Alone Need Not Be Lonely
Loss: it means something different to everyone. Our Greatest Fear, is losing those Things We Prize, Above All others. Sometimes this is people, but death is not the only loss.
While I was busy Living Life, compromising what I thought was Ultimately Important, with what was REALLY Important, and processing just what, exactly those were, more than my Perspective was changing.
I have always known I am not physically perfect, but I was usually too busy trying to "Do the Right Thing" while maintaining a Belief System as well as my sanity to really pay much attention. No one goes through puberty without realizing, at some point, Our Physicality changes. We can generalize about some of them, but, like everything else, We Each Experience these changes differently. Thus goes the process of aging (for those who have Observed it, not Experienced it yet-no snickering!)
Though We may All Expect to go through a Time of Development into "Our Prime", whatever that means, rarely is expected the demise of such a Period, whatever that may mean. My mother was dancing not long before she lost one of Her legs (whom I have since seen dancing as well). My favorite dancing partner in high school is one of those people you talk about when you make those jokes about "the worst thing that can happen"-you know, falling out of a window and NOT dying. Being paralyzed is not the worst thing He Experiences. Grandpa Eddy went tubing for his first time at 74-looking like Huck Finn with his long pants rolled up, handing Grandma Vi all the stuff from His pockets. We rarely even Recognize Our Prime when We are Experiencing it.
When I left high school for college, I was engaged. It did not go well, however I had an unusual Experience to help Me Evolve from that. It did not go easily for any of Us. It lead to my move to the bayous of Louisiana, and New Orleans, on My Own, in My early twenties. Although I did not do as badly as Some will Claim, I did not do as well as I should have. But there was nothing that I couldn't do.
The Attitude was not forced. At that Time of My Life, I had all the confidence Other's had assumed I had previously. And I truly Believed there was NOTHING I could do.
If you have never been to see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", "in costume", with Cast, You should Plan to do so. It is an UnForgetable Experience like nothing else you will ever Know. I do not recommend taking anyone You Consider "a child". When we went, that night, to see it play in New Orleans, My Best Friend and I decided to dress in opposites: where I wore black, She would where white. So I had a white lace glove and a black satin one, She wore the matching set. Also matching were the lace tops and pants We were wearing. Barely.
I know for a fact that the shoes were sharing involved 3 inch heels, and though We were (barely) dressed appropriately for the movie, I had to do some work to do to help the rest of the party get up to speed. It wasn't very far at all to back the car up, in order to let another car out. Imagine My surprise when I was told it was in the ditch.
You must Understand, in Louisiana by "ditch" they really mean "small canal". I was able to climb down in there, in lace and heels, and lift a 1979 Valare (back when car bodies were made from metal) up, high enough and long enough for the other 3 tires to gather traction and pull forward. I was just over 5 foot tall, and the "ditch" was almost shoulder height. And I still looked good.
The was nothing I could not do. I was a caged Animal unleashed on The World, and I Attacked, and never thought too much about Consequences.
Thankfully I grew up, still am, and that is where I find the Problem; I never stopped growing. I have been unkind to My Meat Puppet, and I have been around for more than just a few years. Things are not where they should be, including My Mind, and I can tell when the weather is changing. I take great pride in my grey, and I know I Deserve most every ache and pain. But I did not Expect THIS.
It took me nearly 30 years to put together an Understanding of what it Meant to Be Me. What Freedoms I Gave Up were My Choice. Choice is really only the Gift of a Parent for a Child, but I was a Grown Woman, and Choice was taken from me. I was a Survivor of emotional and physical child abuse. I was a Survivor of Rape. I was even a Survivor of Poverty and too many situation where I put My Life in jeopardy. A flippant remark took ALL My Choices Away.
Because I was completely honest, I lost the right to walk Outside. It was a single statement, that was not Intended the way it was Understood. A Fear I will never out live.
