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Surviving Disappointment
Today I am not sure how I will manage.
Within the past two months, we have had 2 people I care about greatly who have been diagnosed with cancer, as well as the close relatives of 2 other friends who have been diagnosed. Cancer in itself is not enough to defeat me.
In that same time period, two different sets of relatives have revealed to me their consideration for divorce. Never mind the satellite situations that come along with families in such a crisis; I genuinely care for all parties involved, and I knew one couple needs to step back and the other doesn’t. Even feeling like a bit of a hypocrite in giving different advice to each set, I still believed I was helping the way that I should.
Last week we learned that Grandma is having TIA’s that are occurring stronger and with more frequency. The part of her brain that they are concentrated in make it a matter of when she will have one that will stop a major function, not if. This past weekend, I could see that she had had another one, but that STILL was not enough to stop me.
In the past 24 hours I have learned that I let down someone I loved. After 5 years clean and sober and dealing with their own mental issues, they started drinking again. They called me on one of those days and I didn’t listen. I was not the friend I should have been.
I know what you’re thinking: other people are not my responsibility. How can I know I am needed if they don’t come out and ask for help? That person is responsible for their own behavior; their own choices.
And to a certain extent, I agree that sometimes we have to be selfish just to survive. Certainly life has thrown enough at me that it’s no wonder I was so busy trying to hang on to my own inner demons, that I didn’t hear someone else’s demon roaring in my face.
What I know, though, is I have been so focused on self-preservation, that I have lost sight of what I am trying to preserve. I know what it’s like to just get through each moment, never mind “One day at a time”, each breath a question of “why am I bothering?” I know what it’s like to think, “If I can only get through this, I will be ok-I hope!”. Sometimes knowing you have a disorder isn’t the same as being able to deal with it. Sometimes being able to deal with your disorder is an on-again/off-again thing. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is knowing there are people who want me to succeed.
In the low moments, I don’t KNOW people love me. In low moments I am usually pretty sure that they love me only in terms of what I can do for them. I believe that everyone would be fine without me, and, yes, there are even some I think would be better off.
That’s why I am so certain I have let down someone I love.
There is a big difference between professional help and the help of someone you know and love. Even then, there’s still a huge difference between someone who loves us who has survived their own version of craziness and someone who loves us who doesn’t understand crazy at all. No matter how much you love someone, when you don’t understand what it’s like to be their kind of crazy, you just can’t help them on the same level as someone who does understand.
And I do understand. I guess I have to say I have been blessed to have experienced a lot of different kinds of crazy in a lot of different kinds of ways. That’s why I should have been there. I should have made time for my friend. I knew things were difficult; I should have known that the danger was there. If I had been there, this would not have happened.
That does not mean to say that this was not meant to happen. Maybe this is the catalyst for me to learn that my time has not been well spent. Not matter what I have done these past 3 years, I am certain my time has not been well spent. I have not balanced well between the physical and the emotional; between the practical and the fantastic.
I have been so focused on getting myself through each breath, I have forgotten that life struggles on for others as well. I am not the only one living this life. I am sensitive to the needs of others, but that doesn’t mean that I have cared about them the way I should have.
I think everyone have a difficult time with balance. Moms and Dads can’t balance their time between work and family, the government can’t balance the budget, and Evil seems to be weighing heavier than Good these days. Is it any wonder I can’t find the balance between the necessary selfishness of survival and being the empathetic giving being I was intended to be?
As much as it is learning to process each situation, my greatest need is to learn how to value and dispense my time well. I have not listened to the calling I have had. I have not obeyed my apparent path in life and this new crisis has become the catalyst I have apparently needed to prioritize my time correctly.
Just as I believe good can come from bad, I know I have not spent my time well. Just as I know the darkness clouding my heart now will pass, I know it has to be experienced and understood. Just as I know not everyone I love will agree with the paths I may follow, I know the ones who truly love me will try to understand.
I could dwell on the negative of my life right now. I know life will continue to present moments of varying degree of difficulty and they won’t always come when I am capable of dealing with them. I expect to have more moments of wondering why death is not the perfect answer. My brain may even get so overwhelmed with this world that it screams in fear and frustration.
But this is not the end. It is precisely the beginning I make it.
