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Psychological Solutions III: How to Love Us
In case you hadn’t guessed, this missive is a direct response to the feedback I have gotten from the two previous “Solutions”. It’s not liked I was unaware that there were a lot of folks out there with some kind of psychological disorder, I just had no idea I knew so many. In some cases it is that someone I know, knows someone else. Either way, there are a lot of people who need help, or want to help someone they love. My experiences seem to be helping, so if my crazies are the gift of understanding for others, I will use it to the best of my ability.
Let me make one thing clear: I am not a schooled counselor. I have no degree in psychology. These writings are merely the culmination of my experience and observations. If anything, I consider myself a spiritual counselor, because I KNOW it is only the Grace of the Great Creator that I am here, that I have a mind and heart to Understand, and the gift to be able to share. I know not everyone Believes in a Higher Power, or at the least, they struggle with it because of the pain of their disorder, so I try to not share through Faith, but practical experience.
Now that I’ve explained myself, let’s get on to the healing.
When you love someone with a psychological disorder, you often feel their pain. Maybe not to the depths that they feel, but it’s nearly impossible to sit back and watch them struggle with everyday life, and not be affected. Especially of that someone hasn’t admitted they have a problem.
Having a psychological disorder is very similar to having a chemical dependency. It is a weakness we try to hide, preferring to deal with it on our own, if we even recognize that we have a problem. I think it’s even harder for men, since we are still a culture of stereotypical socialization. Even though we try to think in terms of equality for the sexes, men are physically the stronger sex, and, even if it’s only subconsciously, they are expected to more sensitive to the needs of others and less sensitive of themselves. Actually, somehow in our mixed up, try to get rid of the double standard culture, we have created a nation of psychos who feel like they have to pretend to be strong, especially the do-it-all woman.
THAT, of course, is cultural problem I may deal with some day, but the point today is, just because someone is cultured in a specific direction, doesn’t mean that culturization is true. We need to be aware of the environment in which individuals have developed, and that those teachings will have an impact on how they see themselves.
You see, that’s the important starting point in dealing with any interpersonal problem: how does the other person see themselves? I should point out that, although someone presents a certain persona (IE: the “happy” person who goes home and shots themselves and leaves others to wonder why) doesn’t mean they think they are what they want you to think they are. More often, people with psychological disorders want to hide their problems, not just from others, but from themselves.
But there is no hiding from those who love us most. You see how our attitude can change for no apparent reason. Even when we seem to be happy, you feel relief, but you’re always waiting for “the other shoe to drop”. You may even see the downward spiral of depression coming, but you are powerless to stop it. That’s the worst, because you are afraid where it will end.
If you are in a situation where you are trying to love someone with a psychological disorder, you need to know a few things. The first, absolutely most important thing you can do for us is take care of yourself first!! It’s very easy to allow the emotions of those we love to carry us away with them. It’s also common for people with problems to try to help other people to make themselves feel better. I believe you need to try to identify with the emotional state of the person you are trying to help, and I understand it makes a person feel better to help someone else, but you have to truly know yourself before you can help someone else. It will do your loved one no good if you crack under the pressure of care.
And it is a great pressure. When you take on the responsibility of someone else’s emotional state, it’s like having a disabled baby. They will grow and experience the world, but there will be things they simply cannot do. Like an infant, they may need you to protect them from the world, and you may not feel strong enough to do that. Our caregivers often are called upon to expose the world to us in ways that we can understand. Like the blind child, you may need to describe the scenery in a way that opens our eyes to the beauty we cannot see. There are times when we all feel weak, but for someone who loves a crazy like me, those moments can be dangerous.
You cannot take care of someone with a psychological disorder unless you are able to take care of yourself. You MUST know when you are having a weak moment; to not only recognize it, but to share it, and to find your own “safe place”. Sometimes that’s someone to talk to, sometimes that’s getting away from the person you want to help. It’s not always selfish to put yourself first. Sometimes it is necessary.
The second most important thing you can do for someone with a psychological disorder is communicate! If you are having a sad day, tell them. If you are concerned about their well being, tell them. They method of communication will naturally be as individual as each of us. Different types of relationships require different types of communication. The way you might approach a sensitive issue with someone you live with, will likely be different than with someone who lives elsewhere. Communication is paramount in any relationship, but it is hugely important in dealing with someone with psychological disorders.
It’s also more difficult. You never know what might set them off. Will what you have to say make them sad or angry? These are usually the most difficult emotions for people to work with. Be gentle. Let them know how you feel too. And never accuse. It’s one thing for me to call myself crazy, but be sensitive to how your loved one feels. Encourage them to share. The more you communicate with one another, the easier it will be to form a solid foundation from which to build the strength to live with these kinds of disorders.
