Alone Need Not Be Lonely
As a young child, I watched my grandparents, and I thought that was the direction all lives should head. We are all supposed to partner up with that perfect someone, so we could live happily ever after. As I grew, the books I read continued that idea; in fact, all forms of media were encouraging me to be this or do that so I could find the perfect mate. Even those who were not into "forever" seemed to at least be calling for a partner "for now".
I spent all of my high school years and my early twenties attempting to be the kind of woman a partner would want. I was also compiling a list of what I required in a partner. The end result was, neither what I was nor what I expected was close to accurate. That means I wasted an awful lot of time.
Instead of wishing I was out on a date, I could have been enjoying an outing with a friend. Instead of taking up hobbies that would attract a partner, I could have been trying to figure out what I wanted my life to represent. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things a bit differently. I never thought I'd say that.
As much as I love and appreciate my partner, I now understand I do not need a partner. My life would be horribly different, but I would have figured out a way to survive; I have a great Klan who loves me. No one individual can fulfill all my needs, but when I have a need, several people step in to do what they can, and I get through the moment. This does not denigrate my marriage at all; it simply opens my eyes to the blessings I have.
These blessings often share their stories with me. Even when they don't have words, I see more than most. For example, I had my own daemons to exorcise when Grandpa died, but I also watched how Grandma processed it. As we all worried about how she would continue after such a loss, she spoke to me, ever revealing conversations that gave me even greater insight to what I had observed as a child. I am still amazed at her ability to deal with such a loss, and it has been several years.
I think about this as I listen to my single friends, and I ache for them. To be in a partnership means one must expect the end of that partnership. It is very rare that loved ones die together. I got married with the expectations that I would eventually be left alone. Actually, I entered into the relationship expecting it to not last. Endings are part of life. Staying single is one way to avoid certain partings.
But it does not matter if you are in a committed partnership or not, you can still feel lonely. Loneliness has nothing to do with who shares your bed at night, and everything to do with how you feel about yourself. Yes, there can be a certain hollowness to a moment, when the world is too quiet, and you wonder if there's anyone even thinking about you.
So you start sifting through that mental list that may be topped by a partner, parents and/or children. Everyone has a busy life, and nobody is having an easy time of it these days. These people who are so precious to you, might have too much going on at that moment to give you a second thought, and so you start pulling others from the swirl in your mind.
There may be a friend from high school that you don't often talk to, or the best friend who will talk your ear off if you let them. Maybe there is someone you have never even met, but have heard about or talked to through a mutual acquaintance. Thanks to technology, there might be people you know you are likely to never meet, but with whom you have shared in-depth conversations.
People. Lots of people.
These are the same people who often have me running for the safety of warm blankets and deep pillows. These are also the same people who, as they know about my needs, find some kind of encouragement, even if they are a world away. These people who, though they may not think of me every moment of the day, think of me often enough for me to know, I am never as alone as I think I am.
I am blessed beyond my deserving. Even in this time of great loss, I have everything I need. I do not have everything I think I need, or I would be able to provide safety for so many others with even greater needs. I sit here alone, knowing that there are others out there, but to share my Inner Sanctum with them is just one more irritant they don't need. I sit here with the understanding that someday, these exact people may be gone, and I may be left behind.
However alone my reality may be, I can never be lonely; I have known the great love of of people so dear, that to dismiss the love they have already given me, would be to insult the idea of love. I carry with me not just the love of a partner who simply could not be more dear, or even of a family that defines "unconditional love". I carry with me very special friendships, as deep and abiding as what I have with parents and husband, though it may be a different kind of love. It is no less just because it is different.
When he is a t work, I miss my partner, and my entire being changes when he is here. He is predictable, and odd, and tolerant as can be, and irritating also at times. He reminds me of a few other people; people who will drop their lives at a single tear, if I let them know I've shed it. People who will carry me when I cannot walk, who will speak for me when I have no words, who will fight against any who would harm me.
