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Serving Emotions
Today I read a news article about a man who died because the paramedics didn't get to him on time. Why does this story bother me enough to make note of it here? He and his finance both had "mental illnesses" for which they were "properly" medicated. This man had a chronic pain issue and had reached the point where it was unacceptable even with the use of prescribed medication, unfortunately, during a snow storm. Although the emergency personnel didn't deal with the situation properly, this man and his finance could have done more.
Understand, I am NOT AT ALL blaming the couple for the death of the man. I understand that, when you have been told you have a disorder where your emotions are not "right", you doubt yourself. If it is through emotions that your "deficiency" reveals itself, then you are going to check your anger the moment it manifests. If you have been detained, or ever seen anyone detained because of anger, you, "knowing" you have an "emotional disorder" will likely subdue and reactions to extreme emotions; even if it IS appropriate.
During My Little Adventure I was privileged to be reminded that anger is not only appropriate, but can be used in beneficial ways in order to achieve an atmosphere of wellness. I would not allow a "counselor" to rail at me for those who left the facility only to commit suicide, when my intent was to prevent such a thing from occurring in my life. My anger was such at the moment that I could have happily committed murder. I may have allowed my anger to poor out of my mouth, but not through my hands. As I was the patient, my behavior was entirely appropriate, even if it got me nothing more than a hateful attitude from my "counselor". As the "professional", she was wrong to use any emotion against me. I waited until my anger was in check, and then I proceeded to allow it to work for me, explaining in my most educated terms, that she was being inappropriate and insisting the situation to be rectified.
Had I allowed my anger to have control, I would have committed an act that I would feel (and be) guilty for now. Had I not allowed my anger to fuel my actions, that "counselor" would have continued to berate me, which creates a memory of suicidal value which most people don't understand.
So I think about this couple who chose to be patient and suppress what must have been anger. I believe I completely understand their point of view, having had chronic pain issues myself, as well as being told that I am "emotionally crippled". I can understand how easy it is to be apathetic under the influence of medications designed to suppress emotional response. I understand what it's like to think that, if you stand up for what you KNOW is right, something even worse can take place. And I think I understand that this poor woman's future journey will be significantly impacted by her inability to allow her emotions to serve his need. She is in for an even more difficult future, even though his death is NOT her fault.
I UNDERSTAND that everything we do impacts us, even if we KNOW it's not our fault. I UNDERSTAND the fear that prevents us. I think it is good to be aware of these things, but being aware does not mean we MUST live by them. Either we are responsible humans, therefore accepting and working through the consequences of life, or we are children unable to make decisions. Or worse, we are nothing and should stop wasting other people's air. At my very worst, I prefer to think I am still learning no matter how responsible I thought I was.
But there are other people who want to use the past as an excuse to continue unacceptable behavior. There is a difference between making a mistake and just being a bad person. Because you are a bad person if you say it is ok to be irresponsible because you have had a problem (socially such as abuse, or physically such as a mental disorder), even if it is only that you are bad for this moment that you are in. If you are not going to at least try to be better, than you serve no purpose. (A strong opinion, but mine to make. I judge myself just as harshly.) Falling back might be an explanation, but YOU are still responsible.
That means learning to accept your emotions and their usefulness. Yes, there are times when what you think is appropriate, simply is not. That's why we ALL should constantly self check, sometimes that means asking other people in our lives. We have been given this power, seemingly unique to the human experience. What is prayer if not emotion directed for the greater good? Our emotions are a gift we need to learn to harness and use. It's not always about allowing anger to help us speak up for our physical safety. Sometimes it's purposefully gathering to us the love the we need in order to conquer a saddening loss. Yes, emotions are dangerous; anything that powerful is. Power is not always bad, and, when used with caution and respect, can enlighten a world.