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A Love Letter For a Friend
Even in the honesty of your emotions, you cannot know the depths to which the emotions of people like us can experience. It does not make your emotions any less valuable; indeed, to me that you would spend your limited commodity, to me, makes them even more worthy than mine which are shared too easily. I know that you do not give love easily and that is why your struggles affect me so deeply.
I know that you cannot understand this, and in spite of your inabilities, still try. You still try to maintain in a world that seems to be falling apart, even if only in this moment. It is in your understanding that this is just a moment to be overcome, that you lend strength to those of us who can see no end. We all know this moment is likely to come again, and it is the cycle that breaks us, when it is the moments of relief we should focus on.
But we must all face reality, even in our attempt at positivity, and the worries of what could be or become lay heavily along with concerns of others who understand even less. I know that this immediate moment is not just the burden of a single individual, but an entire family. I do not need ears to hear the concerns of those who love those who love me, and their fear that my insanity will bring him down as well. They may not speak these concerns in my ear. but they have chiseled them on my heart. Sometimes this is the worse burden.
It shames me to watch as you bear it all, from the fear that this will all end, to the concerns that it will always continue. It takes strength beyond measure to love someone so emotionally wounded. Not everyone can, and even less should. To try to love someone who is damaged and fail is to contribute to the problem, more often than not, resolving it for everyone. I have told others this truth, and they seem to have hated me for it. This is my burden and great sorrow.
You have more going for you than most others, even in your inability to understand. Most people like you, who have skimmed over life's obstacles with little thought to the struggle it might have been, cannot know the inner turmoil that takes place within the likes of me. We investigate the balance between what is expected and what we believe, which is often different than the impulse that stirred such thoughts, and the mere fact that these thoughts occurred create its own guilty struggle. Our minds do not stop, from the practicalities of what we should be doing with our time, to concerns over spending our time poorly yesterday and how that will impact the future even though we can no longer control it, our brains pull us away from the here and now, making us want it to just stop!!
There is nothing you can do to make it stop either. There is so little you can do to really help, because the answers lie within us. The fault lies within us, rather it is of a chemical nature or simply the way our brain has been conditioned to think. You can drive to the doctor, but you can't change the way we think neither about what the doctor says, nor where our brain takes our thoughts. You might be able to distract at best, but the solution comes from within, and even at that, it is not permanent and has to be renewed with no sense of regularity.
This does not mean you are helpless. I have made no secret of the fact that I think I'm fairly worthless in this current world. My skills may be needed, but since my methods do not conform, I have no apparent place in this society. My unusual experience has made me value myself only in terms of the aid I give others, but this is not the answer for everyone who has been emotionally damaged. There is one factor that everyone seems to react to with the claws of hope, that you have done so well: to love us in spite of our damage.
In our darkest hours we cannot believe that anyone could love someone so damaged and useless. Those whom we see try to love us, we expect to be struggling to do so in such a way that we assure ourselves they would be better off without us. We come to believe that our negative impact on the world is so great that the people we love would truly be better off without us. For those of us who understand how we imprint on children, the struggle to stay can be even greater; the sooner we stop setting a bad example, the sooner the children can learn to develop better coping skills. There is great danger to the truths we hold dear to us.
We forget that, in the example of our own struggles, we teach those coping skills to others. The world is not a perfect place, easy to and enjoyable to manipulate. It is more often the observations of those who see themselves as failing that teach us how to cope better than those who seem to not struggle at all. Those of us whose minds are full of shadow do not see the positive balance to our negativity. We require such gentle guidance and prodding, that not many people care to be near us.
We spend our lives looking for a partner who can not just satisfy the mundane needs society has inflicted upon us, but someone who can tolerate us in our worst moments. Sure we attempt to adapt, even succeeding at conforming to our heart's desire, but the truth of who we are will win out; if not through the return of habits, through unhappiness at personal deception. The "meat market" doesn't want damaged goods, even when purchased by a loving friend. We have not lied to you, we have lied to ourselves for the sake of your love.
I know you do not understand, and, as a family man, you fear for the future. I can only promise it will continue to be full of struggles. I think that success in life has a lot to do with finding a partner who can face life's struggles with you. Sometimes that means as your pillar to lean on, sometimes it means someone you will need to carry. There is no perfect balance except for the personal balance you achieve. Life is not fair nor even, but it is always worth it! I cannot pretend to know where all of this will end, but I do know that you are not alone in this fight. When you carry the ones you love, we will be the ground beneath your feet. When you have questions, we will help you find answers, even if they are not the right ones. We suffer in our own imperfections with you as we watch you fight for air. In the darkness of this pain, your love is not lost. Love her in spite of it all, and we will love you because of it all.