I have special friends, but I am not the only one with special friends. If we are good and genuine and true, we can look around and find someone waiting in the wings for us. We do not need to be perfect, nor does anyone else need to be perfect. We do not need to be partnered with a single individual, to have excellent partnerships in our lives. We have friends to fulfill our needs, even if not as expected.
I spent all of my high school years and my early twenties attempting to be the kind of woman a partner would want. I was also compiling a list of what I required in a partner. The end result was, neither what I was nor what I expected was close to accurate. That means I wasted an awful lot of time.
Instead of wishing I was out on a date, I could have been enjoying an outing with a friend. Instead of taking up hobbies that would attract a partner, I could have been trying to figure out what I wanted my life to represent. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things a bit differently. I never thought I'd say that.
As much as I love and appreciate my partner, I now understand I do not need a partner. My life would be horribly different, but I would have figured out a way to survive; I have a great Klan who loves me. No one individual can fulfill all my needs, but when I have a need, several people step in to do what they can, and I get through the moment. This does not denigrate my marriage at all; it simply opens my eyes to the blessings I have.
These blessings often share their stories with me. Even when they don't have words, I see more than most. For example, I had my own daemons to exorcise when Grandpa died, but I also watched how Grandma processed it. As we all worried about how she would continue after such a loss, she spoke to me, ever revealing conversations that gave me even greater insight to what I had observed as a child. I am still amazed at her ability to deal with such a loss, and it has been several years.
I think about this as I listen to my single friends, and I ache for them. To be in a partnership means one must expect the end of that partnership. It is very rare that loved ones die together. I got married with the expectations that I would eventually be left alone. Actually, I entered into the relationship expecting it to not last. Endings are part of life. Staying single is one way to avoid certain partings.
But it does not matter if you are in a committed partnership or not, you can still feel lonely. Loneliness has nothing to do with who shares your bed at night, and everything to do with how you feel about yourself. Yes, there can be a certain hollowness to a moment, when the world is too quiet, and you wonder if there's anyone even thinking about you.
So you start sifting through that mental list that may be topped by a partner, parents and/or children. Everyone has a busy life, and nobody is having an easy time of it these days. These people who are so precious to you, might have too much going on at that moment to give you a second thought, and so you start pulling others from the swirl in your mind.
There may be a friend from high school that you don't often talk to, or the best friend who will talk your ear off if you let them. Maybe there is someone you have never even met, but have heard about or talked to through a mutual acquaintance. Thanks to technology, there might be people you know you are likely to never meet, but with whom you have shared in-depth conversations.
People. Lots of people.
These are the same people who often have me running for the safety of warm blankets and deep pillows. These are also the same people who, as they know about my needs, find some kind of encouragement, even if they are a world away. These people who, though they may not think of me every moment of the day, think of me often enough for me to know, I am never as alone as I think I am.
I am blessed beyond my deserving. Even in this time of great loss, I have everything I need. I do not have everything I think I need, or I would be able to provide safety for so many others with even greater needs. I sit here alone, knowing that there are others out there, but to share my Inner Sanctum with them is just one more irritant they don't need. I sit here with the understanding that someday, these exact people may be gone, and I may be left behind.
However alone my reality may be, I can never be lonely; I have known the great love of of people so dear, that to dismiss the love they have already given me, would be to insult the idea of love. I carry with me not just the love of a partner who simply could not be more dear, or even of a family that defines "unconditional love". I carry with me very special friendships, as deep and abiding as what I have with parents and husband, though it may be a different kind of love. It is no less just because it is different.
When he is a t work, I miss my partner, and my entire being changes when he is here. He is predictable, and odd, and tolerant as can be, and irritating also at times. He reminds me of a few other people; people who will drop their lives at a single tear, if I let them know I've shed it. People who will carry me when I cannot walk, who will speak for me when I have no words, who will fight against any who would harm me.
I have special friends, but I am not the only one with special friends. If we are good and genuine and true, we can look around and find someone waiting in the wings for us. We do not need to be perfect, nor does anyone else need to be perfect. We do not need to be partnered with a single individual, to have excellent partnerships in our lives. We have friends to fulfill our needs, even if not as expected.