So now the oddest thing can startle Me; things that Comfort Others cause Me to tremble. I have a different Experience of the World. I have lost My sense of Security. The only place I feel truly Safe, is at My Own Residence, when My Husband is Home. In a few days I leave on a week long trip, after which I have to finish moving out of My Home.
One of My Best Friend's has offered us storage during this Transition, but Ohio in February is not the best Time to move. I have been stuck in the driveway twice. The first time, being a Buckeye Girl, I knew to rock the vehicle until it caught traction and I could pull away. No big deal. Snow can make it hard to see.
The second Time, I made it a point to not park on ice nor mud; the Blessed Sun was Glorifying all It Touched, and I realized that packing the van as absolutely full as possible, meant even more trips up and down the stair lugging heavy things. This takes more than an hour, with a degenerative spine. It takes several hours, and the Sun Shone!
On one tire.
Creating a 2-3 inch puddle.
If you know anything about vans and puddles, these things are not compatible. I tried rocking. I tried artificial traction. Cardboard spun right under it, and salt was the worst thing I could have done!
Well, maybe not The worst.
Time was My Enemy, but I had to be Patient. To have continued to attempt alone would have created more difficulties. My Friend comes Home, teenage Daughter in tow, and we take and Good Look; one of the primary problems was, I could not actually see the tires, so I was not sure exactly what was Required. She was quick to the real answer, as We filled the water puddle that had grown under the tire, but it wasn't quite Enough.
I Knew what would be Enough. What I wasn't sure of, was if it was Possible. I did not Know if I could do it. Almost 20 years has passed, and I have already hurt myself with a load that never should have even been in the van.
But I can do anything!
I Know it is a Fact that Humans have Strength They might not normally be capable of. Grandpa's lack of pain medications allows Me to Know that the Human Mind can Achieve Great Things. I Know it only needs a little tiny extra push. Just a little tiny eensy weensy....
A Good Friend Knows when it's Appropriate to do as You ask and say nothing more than "Are you sure?" Reverse wasn't having it, and I was sliding a bit in the slush. I have to have traction before I can assist the van with traction. I have a two hour drive when this is done. I Can Do Anything!
From the opposing side, I get in the back, thinking I can get some lift on the tire and it will reach traction in spite of the ever increasing puddle. I know enough to rock it-let the weight of the van give it momentum. Each time feet dig in a little deeper, body strains a little harder. A final-
OH ARE YOU KIDDING?! It was there! We both could feel that it was ready to catch, but I didn't have another push left in Me!....yet! She wasn't at all thrilled that I was going to try again. A Great Friend knows when to say "OK" while They shake Their head in Realization just how far You will go.
This time I took a minute. I Assessed the Situation-not just the van, but My Meat Puppet. I had actually done a bit of gentle stretches during the wait, so I Knew enough to Prepare My Body. Deep, full, breaths. Inside My Mind I could See This Configuration of Molecules Gathering. Placement deep in the sweet Mother and-BEGIN!
Let the rocking motion carry itself. Push from the legs, the hips. Aid it with a touch of Patience. Shoulders, body, FACE and then
AAAGGGRRRHH!!
I did it!
WE did it-there is no way I could have done that Alone. Sometimes we cannot Do for OurSelves. Sometimes We Must have Help. Each time I carry a box I wonder how many more I will be Able to do on My Own. How long until I no longer CAN?
For Some People these are gradual Eventualities. But for Some, it is a Nightmare from which They Never Awaken.
These Nightmares are not always health-related. Do You know what it's like to feel fortunate to have a car to live in? Have You watched, as the Individual You Love Most, lay Suffering? Do You know what it's like to wonder if You will be able to eat tomorrow? Have You heard the screams of a Child being pulled away? I do not believe any two Losses are the same.
I do not Understand All There Is to Understand. I understand very little. Things are spinning so far Beyond Me, that I can't even help. There are a million Horrors Out There; thousands In Here alone. The World is a Great Whirlwind of needs, aches, and longings. Where there is one Success another Fails. How do I go Beyond this Terror?
