Click here to Introduction
An Understanding of Social Anxiety Disorder
I think I am really beginning to figure this out. Maybe not the whole thing, but I'm beginning to get some of those bits and pieces that outsiders see, even if they don't get all the bits and pieces themselves. I mean, I understand that, I am "crazy"; crazy being unlike anyone else you've ever experienced, to the extreme. I'm not necessarily extreme, though some of my oddities my tip the scale more than you think is appropriate, but I have so many oddities that I am just entirely too different to acclimate to the world around me.
I cringe at the thought, but maybe I am a delicate damn flower. When I think about it, I would have to be. Let's not even think about the cosmic "purpose" or any thing beyond this experience. Those kinds of thoughts always get people into trouble. Let's just look at what we, as individuals with shared or observed experiences, know to be certain:
I spent my early childhood; what psychologists, sociologists and education professionals tend to agree is the formative years of our existence, in a completely unrealistic environment. I rarely heard voices raised in anger, even when it came to cleaning up after myself. I did not have many peers, the closest things to siblings being my cousins, so that likely contributed toward my ability to conform to the direction of the adults around me. The three adults I spent most of my time with, always seemed to genuinely appreciate my presence, which I have discovered is difficult when there are so many thoughts to take up an adult's mind.
We can agree that there are a great many responsibilities adults face that children are rarely aware of. Kid's usually don't care how much it costs to get their favorite cereal, nor where the money will come from. They don't have to think about if it is more important to toss around the ball, or try to find a better job. These are the things kids learn about as they grow. Unfortunately they not only have to learn how to prioritize their time, but they will also learn that not everyone wants to make the world a better place.
Part of my inability to cope with reality comes form the fact that I was never exposed to ideas beyond those who were like-minded with my closest clan. Not everyone in our family believed in the idea that we are here to make this a better place, but I did not meet them until I was old enough to see the difference for myself. I understood that we did not all agree on every detail of life, but that solid foundation of betterment was always there. It isn't that way for everyone.
I discovered this at five in a very shocking way. Since then I have been constantly and consistently exposed to people who take advantage of a moment without even considering the emotional consequence on others. Too often, even when they do, they do not care. This is very disturbing for someone who believed that the world is made up of good people, making good decisions.
I think we can agree that such a discovery of starkly contrasting reality could be detrimental to even the most biologically sane of us. With blood relatives on every side encountering their own struggles with emotional chemicals, I am agreeable on the losing end of the biological struggle as well. I am simply more sane than I have any reason to be.
I still rarely leave the house, however. I'm not convinced this is really that much of a problem, but I do want to be able to interact with the world, even if I don't do it according the the standards of "normal". Part of my therapy for dealing with social anxiety is through exposure. Within six months I went from not taking phone calls, texts, or (Heaven forbid!) actual face-to-face encounters, to having daily expectation of interactions.
Technology has been crucial to my recovery. Every day I get on FaceBook, and I usually leave it up all day. It is my connection to the outside world that I am unsure about. Usually I find value of some sort in my interactions, but there are days when something I see there usurps my ability to cope. When that happens, I can turn the computer off. That is very important.
I really don't think my life has been that spectacularly different from the lives of other people. Every day people are dying, being hospitalized, losing jobs, arguing with loved ones, being taken advantage of by people they trusted; any number of unfortunate things. Sometimes several unfortunate things happen at once. Sometimes unfortunate things happen to people we care deeply about, or these things happen only to someone you have known, but they draw deep feelings you once had. I accept that this is part of life.
So when I take less than an hour to scroll through a day's happenings on FaceBook and I see that one mother has passed, while another mother is still being mourned for so deeply that I have no choice but fear; I am reminded that I have been blessed with the exception while someone else is in need for basic care while she lives with her own offspring; I learn how conforming a lifetime guarantees a future of nothing; I hear insignificant complaints among great catastrophes. A social network is one small sampling of a bigger world. This is the world that I contribute to, often in the same ways that disturb me now.
One of my greatest fears is that people will misunderstand me. actually, I know they will and that's probably why I am too open with my life. How can you make a judgement when you don't know all the facts? I don't even know all the facts, and I'm pretty sure I was there. It's probably part of my affliction that I am reluctant to step out into your world, until I know it is worth it.
You see, I was raised in a world where dreams do come true, and happily ever after actually exists every day. I understand that that was not normal, and probably where a lot of my "crazy" comes from. I also understand that I actually do make a difference in the impressions that I leave on the people I interact with. For me this is a great burden of responsibility, and I also understand that most other people don't feel that way. It's why they can be hurtful to one another.
I know I am being judged every day. I judge me, even if you do not. I know I could be doing more, or at least something different. I know I could be forcing myself into conformity once more, and I can even drop my level of compassion and thrive in a failing society. But I will not be part of "the problem". I will not accept that the only way to survive this existence is through a haze of medication designed to make me forget that fairy tales are not real, and people are selfish. I will not be forced to conform to selfishness, even though others might see what I am living as that very trait.