Life is difficult, and I really don’t think things are going to get any easier. The economy will continue to create situations where individuals will see their world spinning wildly out of control. The weather, never in our control, will continue to be extreme and unpredictable, and though we will never really know if humanity did this to themselves or not, but we do know that humanity is greatly affected by these things. People will continue to act out of fear, hatred and ignorance against one another, and we may find ourselves caught up in the wars of others. Sometimes the only thing we have to hold onto in this endless spiral, is one another.
Not so very long ago, I had a terrible episode. I love at least 5 people who are clinically depressed, the patriarch of the family is gone, and the matriarch is passing the torch. Having no insurance, it’s difficult to take care of my health, and yet I have pain so bad at times that functioning is impossible. The main income for my family is my real estate job. I have waited over 20 years to have my own child and now we really can’t afford it and I am almost 40. That particular day, these things were all I could see. Everything I looked at, heard, felt, all reminded me that I am in a downward spiral from which there will be no ascent.
Grandpa spent most of our time together trying to teach me how to be realistic. Reality is, money will get worse, I will live with pain the rest of my life, and time is running out. When my heart and mind are good, I have other ways to look at these things, but my internal systems weren’t firing right. It was a “Depressive Episode” and, knowing that, I also knew I only had to hold on, and it would pass. They always do, at least for me.
What was it that I had to hold on to? That’s where you come in. There were friends who just talked to me about mundane things while I waited. Even by myself, I was never alone while I was scared of myself. The moment the tide turned, was the moment my husband took one look at me and opened his arms to wrap them around me, in a wave of security and understanding. He just held me and let me cry. He accepted me as I was only saying “I’m sorry you hurt. I wish I could help.”
“I’m sorry you hurt. I wish I could help.” Such simple words really, but I knew he understood. He not only understood that I was in great pain, but he understood that he could not control it. He didn’t tell me to not be sad. He didn’t even ask what was wrong. He acknowledged my feelings, and his desire to do something for me. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
Sometimes it takes other things though. Professional help, medications, maybe even a break from the real world. Different people require different methods. Sometimes the same person can require different methods. I make it a point to “hide away from the world” every so often. Sometimes it is my Faith that pulls me through. I cannot tell you what will work for the person you love, but I know if you approach them with your own healthy core in a communication full of love, you WILL make a difference!
Let me make one thing clear: I am not a schooled counselor. I have no degree in psychology. These writings are merely the culmination of my experience and observations. If anything, I consider myself a spiritual counselor, because I KNOW it is only the Grace of the Great Creator that I am here, that I have a mind and heart to Understand, and the gift to be able to share. I know not everyone Believes in a Higher Power, or at the least, they struggle with it because of the pain of their disorder, so I try to not share through Faith, but practical experience.
Now that I’ve explained myself, let’s get on to the healing.
When you love someone with a psychological disorder, you often feel their pain. Maybe not to the depths that they feel, but it’s nearly impossible to sit back and watch them struggle with everyday life, and not be affected. Especially of that someone hasn’t admitted they have a problem.
Having a psychological disorder is very similar to having a chemical dependency. It is a weakness we try to hide, preferring to deal with it on our own, if we even recognize that we have a problem. I think it’s even harder for men, since we are still a culture of stereotypical socialization. Even though we try to think in terms of equality for the sexes, men are physically the stronger sex, and, even if it’s only subconsciously, they are expected to more sensitive to the needs of others and less sensitive of themselves. Actually, somehow in our mixed up, try to get rid of the double standard culture, we have created a nation of psychos who feel like they have to pretend to be strong, especially the do-it-all woman.
THAT, of course, is cultural problem I may deal with some day, but the point today is, just because someone is cultured in a specific direction, doesn’t mean that culturization is true. We need to be aware of the environment in which individuals have developed, and that those teachings will have an impact on how they see themselves.
You see, that’s the important starting point in dealing with any interpersonal problem: how does the other person see themselves? I should point out that, although someone presents a certain persona (IE: the “happy” person who goes home and shots themselves and leaves others to wonder why) doesn’t mean they think they are what they want you to think they are. More often, people with psychological disorders want to hide their problems, not just from others, but from themselves.
But there is no hiding from those who love us most. You see how our attitude can change for no apparent reason. Even when we seem to be happy, you feel relief, but you’re always waiting for “the other shoe to drop”. You may even see the downward spiral of depression coming, but you are powerless to stop it. That’s the worst, because you are afraid where it will end.