I have to Stop someTimes. I have to Acknowledge that this is so very Painful! I Allow MySelf to Ache and Suffer, and I Accept that this is part of My Current Situation.
While I was busy Living Life, compromising what I thought was Ultimately Important, with what was REALLY Important, and processing just what, exactly those were, more than my Perspective was changing.
I have always known I am not physically perfect, but I was usually too busy trying to "Do the Right Thing" while maintaining a Belief System as well as my sanity to really pay much attention. No one goes through puberty without realizing, at some point, Our Physicality changes. We can generalize about some of them, but, like everything else, We Each Experience these changes differently. Thus goes the process of aging (for those who have Observed it, not Experienced it yet-no snickering!)
Though We may All Expect to go through a Time of Development into "Our Prime", whatever that means, rarely is expected the demise of such a Period, whatever that may mean. My mother was dancing not long before she lost one of Her legs (whom I have since seen dancing as well). My favorite dancing partner in high school is one of those people you talk about when you make those jokes about "the worst thing that can happen"-you know, falling out of a window and NOT dying. Being paralyzed is not the worst thing He Experiences. Grandpa Eddy went tubing for his first time at 74-looking like Huck Finn with his long pants rolled up, handing Grandma Vi all the stuff from His pockets. We rarely even Recognize Our Prime when We are Experiencing it.
When I left high school for college, I was engaged. It did not go well, however I had an unusual Experience to help Me Evolve from that. It did not go easily for any of Us. It lead to my move to the bayous of Louisiana, and New Orleans, on My Own, in My early twenties. Although I did not do as badly as Some will Claim, I did not do as well as I should have. But there was nothing that I couldn't do.
The Attitude was not forced. At that Time of My Life, I had all the confidence Other's had assumed I had previously. And I truly Believed there was NOTHING I could do.
If you have never been to see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", "in costume", with Cast, You should Plan to do so. It is an UnForgetable Experience like nothing else you will ever Know. I do not recommend taking anyone You Consider "a child". When we went, that night, to see it play in New Orleans, My Best Friend and I decided to dress in opposites: where I wore black, She would where white. So I had a white lace glove and a black satin one, She wore the matching set. Also matching were the lace tops and pants We were wearing. Barely.
I know for a fact that the shoes were sharing involved 3 inch heels, and though We were (barely) dressed appropriately for the movie, I had to do some work to do to help the rest of the party get up to speed. It wasn't very far at all to back the car up, in order to let another car out. Imagine My surprise when I was told it was in the ditch.
You must Understand, in Louisiana by "ditch" they really mean "small canal". I was able to climb down in there, in lace and heels, and lift a 1979 Valare (back when car bodies were made from metal) up, high enough and long enough for the other 3 tires to gather traction and pull forward. I was just over 5 foot tall, and the "ditch" was almost shoulder height. And I still looked good.
The was nothing I could not do. I was a caged Animal unleashed on The World, and I Attacked, and never thought too much about Consequences.
Thankfully I grew up, still am, and that is where I find the Problem; I never stopped growing. I have been unkind to My Meat Puppet, and I have been around for more than just a few years. Things are not where they should be, including My Mind, and I can tell when the weather is changing. I take great pride in my grey, and I know I Deserve most every ache and pain. But I did not Expect THIS.
It took me nearly 30 years to put together an Understanding of what it Meant to Be Me. What Freedoms I Gave Up were My Choice. Choice is really only the Gift of a Parent for a Child, but I was a Grown Woman, and Choice was taken from me. I was a Survivor of emotional and physical child abuse. I was a Survivor of Rape. I was even a Survivor of Poverty and too many situation where I put My Life in jeopardy. A flippant remark took ALL My Choices Away.
Because I was completely honest, I lost the right to walk Outside. It was a single statement, that was not Intended the way it was Understood. A Fear I will never out live.
So now the oddest thing can startle Me; things that Comfort Others cause Me to tremble. I have a different Experience of the World. I have lost My sense of Security. The only place I feel truly Safe, is at My Own Residence, when My Husband is Home. In a few days I leave on a week long trip, after which I have to finish moving out of My Home.