I do not know how everything will fit together. I have no clue how to both maintain a distance from society and yet participate in it. I don't really know how I fit anywhere. However, there are cosmic things beyond this existence. Maybe it is in the believing that I will find more answers. Question my path all you want; I know I do. All I ask is that you do not mock it, nor hate what you do not understand.
I cringe at the thought, but maybe I am a delicate damn flower. When I think about it, I would have to be. Let's not even think about the cosmic "purpose" or any thing beyond this experience. Those kinds of thoughts always get people into trouble. Let's just look at what we, as individuals with shared or observed experiences, know to be certain:
I spent my early childhood; what psychologists, sociologists and education professionals tend to agree is the formative years of our existence, in a completely unrealistic environment. I rarely heard voices raised in anger, even when it came to cleaning up after myself. I did not have many peers, the closest things to siblings being my cousins, so that likely contributed toward my ability to conform to the direction of the adults around me. The three adults I spent most of my time with, always seemed to genuinely appreciate my presence, which I have discovered is difficult when there are so many thoughts to take up an adult's mind.
We can agree that there are a great many responsibilities adults face that children are rarely aware of. Kid's usually don't care how much it costs to get their favorite cereal, nor where the money will come from. They don't have to think about if it is more important to toss around the ball, or try to find a better job. These are the things kids learn about as they grow. Unfortunately they not only have to learn how to prioritize their time, but they will also learn that not everyone wants to make the world a better place.
Part of my inability to cope with reality comes form the fact that I was never exposed to ideas beyond those who were like-minded with my closest clan. Not everyone in our family believed in the idea that we are here to make this a better place, but I did not meet them until I was old enough to see the difference for myself. I understood that we did not all agree on every detail of life, but that solid foundation of betterment was always there. It isn't that way for everyone.
I discovered this at five in a very shocking way. Since then I have been constantly and consistently exposed to people who take advantage of a moment without even considering the emotional consequence on others. Too often, even when they do, they do not care. This is very disturbing for someone who believed that the world is made up of good people, making good decisions.
I think we can agree that such a discovery of starkly contrasting reality could be detrimental to even the most biologically sane of us. With blood relatives on every side encountering their own struggles with emotional chemicals, I am agreeable on the losing end of the biological struggle as well. I am simply more sane than I have any reason to be.
I still rarely leave the house, however. I'm not convinced this is really that much of a problem, but I do want to be able to interact with the world, even if I don't do it according the the standards of "normal". Part of my therapy for dealing with social anxiety is through exposure. Within six months I went from not taking phone calls, texts, or (Heaven forbid!) actual face-to-face encounters, to having daily expectation of interactions.
Technology has been crucial to my recovery. Every day I get on FaceBook, and I usually leave it up all day. It is my connection to the outside world that I am unsure about. Usually I find value of some sort in my interactions, but there are days when something I see there usurps my ability to cope. When that happens, I can turn the computer off. That is very important.
I really don't think my life has been that spectacularly different from the lives of other people. Every day people are dying, being hospitalized, losing jobs, arguing with loved ones, being taken advantage of by people they trusted; any number of unfortunate things. Sometimes several unfortunate things happen at once. Sometimes unfortunate things happen to people we care deeply about, or these things happen only to someone you have known, but they draw deep feelings you once had. I accept that this is part of life.
So when I take less than an hour to scroll through a day's happenings on FaceBook and I see that one mother has passed, while another mother is still being mourned for so deeply that I have no choice but fear; I am reminded that I have been blessed with the exception while someone else is in need for basic care while she lives with her own offspring; I learn how conforming a lifetime guarantees a future of nothing; I hear insignificant complaints among great catastrophes. A social network is one small sampling of a bigger world. This is the world that I contribute to, often in the same ways that disturb me now.
One of my greatest fears is that people will misunderstand me. actually, I know they will and that's probably why I am too open with my life. How can you make a judgement when you don't know all the facts? I don't even know all the facts, and I'm pretty sure I was there. It's probably part of my affliction that I am reluctant to step out into your world, until I know it is worth it.
You see, I was raised in a world where dreams do come true, and happily ever after actually exists every day. I understand that that was not normal, and probably where a lot of my "crazy" comes from. I also understand that I actually do make a difference in the impressions that I leave on the people I interact with. For me this is a great burden of responsibility, and I also understand that most other people don't feel that way. It's why they can be hurtful to one another.
I know I am being judged every day. I judge me, even if you do not. I know I could be doing more, or at least something different. I know I could be forcing myself into conformity once more, and I can even drop my level of compassion and thrive in a failing society. But I will not be part of "the problem". I will not accept that the only way to survive this existence is through a haze of medication designed to make me forget that fairy tales are not real, and people are selfish. I will not be forced to conform to selfishness, even though others might see what I am living as that very trait.
I do not know how everything will fit together. I have no clue how to both maintain a distance from society and yet participate in it. I don't really know how I fit anywhere. However, there are cosmic things beyond this existence. Maybe it is in the believing that I will find more answers. Question my path all you want; I know I do. All I ask is that you do not mock it, nor hate what you do not understand.