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Living Sacrifice
I completely understand why people commit suicide. Sometimes you try so hard to conform to what others say is "right", or "correct" or just "normal", only to discover that you don't fit. Sometimes you get shot down for even attempting to try, whereas if you had accepted failure to begin with, you would actually be in better circumstances. Life is not fair. It is very difficult, and, for the weak of spirit, it is simply impossible.
I have known more than a few moments like that. Today, if I had not been prepared to walk on faith, would have been one of those days.
In fact, these past several months have been more trying to my soul than any other time I have experienced. From the seventh grade until I was about 21, I attempted suicide 3 different times. Each time I was saved by a specific interruption. Well, the second time, I should not have been able to awaken. How can I look at that and not see the touch of a Greater Being?
In knowing that there is God, I have to wonder why I have been allowed to suffer. Most people who know me would agree that I am "crazy" by some standard, but not at all a "bad person". Yet I am going through some very bad times. Every time I think I have found someway for my circumstances to get better, I become horribly disappointed.
Since I know there is God, and I know my circumstances are more difficult than I deserve, then I am either being punished for something horrible I have dome in a past life, or there is some thing more to this than I can see. But, alas!, I am only human, and I must in some way understand this current torture.
So I quiet my soul and I listen; and because I have faith, I will hear:
When I was a child, I remember preferring a spanking over a lecture. Spankings may hurt more, but they are over with quickly. Saying good-bye is the same way. When it is time to go, I need to go! because I know the emotional drain of the moment will heal that much sooner. Giving a sacrifice is the same way.
Just like the mundane world, I must have thought living in faith would be living in grace. Why in the world I would think faith would be easy is still a mystery! Get me straight: I may be delusional in my role as a teacher, and I may think I can change the world one individual at a time; but I do not think I am any kind of Divine Spirit or Messiah or any such thing. Yet, like Moses, I feel called to lead a people, when I know I am not worthy. Like Job, I suffer for being faithful to a truth that not everyone can understand, even myself. Maybe, like Abram I am being asked to give up my temporal priorities, so that I may serve better?
I don't know.
What I do know is, I am here in this moment. I can pull together everything I need to do well with this moment, and that is all I have to worry about. If I am truly a being of faith, them the future will take care of itself. I only need to do well with this moment. My purpose is to make this a better existence for someone else. Maybe in sharing, I have done that, but I know I have done well with this moment.
I have known more than a few moments like that. Today, if I had not been prepared to walk on faith, would have been one of those days.
In fact, these past several months have been more trying to my soul than any other time I have experienced. From the seventh grade until I was about 21, I attempted suicide 3 different times. Each time I was saved by a specific interruption. Well, the second time, I should not have been able to awaken. How can I look at that and not see the touch of a Greater Being?
In knowing that there is God, I have to wonder why I have been allowed to suffer. Most people who know me would agree that I am "crazy" by some standard, but not at all a "bad person". Yet I am going through some very bad times. Every time I think I have found someway for my circumstances to get better, I become horribly disappointed.
Since I know there is God, and I know my circumstances are more difficult than I deserve, then I am either being punished for something horrible I have dome in a past life, or there is some thing more to this than I can see. But, alas!, I am only human, and I must in some way understand this current torture.
So I quiet my soul and I listen; and because I have faith, I will hear:
When I was a child, I remember preferring a spanking over a lecture. Spankings may hurt more, but they are over with quickly. Saying good-bye is the same way. When it is time to go, I need to go! because I know the emotional drain of the moment will heal that much sooner. Giving a sacrifice is the same way.
Just like the mundane world, I must have thought living in faith would be living in grace. Why in the world I would think faith would be easy is still a mystery! Get me straight: I may be delusional in my role as a teacher, and I may think I can change the world one individual at a time; but I do not think I am any kind of Divine Spirit or Messiah or any such thing. Yet, like Moses, I feel called to lead a people, when I know I am not worthy. Like Job, I suffer for being faithful to a truth that not everyone can understand, even myself. Maybe, like Abram I am being asked to give up my temporal priorities, so that I may serve better?
I don't know.
What I do know is, I am here in this moment. I can pull together everything I need to do well with this moment, and that is all I have to worry about. If I am truly a being of faith, them the future will take care of itself. I only need to do well with this moment. My purpose is to make this a better existence for someone else. Maybe in sharing, I have done that, but I know I have done well with this moment.