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Living in Today
This is the reason I don't drink. Even on the best of days my thoughts get carried away with me. The perceptions I receive from others interrupt my sensibilities. I understand that I reeve too much from others. It is part of my current difficulties. I cannot trust.
It's not just that I cannot trust the things I hear from other people. I know I cannot trust the input I receive from myself. My thoughts, feelings, even the things I see can be affected by outside influences.
Today I have discovered that my withdrawal from the outside world has affected people I love. Self preservation impacts others. I have understood that for many years. I have for the past several begun to see the impact I have on other people. Today I have been made aware that my "negative impact" has been quite the opposite: I am not just an observer in this world.
As I was growing, I was taught that I not just can have a great impact on the world, but that I make an impression, even when the intent is not there. Only in these past months have I discovered that impact exists even when not intended.
In light of current circumstances, I have been impressed with, well, I hesitate to say total impact because even in the face of enlightenment, I know I still lack understanding, but I do so much more.
I noticed upon the outset that people are hurt when I don't respond the way they expect me too. I am not perfect, and I have noticed that I lead situation into places where I suddenly see the faults and cannot allow through. I am always in great sorrows over such moments and hope that the great creator will guide those impacted by my poor choices to a greater happiness within their own lives.
I cannot begin to understand the impact I have on the existence of others. I believed with my whole heart in the goodness of people. That we all worked toward a common goal, but reality has taught me something different. Love and understanding are not in tandem. Indeed they rarely fit into the same moment.
Yesterday my four-year-old nephew had to ask me if I loved him. That hurt. It didn't hurt him, nor likely impact him, other than confirmation of what I hoped he had already known.
But it did impact me. How many people do not understand the impact of their love and affection. I know I don't. I know my god-children do not understand their impact on me.
Whose fault is this? I could choose to be more involved in their lives. Yet I observe how my teenage cousins choose to ignore my invitations to share, and so I know I need to hold back my affections. Children are not as receptive as we wish they would be.
Neither are adults. Life is so far from anyone's idea of perfect. I know I make mistakes nearly every day. I know I do not see the whole truth of a situation. More often than not, I have seen examples of situations where I simply don't get it.
Here's the thing: that's OK. If we got everything every time, we would be perfected beings and on a whole different plane. This is an existence of learning. I am not perfect and I never will be. I am here. I am me, and I will dedicate myself to doing the best I can with each moment. I'm sorry if that is not enough, but you will have to learn as well.
It's not just that I cannot trust the things I hear from other people. I know I cannot trust the input I receive from myself. My thoughts, feelings, even the things I see can be affected by outside influences.
Today I have discovered that my withdrawal from the outside world has affected people I love. Self preservation impacts others. I have understood that for many years. I have for the past several begun to see the impact I have on other people. Today I have been made aware that my "negative impact" has been quite the opposite: I am not just an observer in this world.
As I was growing, I was taught that I not just can have a great impact on the world, but that I make an impression, even when the intent is not there. Only in these past months have I discovered that impact exists even when not intended.
In light of current circumstances, I have been impressed with, well, I hesitate to say total impact because even in the face of enlightenment, I know I still lack understanding, but I do so much more.
I noticed upon the outset that people are hurt when I don't respond the way they expect me too. I am not perfect, and I have noticed that I lead situation into places where I suddenly see the faults and cannot allow through. I am always in great sorrows over such moments and hope that the great creator will guide those impacted by my poor choices to a greater happiness within their own lives.
I cannot begin to understand the impact I have on the existence of others. I believed with my whole heart in the goodness of people. That we all worked toward a common goal, but reality has taught me something different. Love and understanding are not in tandem. Indeed they rarely fit into the same moment.
Yesterday my four-year-old nephew had to ask me if I loved him. That hurt. It didn't hurt him, nor likely impact him, other than confirmation of what I hoped he had already known.
But it did impact me. How many people do not understand the impact of their love and affection. I know I don't. I know my god-children do not understand their impact on me.
Whose fault is this? I could choose to be more involved in their lives. Yet I observe how my teenage cousins choose to ignore my invitations to share, and so I know I need to hold back my affections. Children are not as receptive as we wish they would be.
Neither are adults. Life is so far from anyone's idea of perfect. I know I make mistakes nearly every day. I know I do not see the whole truth of a situation. More often than not, I have seen examples of situations where I simply don't get it.
Here's the thing: that's OK. If we got everything every time, we would be perfected beings and on a whole different plane. This is an existence of learning. I am not perfect and I never will be. I am here. I am me, and I will dedicate myself to doing the best I can with each moment. I'm sorry if that is not enough, but you will have to learn as well.