Within the past two months, we have had 2 people I care about greatly who have been diagnosed with cancer, as well as the close relatives of 2 other friends who have been diagnosed. Cancer in itself is not enough to defeat me.
In that same time period, two different sets of relatives have revealed to me their consideration for divorce. Never mind the satellite situations that come along with families in such a crisis; I genuinely care for all parties involved, and I knew one couple needs to step back and the other doesn’t. Even feeling like a bit of a hypocrite in giving different advice to each set, I still believed I was helping the way that I should.
Last week we learned that Grandma is having TIA’s that are occurring stronger and with more frequency. The part of her brain that they are concentrated in make it a matter of when she will have one that will stop a major function, not if. This past weekend, I could see that she had had another one, but that STILL was not enough to stop me.
In the past 24 hours I have learned that I let down someone I loved. After 5 years clean and sober and dealing with their own mental issues, they started drinking again. They called me on one of those days and I didn’t listen. I was not the friend I should have been.
I know what you’re thinking: other people are not my responsibility. How can I know I am needed if they don’t come out and ask for help? That person is responsible for their own behavior; their own choices.
And to a certain extent, I agree that sometimes we have to be selfish just to survive. Certainly life has thrown enough at me that it’s no wonder I was so busy trying to hang on to my own inner demons, that I didn’t hear someone else’s demon roaring in my face.
What I know, though, is I have been so focused on self-preservation, that I have lost sight of what I am trying to preserve. I know what it’s like to just get through each moment, never mind “One day at a time”, each breath a question of “why am I bothering?” I know what it’s like to think, “If I can only get through this, I will be ok-I hope!”. Sometimes knowing you have a disorder isn’t the same as being able to deal with it. Sometimes being able to deal with your disorder is an on-again/off-again thing. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is knowing there are people who want me to succeed.
In the low moments, I don’t KNOW people love me. In low moments I am usually pretty sure that they love me only in terms of what I can do for them. I believe that everyone would be fine without me, and, yes, there are even some I think would be better off.
That’s why I am so certain I have let down someone I love.
There is a big difference between professional help and the help of someone you know and love. Even then, there’s still a huge difference between someone who loves us who has survived their own version of craziness and someone who loves us who doesn’t understand crazy at all. No matter how much you love someone, when you don’t understand what it’s like to be their kind of crazy, you just can’t help them on the same level as someone who does understand.
And I do understand. I guess I have to say I have been blessed to have experienced a lot of different kinds of crazy in a lot of different kinds of ways. That’s why I should have been there. I should have made time for my friend. I knew things were difficult; I should have known that the danger was there. If I had been there, this would not have happened.
That does not mean to say that this was not meant to happen. Maybe this is the catalyst for me to learn that my time has not been well spent. Not matter what I have done these past 3 years, I am certain my time has not been well spent. I have not balanced well between the physical and the emotional; between the practical and the fantastic.
I have been so focused on getting myself through each breath, I have forgotten that life struggles on for others as well. I am not the only one living this life. I am sensitive to the needs of others, but that doesn’t mean that I have cared about them the way I should have.
I think everyone have a difficult time with balance. Moms and Dads can’t balance their time between work and family, the government can’t balance the budget, and Evil seems to be weighing heavier than Good these days. Is it any wonder I can’t find the balance between the necessary selfishness of survival and being the empathetic giving being I was intended to be?
As much as it is learning to process each situation, my greatest need is to learn how to value and dispense my time well. I have not listened to the calling I have had. I have not obeyed my apparent path in life and this new crisis has become the catalyst I have apparently needed to prioritize my time correctly.
Just as I believe good can come from bad, I know I have not spent my time well. Just as I know the darkness clouding my heart now will pass, I know it has to be experienced and understood. Just as I know not everyone I love will agree with the paths I may follow, I know the ones who truly love me will try to understand.
I could dwell on the negative of my life right now. I know life will continue to present moments of varying degree of difficulty and they won’t always come when I am capable of dealing with them. I expect to have more moments of wondering why death is not the perfect answer. My brain may even get so overwhelmed with this world that it screams in fear and frustration.
But this is not the end. It is precisely the beginning I make it.
You can follow Taunta Beanie on FaceBook at https://www.facebook.com/TauntaTBTaylor or e-mail her at [email protected] For more about her or to read her other work go to www.TauntaBeanie.com