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Living on Faith
What do you think of when you hear that? Take a minute. Really think about it: What does it mean to Live on Faith?
Every morning for almost 2 years now, I have woke up wondering how I will make it through the day. In high school I was diagnosed with what is now called Bi-Polar Disorder. What that means to you is, I have little to no control over my emotions that can swing between extremes with no notice and no obvious cause. Yes, there are medications given to aid that, but I have lived most of my life without insurance: Pre-school teachers once had nothing in the way of benefits. I have made it through, so far, however, doing just on the good side of ok.
Until just over a year ago when the obscure pains I had began to manifest in such a way as to take control of my life. After having conquered migraine headaches, I thought I was beyond the realm of stress-related illnesses, then they discovered Fibromyalgia. This one was tailored just to punish me. The pain has at times not only made me sick, but made me want to die. Often.
So I suck it up and get medical treatment. Medical treatment that I cannot afford. Medical treatment that makes me even more ill and less productive. Medical treatment that affects me so adversely, it begins to affect the lives of EVERYONE around me.
Once upon a time, I wanted to make a living writing. Well, my ability to make a living doing anything else, it seems, has been taken from me. Between the pain that affects my physical ability and the medications that affect my Emotional stability, I am no longer fit for public consumption.
I could chose to say that EVERYTHING has been taken from me. My health is gone, my finances are in ruins, my mental stability is in question, I am unable to talk to even the people I love for very long periods of time. Those I love the most ALL have very specific, very great problems of their own, and the burden of me is simply too great for any of them to bear just now.
But maybe it is ONLY when everything is taken from you, that you can really understand Living on Faith.
Today I woke up fearing for my sanity. Today I go for what they call "an assessment". I have no doubt that some of my medications have been a serious problem with my mental capacity. That's why the doctor and I chose to take me off them, however, having no insurance, I am unable to stay someplace where I can be safely monitored as they leave my system. The counselor and I agree that, because of my Emotional and Spiritual NEED for Nature, being in an institution is not favorable, but there is simply no place for someone like me.
I need help. I need both medical and mental monitoring at the least. I need respite to be Still and Listen. I prefer natural remedies to man-made chemical ones. I prefer Spiritual Healing to Medical Solutions. I am unaware of a place that provides that. Someday, it may be my Blessing to Provide such a Place.
For now, I am prepared to work within the current system as much as I can. Even in my growing terror. As usual, I will attempt to hide the fear, be honest enough to get help, but not so honest as to let them keep me, and BELIEVE that God will take care of me, even if I don't Understand.
I no longer have an income, I am preparing to risk my freedom, and maybe even the rest of my sanity. Specific life events have caused me to question Value and the sincerity of Others.
This, My Friend, is Living on Faith.
Every morning for almost 2 years now, I have woke up wondering how I will make it through the day. In high school I was diagnosed with what is now called Bi-Polar Disorder. What that means to you is, I have little to no control over my emotions that can swing between extremes with no notice and no obvious cause. Yes, there are medications given to aid that, but I have lived most of my life without insurance: Pre-school teachers once had nothing in the way of benefits. I have made it through, so far, however, doing just on the good side of ok.
Until just over a year ago when the obscure pains I had began to manifest in such a way as to take control of my life. After having conquered migraine headaches, I thought I was beyond the realm of stress-related illnesses, then they discovered Fibromyalgia. This one was tailored just to punish me. The pain has at times not only made me sick, but made me want to die. Often.
So I suck it up and get medical treatment. Medical treatment that I cannot afford. Medical treatment that makes me even more ill and less productive. Medical treatment that affects me so adversely, it begins to affect the lives of EVERYONE around me.
Once upon a time, I wanted to make a living writing. Well, my ability to make a living doing anything else, it seems, has been taken from me. Between the pain that affects my physical ability and the medications that affect my Emotional stability, I am no longer fit for public consumption.
I could chose to say that EVERYTHING has been taken from me. My health is gone, my finances are in ruins, my mental stability is in question, I am unable to talk to even the people I love for very long periods of time. Those I love the most ALL have very specific, very great problems of their own, and the burden of me is simply too great for any of them to bear just now.
But maybe it is ONLY when everything is taken from you, that you can really understand Living on Faith.
Today I woke up fearing for my sanity. Today I go for what they call "an assessment". I have no doubt that some of my medications have been a serious problem with my mental capacity. That's why the doctor and I chose to take me off them, however, having no insurance, I am unable to stay someplace where I can be safely monitored as they leave my system. The counselor and I agree that, because of my Emotional and Spiritual NEED for Nature, being in an institution is not favorable, but there is simply no place for someone like me.
I need help. I need both medical and mental monitoring at the least. I need respite to be Still and Listen. I prefer natural remedies to man-made chemical ones. I prefer Spiritual Healing to Medical Solutions. I am unaware of a place that provides that. Someday, it may be my Blessing to Provide such a Place.
For now, I am prepared to work within the current system as much as I can. Even in my growing terror. As usual, I will attempt to hide the fear, be honest enough to get help, but not so honest as to let them keep me, and BELIEVE that God will take care of me, even if I don't Understand.
I no longer have an income, I am preparing to risk my freedom, and maybe even the rest of my sanity. Specific life events have caused me to question Value and the sincerity of Others.
This, My Friend, is Living on Faith.
You can follow Taunta Beanie on FaceBook at https://www.facebook.com/TauntaTBTaylor or e-mail her at [email protected] For more about her or to read her other work go to www.TauntaBeanie.com