If you are in a situation where you are trying to love someone with a psychological disorder, you need to know a few things. The first, absolutely most important thing you can do for us is take care of yourself first!! It’s very easy to allow the emotions of those we love to carry us away with them. It’s also common for people with problems to try to help other people to make themselves feel better. I believe you need to try to identify with the emotional state of the person you are trying to help, and I understand it makes a person feel better to help someone else, but you have to truly know yourself before you can help someone else. It will do your loved one no good if you crack under the pressure of care.
And it is a great pressure. When you take on the responsibility of someone else’s emotional state, it’s like having a disabled baby. They will grow and experience the world, but there will be things they simply cannot do. Like an infant, they may need you to protect them from the world, and you may not feel strong enough to do that. Our caregivers often are called upon to expose the world to us in ways that we can understand. Like the blind child, you may need to describe the scenery in a way that opens our eyes to the beauty we cannot see. There are times when we all feel weak, but for someone who loves a crazy like me, those moments can be dangerous.
You cannot take care of someone with a psychological disorder unless you are able to take care of yourself. You MUST know when you are having a weak moment; to not only recognize it, but to share it, and to find your own “safe place”. Sometimes that’s someone to talk to, sometimes that’s getting away from the person you want to help. It’s not always selfish to put yourself first. Sometimes it is necessary.
The second most important thing you can do for someone with a psychological disorder is communicate! If you are having a sad day, tell them. If you are concerned about their well being, tell them. They method of communication will naturally be as individual as each of us. Different types of relationships require different types of communication. The way you might approach a sensitive issue with someone you live with, will likely be different than with someone who lives elsewhere. Communication is paramount in any relationship, but it is hugely important in dealing with someone with psychological disorders.
It’s also more difficult. You never know what might set them off. Will what you have to say make them sad or angry? These are usually the most difficult emotions for people to work with. Be gentle. Let them know how you feel too. And never accuse. It’s one thing for me to call myself crazy, but be sensitive to how your loved one feels. Encourage them to share. The more you communicate with one another, the easier it will be to form a solid foundation from which to build the strength to live with these kinds of disorders.
Life is difficult, and I really don’t think things are going to get any easier. The economy will continue to create situations where individuals will see their world spinning wildly out of control. The weather, never in our control, will continue to be extreme and unpredictable, and though we will never really know if humanity did this to themselves or not, but we do know that humanity is greatly affected by these things. People will continue to act out of fear, hatred and ignorance against one another, and we may find ourselves caught up in the wars of others. Sometimes the only thing we have to hold onto in this endless spiral, is one another.
Not so very long ago, I had a terrible episode. I love at least 5 people who are clinically depressed, the patriarch of the family is gone, and the matriarch is passing the torch. Having no insurance, it’s difficult to take care of my health, and yet I have pain so bad at times that functioning is impossible. The main income for my family is my real estate job. I have waited over 20 years to have my own child and now we really can’t afford it and I am almost 40. That particular day, these things were all I could see. Everything I looked at, heard, felt, all reminded me that I am in a downward spiral from which there will be no ascent.
Grandpa spent most of our time together trying to teach me how to be realistic. Reality is, money will get worse, I will live with pain the rest of my life, and time is running out. When my heart and mind are good, I have other ways to look at these things, but my internal systems weren’t firing right. It was a “Depressive Episode” and, knowing that, I also knew I only had to hold on, and it would pass. They always do, at least for me.
What was it that I had to hold on to? That’s where you come in. There were friends who just talked to me about mundane things while I waited. Even by myself, I was never alone while I was scared of myself. The moment the tide turned, was the moment my husband took one look at me and opened his arms to wrap them around me, in a wave of security and understanding. He just held me and let me cry. He accepted me as I was only saying “I’m sorry you hurt. I wish I could help.”
“I’m sorry you hurt. I wish I could help.” Such simple words really, but I knew he understood. He not only understood that I was in great pain, but he understood that he could not control it. He didn’t tell me to not be sad. He didn’t even ask what was wrong. He acknowledged my feelings, and his desire to do something for me. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
Sometimes it takes other things though. Professional help, medications, maybe even a break from the real world. Different people require different methods. Sometimes the same person can require different methods. I make it a point to “hide away from the world” every so often. Sometimes it is my Faith that pulls me through. I cannot tell you what will work for the person you love, but I know if you approach them with your own healthy core in a communication full of love, you WILL make a difference!
You can follow Taunta Beanie on FaceBook at https://www.facebook.com/TauntaTBTaylor or e-mail her at [email protected] For more about her or to read her other work go to www.TauntaBeanie.com