It's Been A While
It's been a while since I was here. I'm sorry. I didn't intend to be gone for so long, but when you're putting your life back together-well, life can get in the way of what you think is important.
Funny how I've practically been preaching about keeping focused on one's personal priorities, and yet I have let things get in the way of them. You are one of my personal priorities; you who struggle through your own life, gleaming some hint of hope from the struggles of mine. I've missed you!
I have learned some things while I've been gone. Not everyone has the same priorities and the same definitions. We always knew that , though. I've learned how people change, and the ebb and flow of those changes rarely make any sense and have different timing, even for a single individual. I've learned I can't always make a difference.
But that doesn't mean I have to stop trying. I thought my Southern Tour of last March would change my world. And though it did, not necessarily for the better. Many of the things I that have caused me so much anxiety that it puts me in pain, have been subdued. I don't like grocery shopping or eating in a restaurant, but I can do it, and without the kind of exhaustion from maintaining that I previously had known.
Even driving, though there may be days or moments when I'm all out of sorts, I know I can achieve successfully. Not that I don't get very agitated over other drivers, but after driving from Ohio to Ft Rutger Alabama, I am quite certain I can do it.
What I can't do, is deal with pretend people. Don't act like you care in one moment, and completely turn your back the next. If you care, then I deserve an explanation. I may care, but I am learning to build walls against those others who, knowingly or not, hurt me on a regular basis. Maybe I can continue to allow you to hurt me, but I will not. I am too valuable to others to waste my time on people like you.
I understand that money and health are necessary things, and it is unfortunate that they go hand-in-hand. I made an attempt to rectify the problems by compromising with the standards of others. This was not appropriate for me. Because I have tried to do more for others, I have done less for those who should be my priority, by my own professed standards. I have rectified that as well, not without guilt and concern.
Those are two traits, guilt and concern, that I am measuring out delicately. It may be human to feel or cause others to feel such things, but I am not responsible for the world. I am responsible for me, and how I interact with the world. That means I refuse to feel guilty because I cannot help you; chances are that's because I am taking care of something else. This doesn't mean I'm not concerned, but I do not have to feel guilty because I am concerned.
This also means you don't have to feel guilty if you can't help me; just let me know that you are concerned. I don't need you to fix my problems, I just need to know that you love me. Maybe I'll need to talk, or maybe I'll need someone who can lovingly put a boot up my butt and remind me to do as I have said I would. Yes, maybe I will need some other kind of real help, and you are not able to share in the back-breaking work, but maybe you know someone who can, or can help me show thanks to those who do. Or maybe right now all you can do is send good thoughts into the universe on my behalf. Whatever it is that you are called upon to do by something greater than the two of us, then it is enough, and you need not feel guilty.
Things are difficult right now. Money is tighter than ever, and we are dealing with potential Cancer on two beloved fronts. No one I know is particularly healthy, and maybe it's all just a sign of these times. Difficulties is how we learn to be more than we thought we could be. We learn something new about ourselves, and, if we're lucky, how we impact the world around us. It is through difficulties that my life has become of great value to me. I hope you feel that way as well.
Funny how I've practically been preaching about keeping focused on one's personal priorities, and yet I have let things get in the way of them. You are one of my personal priorities; you who struggle through your own life, gleaming some hint of hope from the struggles of mine. I've missed you!
I have learned some things while I've been gone. Not everyone has the same priorities and the same definitions. We always knew that , though. I've learned how people change, and the ebb and flow of those changes rarely make any sense and have different timing, even for a single individual. I've learned I can't always make a difference.
But that doesn't mean I have to stop trying. I thought my Southern Tour of last March would change my world. And though it did, not necessarily for the better. Many of the things I that have caused me so much anxiety that it puts me in pain, have been subdued. I don't like grocery shopping or eating in a restaurant, but I can do it, and without the kind of exhaustion from maintaining that I previously had known.
Even driving, though there may be days or moments when I'm all out of sorts, I know I can achieve successfully. Not that I don't get very agitated over other drivers, but after driving from Ohio to Ft Rutger Alabama, I am quite certain I can do it.
What I can't do, is deal with pretend people. Don't act like you care in one moment, and completely turn your back the next. If you care, then I deserve an explanation. I may care, but I am learning to build walls against those others who, knowingly or not, hurt me on a regular basis. Maybe I can continue to allow you to hurt me, but I will not. I am too valuable to others to waste my time on people like you.
I understand that money and health are necessary things, and it is unfortunate that they go hand-in-hand. I made an attempt to rectify the problems by compromising with the standards of others. This was not appropriate for me. Because I have tried to do more for others, I have done less for those who should be my priority, by my own professed standards. I have rectified that as well, not without guilt and concern.
Those are two traits, guilt and concern, that I am measuring out delicately. It may be human to feel or cause others to feel such things, but I am not responsible for the world. I am responsible for me, and how I interact with the world. That means I refuse to feel guilty because I cannot help you; chances are that's because I am taking care of something else. This doesn't mean I'm not concerned, but I do not have to feel guilty because I am concerned.
This also means you don't have to feel guilty if you can't help me; just let me know that you are concerned. I don't need you to fix my problems, I just need to know that you love me. Maybe I'll need to talk, or maybe I'll need someone who can lovingly put a boot up my butt and remind me to do as I have said I would. Yes, maybe I will need some other kind of real help, and you are not able to share in the back-breaking work, but maybe you know someone who can, or can help me show thanks to those who do. Or maybe right now all you can do is send good thoughts into the universe on my behalf. Whatever it is that you are called upon to do by something greater than the two of us, then it is enough, and you need not feel guilty.
Things are difficult right now. Money is tighter than ever, and we are dealing with potential Cancer on two beloved fronts. No one I know is particularly healthy, and maybe it's all just a sign of these times. Difficulties is how we learn to be more than we thought we could be. We learn something new about ourselves, and, if we're lucky, how we impact the world around us. It is through difficulties that my life has become of great value to me. I hope you feel that way as well.