I would cry, but that would be distressing to others, so I will wait. I will breath. I will maintain, until I am alone again when I can release, and know that I can let this darkness pass through me and take away the shadows something has imprinted on my spirit, leaving behind a refreshed and cleansed being.
A shower, tears, and maybe even screams of anguish captured by a pillow. A visit to a grave, where pure understanding resides, and then, only then, will I concede to chemical resolutions and the forward momentum they force through. I will survive this day, and it will be fruitful, if only for the span of a single breath. This pain and darkness will not defeat me; I thrive in a challenge.