I know that you cannot understand this, and in spite of your inabilities, still try. You still try to maintain in a world that seems to be falling apart, even if only in this moment. It is in your understanding that this is just a moment to be overcome, that you lend strength to those of us who can see no end. We all know this moment is likely to come again, and it is the cycle that breaks us, when it is the moments of relief we should focus on.
But we must all face reality, even in our attempt at positivity, and the worries of what could be or become lay heavily along with concerns of others who understand even less. I know that this immediate moment is not just the burden of a single individual, but an entire family. I do not need ears to hear the concerns of those who love those who love me, and their fear that my insanity will bring him down as well. They may not speak these concerns in my ear. but they have chiseled them on my heart. Sometimes this is the worse burden.
It shames me to watch as you bear it all, from the fear that this will all end, to the concerns that it will always continue. It takes strength beyond measure to love someone so emotionally wounded. Not everyone can, and even less should. To try to love someone who is damaged and fail is to contribute to the problem, more often than not, resolving it for everyone. I have told others this truth, and they seem to have hated me for it. This is my burden and great sorrow.
You have more going for you than most others, even in your inability to understand. Most people like you, who have skimmed over life's obstacles with little thought to the struggle it might have been, cannot know the inner turmoil that takes place within the likes of me. We investigate the balance between what is expected and what we believe, which is often different than the impulse that stirred such thoughts, and the mere fact that these thoughts occurred create its own guilty struggle. Our minds do not stop, from the practicalities of what we should be doing with our time, to concerns over spending our time poorly yesterday and how that will impact the future even though we can no longer control it, our brains pull us away from the here and now, making us want it to just stop!!
There is nothing you can do to make it stop either. There is so little you can do to really help, because the answers lie within us. The fault lies within us, rather it is of a chemical nature or simply the way our brain has been conditioned to think. You can drive to the doctor, but you can't change the way we think neither about what the doctor says, nor where our brain takes our thoughts. You might be able to distract at best, but the solution comes from within, and even at that, it is not permanent and has to be renewed with no sense of regularity.
This does not mean you are helpless. I have made no secret of the fact that I think I'm fairly worthless in this current world. My skills may be needed, but since my methods do not conform, I have no apparent place in this society. My unusual experience has made me value myself only in terms of the aid I give others, but this is not the answer for everyone who has been emotionally damaged. There is one factor that everyone seems to react to with the claws of hope, that you have done so well: to love us in spite of our damage.
In our darkest hours we cannot believe that anyone could love someone so damaged and useless. Those whom we see try to love us, we expect to be struggling to do so in such a way that we assure ourselves they would be better off without us. We come to believe that our negative impact on the world is so great that the people we love would truly be better off without us. For those of us who understand how we imprint on children, the struggle to stay can be even greater; the sooner we stop setting a bad example, the sooner the children can learn to develop better coping skills. There is great danger to the truths we hold dear to us.
We forget that, in the example of our own struggles, we teach those coping skills to others. The world is not a perfect place, easy to and enjoyable to manipulate. It is more often the observations of those who see themselves as failing that teach us how to cope better than those who seem to not struggle at all. Those of us whose minds are full of shadow do not see the positive balance to our negativity. We require such gentle guidance and prodding, that not many people care to be near us.
We spend our lives looking for a partner who can not just satisfy the mundane needs society has inflicted upon us, but someone who can tolerate us in our worst moments. Sure we attempt to adapt, even succeeding at conforming to our heart's desire, but the truth of who we are will win out; if not through the return of habits, through unhappiness at personal deception. The "meat market" doesn't want damaged goods, even when purchased by a loving friend. We have not lied to you, we have lied to ourselves for the sake of your love.
I know you do not understand, and, as a family man, you fear for the future. I can only promise it will continue to be full of struggles. I think that success in life has a lot to do with finding a partner who can face life's struggles with you. Sometimes that means as your pillar to lean on, sometimes it means someone you will need to carry. There is no perfect balance except for the personal balance you achieve. Life is not fair nor even, but it is always worth it! I cannot pretend to know where all of this will end, but I do know that you are not alone in this fight. When you carry the ones you love, we will be the ground beneath your feet. When you have questions, we will help you find answers, even if they are not the right ones. We suffer in our own imperfections with you as we watch you fight for air. In the darkness of this pain, your love is not lost. Love her in spite of it all, and we will love you because of it all.