One of My Best Friend's has offered us storage during this Transition, but Ohio in February is not the best Time to move. I have been stuck in the driveway twice. The first time, being a Buckeye Girl, I knew to rock the vehicle until it caught traction and I could pull away. No big deal. Snow can make it hard to see.
The second Time, I made it a point to not park on ice nor mud; the Blessed Sun was Glorifying all It Touched, and I realized that packing the van as absolutely full as possible, meant even more trips up and down the stair lugging heavy things. This takes more than an hour, with a degenerative spine. It takes several hours, and the Sun Shone!
On one tire.
Creating a 2-3 inch puddle.
If you know anything about vans and puddles, these things are not compatible. I tried rocking. I tried artificial traction. Cardboard spun right under it, and salt was the worst thing I could have done!
Well, maybe not The worst.
Time was My Enemy, but I had to be Patient. To have continued to attempt alone would have created more difficulties. My Friend comes Home, teenage Daughter in tow, and we take and Good Look; one of the primary problems was, I could not actually see the tires, so I was not sure exactly what was Required. She was quick to the real answer, as We filled the water puddle that had grown under the tire, but it wasn't quite Enough.
I Knew what would be Enough. What I wasn't sure of, was if it was Possible. I did not Know if I could do it. Almost 20 years has passed, and I have already hurt myself with a load that never should have even been in the van.
But I can do anything!
I Know it is a Fact that Humans have Strength They might not normally be capable of. Grandpa's lack of pain medications allows Me to Know that the Human Mind can Achieve Great Things. I Know it only needs a little tiny extra push. Just a little tiny eensy weensy....
A Good Friend Knows when it's Appropriate to do as You ask and say nothing more than "Are you sure?" Reverse wasn't having it, and I was sliding a bit in the slush. I have to have traction before I can assist the van with traction. I have a two hour drive when this is done. I Can Do Anything!
From the opposing side, I get in the back, thinking I can get some lift on the tire and it will reach traction in spite of the ever increasing puddle. I know enough to rock it-let the weight of the van give it momentum. Each time feet dig in a little deeper, body strains a little harder. A final-
OH ARE YOU KIDDING?! It was there! We both could feel that it was ready to catch, but I didn't have another push left in Me!....yet! She wasn't at all thrilled that I was going to try again. A Great Friend knows when to say "OK" while They shake Their head in Realization just how far You will go.
This time I took a minute. I Assessed the Situation-not just the van, but My Meat Puppet. I had actually done a bit of gentle stretches during the wait, so I Knew enough to Prepare My Body. Deep, full, breaths. Inside My Mind I could See This Configuration of Molecules Gathering. Placement deep in the sweet Mother and-BEGIN!
Let the rocking motion carry itself. Push from the legs, the hips. Aid it with a touch of Patience. Shoulders, body, FACE and then
AAAGGGRRRHH!!
I did it!
WE did it-there is no way I could have done that Alone. Sometimes we cannot Do for OurSelves. Sometimes We Must have Help. Each time I carry a box I wonder how many more I will be Able to do on My Own. How long until I no longer CAN?
For Some People these are gradual Eventualities. But for Some, it is a Nightmare from which They Never Awaken.
These Nightmares are not always health-related. Do You know what it's like to feel fortunate to have a car to live in? Have You watched, as the Individual You Love Most, lay Suffering? Do You know what it's like to wonder if You will be able to eat tomorrow? Have You heard the screams of a Child being pulled away? I do not believe any two Losses are the same.
I do not Understand All There Is to Understand. I understand very little. Things are spinning so far Beyond Me, that I can't even help. There are a million Horrors Out There; thousands In Here alone. The World is a Great Whirlwind of needs, aches, and longings. Where there is one Success another Fails. How do I go Beyond this Terror?
I have to Stop someTimes. I have to Acknowledge that this is so very Painful! I Allow MySelf to Ache and Suffer, and I Accept that this is part of My Current Situation.